"I'm pregnant and there are things I miss even more than wine."

I’m at 38 weeks and the end is near.

I can see the finish line and am slowly waddling towards it, skin tags blowing in the wind. People keep asking me “Is wine the thing you’ve missed the most?”, which at first I take offence at, and then on reflection, admire them for their accurate personality assessment.

The truth is there are things I’ve missed more, and as such, am very excited about doing, once this child is out of me.

They include…

1. Lying on my stomach.

As a committed tummy-sleeper for 31 years, this is one of my ‘Day 1’ goals – lying flat on my stomach for the whole day (and breastfeeding as required). I might even ask for a massage table and a bedpan.

2. Getting in and out of the car over and over again…

Without requiring a rehearsal or visualisation techniques.

3. Seeing my belly button revert back to its ‘o’ shape.

Currently it looks like a very disappointed parent… ‘–’

4. Reacquainting myself with the body below my belly button.

I have not seen it for three months. We’re not even Facebook friends. I want a grand reveal like those makeover shows… I plan to reveal my thighs to myself by stepping out from behind a curtain with an obvious fake tan, hold-in undies, and professional makeup.

5. Sneezing...

Without feeling like I’ve been punched under the boobs.

6. Moving in between cars in a parking lot.

My plan is to just walk around car mirrors for a few hours.

7. Staying off Google doctor.

Specifically; not spending my time Googling things like “I sat a funny way – have I squashed my baby?” and “I think a piece of chicken I ate looked a little bit pink – have I given my baby salmonella poisoning?” or “I had a facial and they put a steamer on my face – have I overheated the baby?”

8. Recommence triathlons.

This is a complete lie. The fastest I like my body to move is on an escalator.

9. Go to concerts again.

Another lie. 8.30pm is a fantastic and very responsible bedtime.

10. Having the most beautiful reason for sleep deprivation (not incessant weeing).

I cannot wait to meet you baby!

Watch the video to hear the five things no one tells you about being pregnant.

Rebecca Granfield claims to have been pregnant for the last 14 months. She and her husband write a blog about family life called www.thegranfields.com In her spare time she carefully plans worst-case scenarios and outcomes; takes photos of unplugged irons so she can leave the house, and tries to learn everything she should have by now given she’s an adult.

What did you miss most while pregnant?

Want more? Try:

A breastfeeding mother tells others, “cover yourselves up”.

The new type of photo pregnant women are taking of themselves.