20 painful things that happen AFTER you give birth.

Your first poo, their first poo, and feeling like a cow.

These are just a few of the things a blogger has detailed in a viral post on the reality of giving birth.

The new mum, who blogs under the name “Mummy Mumbles” has written the hilarious post titled “20 things to know when you’ve just pushed out a baby.”

It’s a refreshing take on the very real things to expect if you are preparing yourself to give birth to what she says is a “hairless slightly purple old grandad with dried blood and skin stuck to its wrinkly face.”

Mummy Mumbles details the “after pains” saying as if the actual pain of birth isn’t enough you have this: “Pain. After. Who knew? When God designed women to give birth, he well and truly screwed us over….”

She informs mums-to-be that their first wee will be difficult. “Take a jug with you and pour it over your bits like you’re trying to be a star in some very disturbing porno. It helps.”

As all new mums know poo – not just yours but your baby’s comes to the forefront of your mind once you’ve given birth and Mummy Mumbles reminds us why.

She writes, “Your first poo. Do not panic. You are not having another baby. It just feels that way. But just remember the size of the thing you pushed out of the front bit, and the prospect of pushing out what’s in the back bit won’t be quite so daunting. Your bum is not falling out. Or it might be. If you have piles. Which you probably do…”

And then there is your baby’s first poo:

She says, “the midwives sneak in overnight, fill your baby’s nappy with treacle and then test you to see if you know to get rid of it, or to see if you decide to take one look at it and start googling ‘why do nappies come pre-filled with marmite?’ ”

Every mum can relate to her description of the first shower.

“Your first shower will be like a scene from Carries,” she writes.

“It’s normal.”

“It may feel like you’ll never be right again and that you’ll walk like John Wayne forever, and you might, but you’ll feel so much better for the shower. You’re literally washing away your sins. (If the baby was born out of wedlock anyway….)”

Mummy Mumbles' post has been shared nearly 80,000 times. Via Facebook.

She suggests you revise your visitors list as you will be looking and feeling like death.

“So only accept visitors if you are up to it. You're still so high on drugs that making conversation with adults is like trying to sieve flour with a fishing net.”

And she tell us to come to terms with the word “latch" as it will soon become a part of your vocabulary.

"You will say the word 'latch' more than you have ever said it in your life."

She says that your breasts will, "start to leak like they have forgotten they are breasts and now believe they are garden sprinklers. Whose garden you don't know, but at the rate they start pouring out it must be the Queen's...”

But she says not to worry because you will swear its the last time you going to go through this.

While the midwives might keep wanting to talk to you about contraception she says they have forgotten one crucial thing- "you're never having sex again. You never want to see a penis again. And if one comes near you, you'll most likely destroy it for the sake of women everywhere. The end."

Her birth post has been shared nearly 80,000 times and has been followed up quickly by Mummy Mumbles’ description of 20 things to know the day after you push out a baby, number one being, "Don't forget about your other half!"