They share a home but does that mean they should share a life?

Sometimes sharing a bank account, a home and pets can change the way we think about our relationships. Sometimes we just don’t know whether to stay or go.  Angela* writes

“I’m 22 years old, and my partner is 31. We have been together nearly 5 years (in October) and have lived together for over 4 years. We own our home, 2 cars, a 2 year old cat and 4 month old puppy. We have joint bank accounts, email addresses, similar interests and friends, and I think we need to break up. And I’m scared.

We got together when I was finishing high school, and he supported me whilst I completed uni. I have spent my young adult life with him, and don’t know life any other way.

Our home is in his name only. Our cars are registered in his name, but I believe one of the loans may be in my name. We sold the car that I owned outright to purchase one of these cars.

I love him, but I’m not sure I like him. And to be completely honest, I’m not sure he even likes me. We used to have a lot of fun together, I even have photos to prove it, but lately its getting harder and harder to enjoy being in this relationship.

We have not been intimate in over a year, and if I want a hug, or a back rub coz I’m having a shit day, I have to ask for it. And even then, I don’t feel like I’m loved. He has become increasingly moodly, almost depressive, which worries me, but he thinks that mental health is a load of crap, so wont speak to me or anyone about it.

I am starting to see that he has been trying to isolate me from my friends and family. He has succeeded with many of my friends, which makes me sad because I miss there company. He openly states that he does not like my friends, and has given them all horrible nicknames although he doesn’t call them this in public. We often hang out with his friends, which I actually don’t mind because they are now my close friends after so many years. But the favour is never paid back, and every night out with my friends and their partners, I go alone.

He often remarks that I have changed from when we first got together, physically and otherwise. Admittedly I have put on weight, about 25kg to be exact, and yes that is a lot. But reminding me and telling me how hideous I am does not appear to be helping me lose it. When I try to do proactive things around losing it, He often calls me names, in what seems like an attempt to lower my self confidence. Luckily I have been able to combat most of this through self talk. That said, I do suffer from depression and anxiety and he often calls me a nut case and does not appear to have any understanding, or any want to have any understanding of mental health and how he could support me.

He can be very demanding, and often tries to stand over me. Early in the relationship I was so eager to please I probably did what I was told, but then I don’t remember him being so demanding. Lately its gotten to the stage where he calls me in from another room to get something that is in the room he is in. I mean really!!! The problem is, I am not a slave, and will not be treated as such. Which usually results in a huge argument between us about everything and anything.

He doesn’t seem to appreciate when I do things for him, which has made me reluctant to go out of my way to do anything else for him. I always make sure I ask what he’s been up to during the day, and how work was, each time getting snapped at. When I try and share my day, he tells me that I’m boring and have no life because all I talk about it work.

After writing all this down, it sounds like he is a horrible man who is just stopping short of beating me, but I really don’t think he’s that bad.

He can be very loving, he regularly babysits his niece and nephew and has great relationships with his friends. Sometimes I come home and he will have cooked dinner, or cleaned up, or brought me my favourite magazine. We can still have good times together; which makes this so hard.

We have spoken about getting engaged and eventually married, we have even spoken about kids down to what sort of school they would go to! We have overseas holidays planned in the near future, and dreams of building a new home. We are both heavily involved in each others families, he is a DJ and is doing the music for my brothers 21st in a couple of months, and I regularly

I just don’t know what to do. I am unhappy, but I don’t know if is my depression, or our relationship. I am actually thinking I should leave, but it just seems so hard. I don’t technically own a car. I would have to take both animals (since they both technically belong to me). I would have to get my furniture (and my parents furniture) out of the house. I would probably have to live with my parents. I don’t know what to do.”