Eight things that really glamorous people do that most of us just.... don't.

I have a confession to make.

I ate the last Tim Tam. No, wait. That’s a different one.

This is it: I try really, really hard to be glamorous, but I’m just not.

It’s a hard truth for me to accept but there it is. I’m a bit more Bridget Jones than Bette Davis. A bit more Muriel Heslop than Mary Donaldson. A bit more Kath Day-Night than Katharine Hepburn.

Sigh.

But I’m not giving up hope. I WILL be glamorous, dammit. If I could just figure out how to do these eight things. EIGHT LITTLE THINGS that would change my Glamour Dilamma (I know that’s not how you spell ‘dilemma’, but I was doing a rhyming thing) and transport me into the world of charming, sleek, perfectly prepared glamour girls.

EIGHT THINGS THAT GLAMOROUS PEOPLE CAN DO THAT I CAN’T BUT WILL, DAMMIT.

1. Wear sunglasses on their head. 

This happens 100% of the time, whether my sunnies have nose-bits or not. Thanks a lot, Hawkins.

2. Look good after being caught in the rain.

I live in Melbourne, so it rains approximately every 28 seconds. So often, I’ll see glamorous people skipping along, caught candidly without an umbrella, their shirts sticking sexily to their skin, looking like a Calvin Klein commercial. I catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window. I look like this.

3. Standing in the wind.

While we’re talking about the elements, how come glamorous people can make heavy winds work like a gently blowing fan in a Beyoncé video clip, while I have all of my hair stuck in my lip gloss and, oh no, there goes all the loose A4 pages I was randomly carrying around, dammit?

4. Not immediately fucking up manicures.

I painted my nails at my desk today (so productive. Employee of the month.) and I did it beautifully. Somehow, within two minutes, they looked like this. I don’t even know what I did. (Probably ate something, safe bet.)

5. Drinking cocktails from shallow glasses.

Carrie Bradshaw is really good at drinking from those flat-ish martini glasses that look so fancy. So every now and then I pay my weekly wage to get one of those dry Martinis that taste so bad but look so posh. And then BAM. One small, mid-story gesture, and it’s all over my friend’s face. Again.

6. Walking down stairs in heels.

I like to think I’m actually quite good at walking in heels, after years of practice. But the other day, as I navigated my way down a concrete staircase – knees bent out, on a slight angle to stop myself from falling – a homeless man wearing a propeller hat pointed at me in my new stilettos and said “Bahahaha!! You look like Bambi!”. I had a lot of questions I wanted to ask the homeless man (most of them to do with the propeller hat) but I thought it better to just shut up and stumble past in a foal-like manner. This would never happen to a glamorous person. They are born in Manolos.

7. Running for the tram.

I’m a not-completely-un-fit person (despite my questionable health tips) but I HATE running to catch the tram or train. Inevitably, something valuable falls out of my bag and/or my shoe falls off and/or I trip over and die. Meanwhile, a glamorous person skips past daintily, waving a manicured hand, probably stepping over me like roadkill. It’s fine, guys. I’ll just wait for the next one. DAMMIT.

8. Wearing lipstick.

Wore red lipstick yesterday. Thought I got an odd smile from the coffee-man. Went to the bathroom. Learned why.

Now, if you need me, I’ll be trying to get the nail polish off the bottom of my finger. #glamour

By Lucy Gransbury. Follow her on Twitter @LucyGransbury. Or follow her in real life.
She’s probably trying to find a glamorous propeller hat.