"There's no point buying nice clothes." 25 things no one tells you about having a newborn.

As a first-time mum to an adorable little baby girl, there are a few things I’ve learned in those early days that I wish someone had told me beforehand. Some good, some bad, some mad. 

Yes, there is a mostly blissful baby bubble when you bring your baby home for the first time. Yes, they are absolutely positively adorable. And yes, you will be very, very tired (until you can feel it in your bones).

But there is so much more... so without further ado, I present to you the 25 things no one tells you about having a newborn.

While you're here, watch what happens if a newborn could text. Post continues after video.

1. First and foremost, resign yourself to the fact that your boss, for the time being, is a tiny 3.8kg person who can’t talk, stand or even think as we do... but what they say goes.

2. You will ALWAYS think you can hear the baby crying, especially when in the shower, when you have just started washing your hair (for the first time in two weeks, mind you) – also showers in general, what a luxury!

3. There is literally NO point in buying nice clothes. They will either poop through them, spew on them, or will be swaddled ALL the time. (Oh, and anything with buttons, forget it. Zips all the way).

4. Leaving the house is a TRIUMPH! Even if you walked to the letter box, celebrate it!

5. The saying "sleep like a baby" is oh so inaccurate. Unless they meant sleep for 21 minutes and 35 seconds and then be awake for three hours and refuse to go back to sleep unless being walked over the bump in the carpet while in the pram, to then only sleep for another 21 minutes and 35 seconds? Didn’t think so...

6. Also, "Sleep when baby sleeps." See above...

7. Your partner is your best friend and enemy all at the one time. (Maybe because they do sleep when the baby sleeps?).

8. But seriously, why are babies so hard to get to sleep?

Image: Supplied. 

9. The THIRST, if you are breastfeeding, is REAL. It’s as if you have been stranded in the Sahara Desert for nine years and you're living off a diet of salted peanuts and popcorn. (Invest in a good drink bottle and keep it within arm's reach at all times, especially when feeding).

10. Also on that, breastfeeding can be HARD – and if it is for you, I hear you, sister!

11. Come to think of it, breast, boob, nipple, milk, latch, poo and sleep cycle will become part of your everyday vernacular.

12. Also, it's probably the only time in your life that you will applaud someone for burping, passing wind, or pooping. Especially if it’s been a few days and you’ve given them the old poop-please-tummy-rub with success.

13. If you hear someone say, "Maybe they’re hungry?" one more time, you may just snap.

14. Invest in more iCloud storage.

15. Washing. All. The. Yellow. Stained. Washing.

16. And on that, cooking and housework. No, thank you. Who can be bothered (or has time) to cook dinner? Visitors take note, bring food.

Image: Supplied. 

17. On a more positive note, parenthood is actually a real hood, and other parents are actually so supportive and helpful! Ask other parents some questions. They are like a bubbling pot of water, their helpful tips just waiting to spill over. But do be careful, some may burn.

18. Don’t compare yourself to other parents. Some can bake a cake while the baby naps. Meanwhile, you’re stuck on the couch nap-trapped and trying to inch over ever so slowly to take a sip from your water bottle before you die of thirst, without disturbing the sleeping baby on your chest.

19. Productive days look different as a new mum, so if you’re reading this, stuck in a dark room holding a sleeping baby #naptrapped, stellar work! (Also, I hope you have snacks within arm's reach. If not, set up a snack station for feeds).

20. If you do happen to fall asleep at night, you will probably be woken by the steam-train-gurgly-pipe-bird that is your sleeping baby. How can something so TINY be so LOUD?

21. And if that doesn’t bother you, then you will wake up a million times a night freaking out that you fell asleep with the baby.

22. And just for kicks, your body will throw in a lovely dose of night sweats, too.

23. But the amount of love that you have for this little, tiny, overwhelmingly cute human is enough to make your heart (and head) explode. (Even if you can’t see it straight away).

Listen to Me After You and join Laure Byrne to talk about how different women go through their very different stories of life after birth. Post continues after podcast.

24. You are Gollum, and the baby is The Ring. Just own it, my precious.

25. Because it is a balance of divine beauty and excruciating pleasure, and you are not alone, even though you may have never felt so lonely! You got this!

Did you know we have a whole family focussed community you can join on Facebook for more discussions like this? Join the Mamamia Family Facebook group and follow  Mamamia Family on Instagram and tell us what #parentinglookslike for you!

Feature Image: Supplied.

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