Ten things I hate about weddings.

By ANONYMOUS

From the moment I receive my wedding invitation in the mail I can’t help but pick fault in it. I know I should have stronger opinions on real issues like the plight of refugees, the Syrian crisis and gender bias in the workforce, but nothing seems to incite more emotion in me than weddings. Except for baby announcements – I can dissect those for hours.

Here are ten things that irritate me about weddings. If you are planning a wedding, there are more don’ts than dos in this list so take note:

1. Predictable, unoriginal and formal wedding invitations. Modern font does little to liven up an invitation that “officially requests the pleasure of your company.” Get original with your words and make it personal. Show a bit of your personality.

2. Highly stylised invitation ‘packages’ with about a dozen inserts.  Too many inserts mean too many choices, and usually, too many dollars. You are not that important. And the addition of a love heart postage stamp is just tacky. To think that people pay double price for this?!

3. An inconvenient date. This one is fairly self-explanatory and I know I am not alone in my frustration at this. NO ONE wants to go to a wedding on a long weekend or a weekday. Long weekend are too precious in people’s lives. They may still come to your wedding but they will moan about it amongst their friends. And if you have it on a weekday people will just think you’re a cheapskate.

4. Ecumenical services. Correction. Ecumenical services for couples that have never stepped foot inside a church since they were baptised. A bigger hypocrisy I cannot think of.

5. Too much time in between wedding and reception. The maximum time between I do and I drink should be an hour and this is only if there is a nearby pub conveniently chosen for a post-ceremony drink.

6. Traditional ceremonies with no colour whatsoever. This includes the Father of the bride walking his daughter down the aisle; barely audible “I do’s”, and  “love is patient, love it kind”. That is one reading I never want to hear again. Personal vows anyone? Come on, get original.

7. The absence of a single female voice at the reception. I never want to attend another reception where the formal wedding speeches are delivered by Father of the bride, the best man and husband. It is so boring to hear exclusively from men. Ladies, please – use your voices!

8. White wedding dresses. Be daring and dress with some colour and personality. Ivory and ecru don’t classify as ‘different.’

9. Weddings that are not really weddings. “Surprise! We actually got married already. You are not here for the wedding, just a party.” This is not cool. Do it in reverse if you are planning on surprising your guests. No one wants to spend hundreds of dollars on a new dress, a wedding present, babysitters, and accommodation, to turn up to a ‘party.’

10. Throwing of the bouquet. Nothing riles me up more than this inane tradition. Haven’t we come further than this?

And don’t get me started on brides who within a nanosecond of saying, “I do”, update their Facebook status with “I am now officially Mrs. so and so.”

Despite there being a lot I hate about weddings, I still love going to them, which is why  I am not brave enough to put my name to this. Even though most of my friends are married already, there’s likely to be a spate of second weddings in the not-too-distant future, and I’d still like to score an invite.

The author of this post is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous.

What do you hate about weddings?