There’s no such thing as a “perfect mother”.
If there is one thing that is almost as hard as actually mothering a tiny baby, it’s dealing with society’s expectations of motherhood. It’s navigating the communal conversation about what a good mother is and what a bad mother is.
Good mothers breastfeed. Bad mothers use formula.
Good mothers rush into the room when their child cries. Bad mothers leave their babies to cry it out and soothe themselves.
Good mothers do tuck shop duty. Bad mothers barely make it to assembly.
Good mothers stay at home with their children. Bad mothers place them in child care.
Good mothers sacrifice themselves upon the altar of their children. Bad mothers put their own needs ahead of their child’s.
Which is effectively what Prime Minister Tony Abbott said yesterday in wishing us all a Happy Mother’s Day.
“A mother is someone who never puts herself first. A mother is someone who wants the best for everyone except herself and that is the quality of selflessness that marks out motherhood and which we celebrate today.”
There is so much wrong with this sort of thinking.
It’s sexist, asking women to de-identify in order to be good mothers. It harkens back to a mid 50s ideal of family that barely functioned in that day and age, let alone now. It flies in the face of decades of research and thought that points to self-care being key to successfully caring for others.
We must be careful in our public conversation about good mothers. We must avoid unrealistic definitions of good mothers, we must avoid entrenching the myth of the perfect mother.
In the swirl and storm of a first baby, the myth of the perfect mother can be destructive. Breaking down the notion of the perfect mother is often the first step in coming to grips with the reality of a child, the reality of a new part of your identity as wholly responsible for another human life and the reality that there is no one way to be a mother.
When I had my first baby and found I couldn’t breastfeed him, the first judgement I had to break through was my own. I didn’t even know I held it. But I instinctively felt it – because good mothers breastfeed. Part of my guilt and anger about not being able to breastfeed him was wrapped up in a bias I unconsciously held about who a good mother is and what she looks like.
We’ve come a long way in calling out the perfect mother ideal as bullshit. We’ve got a way to go. But an important part of breaking down that myth is dispelling the idea that a good mother sacrifices herself for her children.
Let’s be clear.
A good mother looks after herself so that she can continue to care for her children. A good mother seeks fulfilment in all the places she finds it, be that her children, her work or her other interests. A good mother builds a whole identity for herself, whether that is entirely as a mother or where a being a mother is just part of who she is.
The best lesson I learned about how to be a mother is this: There are no rules. Be the mother you want to be. Mother the way you want to mother. Love and care for your children as best you can. The rest will take care of itself.
So, what else has the Government done for women recently?
Happy Mother’s Day: Treasurer royally screws over pregnant women.
Tony Abbott as Minister for Women: A Report Card.
Tony Abbott wants to raise family violence “awareness”… while cutting funding for support services.
Top Comments
What bitter hateful women you all are. My mother had 7 kids before she was 26, fled a civil war with all of us in tow, came to country she knew nothing about and whose language she couldn't speak. Yet she went to work in a factory and worked up to 16 hours a day including overtime so she could do the best for us. She never received a handout from the government to look after us. NOT ONE RED CENT!!
All 7 of us are now over 40 and can't think of more selfless woman than our mother. You lot complain how hard it is to be a mother of one, two or three. Truly pathetic what women have become these days. My mother weeps for you lot and your weakness. It seems that all the mothers of this generation know what to do is complain, complain and complain some more. My mother never complained. Even at the hands of an abusive husband. She gave herself fully to us for the best years of her live. Now aged 67 she can sit back and enjoy her retirement as it's now our turn to look after her until the day she closes her eyes for the last time.
We couldn't have asked for a stronger, more selfless and loving mother then the one we have. None of us have gotten into trouble, drank ourselves stupid, did drugs. dropped out of school, bullied anyone and disrespected anyone. When I look around at the kids of today and see what they get up I can see why they are what they are. It's because of mothers who put themselves first and their children second and sometimes even last. Especially when they meet a man "who's not into kids"
I and all of my brothers and sisters are successful and we owe the good life we have and good life we had as youngsters because of a mother who put us first at all times. Being a father of 2 myself I have always put my kids first. I gave up a well paying so I could spend time with them when they were young. I could always go back to my job but I could never go back to when my sons were toddlers. It was all worthwhile. My sons are a reflection of me who in turn is nothing more than a reflection of my mother.
Your kids will look at life through your eyes and I feel sad that they too will turn into bitter, selfish people who put themselves first and their kids second because that's what you choose to teach them. Like my mother, I too weep for you and your weakness.
Unbelievable attack on PM,s words - it was a compliment to all mothers - he was not saying there are good or bad mothers, but merely stating that naturally the health and welfare of a mother's child are paramount or it used to be! Call me old - fashioned, but I am surely hopeful that today's mothers are still sacrificing parts of themselves to be replaced with future benefit and sheer pleasure of raising a healthy, happy child./ adult. Motherhood and life require sacrifices for resulting pleasures.