Six things you should never put inside your vagina.

When it comes to the wondrous, complicated, and thoroughly mesmerising vagina, the most important thing to know is this: A healthy vagina is a happy vagina.

Vaginas are a bit finicky and kind of bitchy. A lot of things make them mad. Plus, their climate is like a tropical rainforest. So they sometimes require attention and care to stay in tip-top shape.

To keep a vagina healthy, you have to do (and not do) a lot of shit. Vaginas need lots of airing out to avoid too much moisture, they shouldn’t be left in a wet bathing suit, they should be rinsed out with warm water daily.

And most importantly, you should never put anything in or around the vagina that doesn’t belong in it.

This last one can get a bit tricky. With so many things you CAN physically put in a vagina, how can you know what you should and should not put inside of it? When you’re engaging in sexual acts with the vagina, it’s easy to get lost in a moment and forget the delicate balance of vaginal health.

What should your vagina smell like? Post continues after video.

To make things easy, I’ve made a list of some of the common mistakes people make when it comes to the blessed lady-flower. Here are 6 things you should never put inside of a vagina:

1. Flavoured lube

Flavoured lube is one of my all-time favourite things. It has revolutionised the way I give blow jobs. It takes away that skin-y dick taste, and replaces it with something delicious, like mint or mango or strawberry. While flavoured lube really is the shit, you cannot put it in a vagina.

Flavoured lubes contain sugar, which can cause an overgrowth of yeast. Yummy! Who doesn’t want a sexual encounter to end with a yeast infection?

Even if the lube is sugar-free, you still shouldn’t put it in a vagina. The artificial flavouring in flavoured lube can cause vaginal irritation and itching. The only lubes you should put in a vagina are water-based or oil-based. If you can stick to something all-natural like Jimmy Jane’s organic lube, Sustain all-natural lube, or 100% all-natural (and my personal fav) coconut oil, that would be ideal.

Seriously, you can’t put flavoured lube in a vagina. Don’t do it. Wash off the penis before intercourse.

So what about the stuff you actually can use for foreplay? Our resident sexpert has the answers. post continues after audio.

2. Household objects

Look, I get it. Sticking a rolling pin up your GF’s hoo-ha probably sounds really dope, but you can’t be putting a rolling pin in a vagina (or any other household objects, for that matter).

You can do some serious damage to a vagina by putting things that aren’t specifically designed for them inside. You don’t know where that household item has been, or what kind of materials it was made with. You have to treat your vagina with care, or you’ll wind up in the ER or with a raging yeast infection or UTI.

Also, it’s gross and unsanitary. You use those household objects for other things. You shouldn’t be using them for sex. There are sex toys for a reason. Go out and buy yourself something fun and festive. If you like the size of a rolling pin, get a Hitachi magic wand. It’s like a rolling pin, only without the possibility of vaginal splinters (because wood), and provides more vibration.

3. Toys that have been used for anal play

It doesn’t matter if you’ve washed the toy thoroughly with antibacterial soap, you shouldn’t put anything in a vagina if it has been in contact with a butthole. The only exceptions are toys made of stainless steel, but they need to be completely and thoroughly disinfected. Like, boiled-level disinfected.

If a toy has been in contact with your butt, keep it away from the vagina. Toys made of plastic, silicone, TPR Plastic or Thermoplastic Rubber, and Elastomer can all hold onto unpleasant scents and even fecal matter.

The best way to prevent any unwanted cross-pollination is to keep anal toys and vaginal toys separate. Get some toys for buttstuff, and get some toys for vaginal stuff. Problem solved.

4. Food of any kind

Sticking a maraschino cherry or chocolate syrup in your pussy definitely seems like a good idea in theory. Putting something delicious and sweet in a vagina could be cool.

Except it is NOT and you should NOT do that.

Putting food in a vagina can and will cause a yeast infection. As I said before, sugar can cause an overgrowth of yeast. You really don’t want anything do with that, seriously.

Food really has no place in the bedroom IMHO. It’s more than just the yeast, it’s the possibility of cockroaches and rodents in your bed. That is truly disturbing. Just say no to food in the sack.

Editor's note: ONE EXCEPTION: A cucumber. For obvious reasons (and as suggested by Our Bodies, Ourselves.)

5. A mouth that has been near anyone’s anus

Analingus is totally hot. You want to toss your partner’s salad, you live your best life. BUT, if your partner has a vagina, you CANNOT put your mouth on your partner’s vagina until AFTER you’ve thoroughly washed out your mouth.

This goes for the penis or hands too. If you’ve put anything inside of a butthole, you cannot then put it into a vagina. Okay?

Getting fecal matter in the vagina is a serious no-no. You can transmit a variety of serious infections by switching from anal to vaginal penetration. The amount of bacteria in your rear is seriously intense. You do NOT want it in your, or another person’s, vagina.

6. Pretty much anything that isn’t a vaginal-only vibrator/dildo/sex toy, tampon, clean finger/mouth/dick

To sum it up, you basically shouldn’t be putting anything that is not specifically meant for the vagina in or around the vagina. If you have to question whether or not it’s okay to put something in a vagina, you should probably refrain.

Keep it clean so you and/or your partner’s vagina can be a healthy and happy participant in all sexual endeavors.

This article by Gigi Engle first appeared on Ravishly.com, your first stop for feminist hugs. 

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