'GREG, WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU.' A ranking of The White Lotus characters, from bad to diabolical.

Everyone who checks into a White Lotus sucks.

Mike White's fancy, fictional resort chain is a magnet for rich people who are, whether they know it or not, insufferable. 

That's the point. The genius of The White Lotus, the series, is its brutal social commentary and biting satire. 

In season two, we've met two dozen-ish newbies in picturesque Sicily, and with just one episode to go, it is my duty to rank them. Not by likeability, of course, but by... whether they are just bad or in fact, The Absolute Worst.

First, let's get the good/neutral ones out of the way:

• The newly engaged Isabella - congrats queen!
• Rocco - on the bright side, working at the beach club sounds more fun than the front desk? Minus the dead bodies I guess?
• Valentina - let's be honest, she runs the place like a well-oiled machine. Sure, she's uptight, but hopefully an orgasm sees her loosen up before the... bodies become an issue.
• The three Di Grasso women - icons! Artichoke throwing icons!
• Mia - she'll accidentally drug an old man and dish out orgasms with a smile on her face, as long as she gets to sing and play piano! Poster girl for follow your dreams!
• Giuseppe - he's an a***hole, but he's also not important enough to rank.
• Dominic's wife - that's Oscar winner Laura Dern ripping Dom a new one on the phone! 10/10 perfect yelling.

Ok, now for the main event:

Portia.

Portia is annoying, and she has terrible style, but those aren't sins.

Ultimately, she's just another mid-20s woman who has absolutely no idea what she's doing or what she wants to do, and is in the midst of a quarter-life crisis about it all.

Been there, done that. 

I can't hold it against her.

Tanya.

Image: HBO/Binge.

Tanya, the character, benefits heavily from being played by someone as naturally funny and likeable as Jennifer Coolidge. If anyone else played her, her obliviousness would be frustrating. Coolidge makes it charming.

I still hold a grudge for how she treated season one's Belinda, and she is a terrible employer, but besides that, Tanya is a constant highlight.

The 'Peppa Pig' outfit? The "these are some high end gays"? The wave at who she thought was the Queen of Sicily? She's pure entertainment.

Jack.

Playing the hot 'nephew' to distract the assistant of the woman your fake uncle, who you're actually f***ing, is trying to con out of her money is... bad. Very bad.

Also, dining and dashing is always a sh*tty thing to do.

However, Jack's storyline seemed to take a sharp turn at the end of episode six. It sounds like Jack was manipulated into this situation, because he feels like he owes Quentin everything for getting him out of his "dark hole".

If that's the case, he's being exploited and is more of a victim than a bad guy.

Harper.

This placement of Harper is mostly based on the fact that I think she'd be the best character to sit down for dinner with and b*tch about how terrible the rest of the guests are, and that sounds like a fantastic way to spend an evening.

I can recognise that she's extremely... abrasive, sarcastic and sometimes just straight up rude. But I feel like I get it?

Image: HBO/Binge.

She has been dragged along on a (albeit very fancy) holiday with her husband's d*ckhead college mate, and has been forced to 'play nice' with people she doesn't like. She and Ethan are clearly avoiding issues re: sex and children, and she's attempted to compromise for intimacy, been rejected and received no effort in return.

Her husband did not even seem to give a sh*t about another man changing in front of her, and he then lied to her and told her to be grateful that he didn't cheat on her. 

I'd be rude too.

She's playing into Ethan's paranoia about her and Cameron, which is definitely petty and unhelpful, but she's leaning into Daphne's advice about playing games (and it's the most passion she's seen from Ethan in a long time). 

Albie.

Albie is a Nice Guy. This basically means he thinks women can lead worthwhile lives outside of the home and wants kudos for it. 

I mean, his 'type' is "pretty wounded birds" and his attachment to Lucia seems based around his desire to 'save her' from her situation (which may or may not be a con anyway).

But he's also likeable in the same way a golden retriever is likeable, and is well and truly up against it with his grandfather and dad as role models. 

At the end of the day, he's not a horrible person. In The White Lotus, that's worth celebrating.

Lucia.

Lucia, secure the cash before the job! Come on!

She could do with some business advice, because men like Cameron cannot be trusted, but Lucia's general messiness is just what the show needs. She's fun! Fun goes a long way!

Lucia is almost certainly attempting to con the Di Grasso men for cash, which is obviously bad, but also... #girlboss gotta #girlboss.

Daphne.

Image: HBO/Binge.

At the beginning of the season, Daphne came across as a vapid, rich housewife, but she's since become the most interesting person on the show.

When Daphne drops her facade to tell Harper that she knows all about Cameron's actions, that they play "games" and that she "does what she has to do" to make herself feel better about it, I gasped.

Then she mentions her trainer! Her trainer, with blonde hair and blue eyes! Right before 'accidentally' showing Harper a photo of her blonde-haired, blue-eyed child.

I GASPED AGAIN.

Embroiling children in your f***ed up games is terrible, which is why I think Daphne is probably the worst of the women on paper, but that doesn't mean I don't also really like her.

She's a genius. An evil genius, maybe, but a genius none-the-less. She's not a victim stuck in a marriage with a douchebag serial cheater, which would've been an easy plot for her to fall into.

The best character arc of the season.

Dominic.

Dominic is a dog, who constantly cheats on his wife. He also knows he's a dog and is weighed down by the guilt, but we're yet to see him make a real effort to change.

Footing the bill for Lucia and Mia's shopping is not going to help his situation, but as a viewer I appreciate his sacrifice, because their new designer digs are FABULOUS.

Bert.

Image: HBO/Binge.

Bert is also a dog who constantly cheated on his wife, leading to generations of family trauma and resentment. Good one, d*ckhead!

The failure of the Di Grasso reunion in episode six is so, so funny - artichoke woman is my new hero - but it also shows just how entitled Bert is. 

You turn up to a house full of women without bothering the learn a word of Italian, expecting them to welcome you with open arms? The mother who yelled "and what do we need men for?" really said it best.

He's also openly creepy to service workers, which should automatically get him a special seat in hell.

He's saved from a lower spot by some great one-liners and the fact that watching him relish in the mess that is Lucia/Albie/Dom is really funny.

Ethan.

Ethan has gone from boring to infuriating to downright dangerous. Who could've foreseen that the man described as 'honest to a fault' would later lie to his wife multiple times, and then become extremely paranoid that she is lying to him?

And don't even get me started on the fact that he wants kudos for not cheating on his wife. Your marriage needs more than that as the bare minimum standard, man! 

He clearly has some deep-seated inferiority complex with Cameron and I think he saw this whole holiday as a way of finally one-upping him - with his newfound financial success and hot wife - but it's slipping through his fingers and he can't take it.

You're rich, call a therapist.

Quentin.

The audacity of this man.

By now, it's clear Quentin is conspiring with Tanya's husband Greg, who he is in love with(?), to steal her money and fund his lavish lifestyle.

He's also possibly using his power to make Jack do things he doesn't want to do.

And on top of all that, he has big 'predator playing with its prey' vibes: the mocking of Tanya's Queen of Sicily gaffe, the cowboy story that was very much about Greg, and the question about whether Tanya would die for beauty, are all sadistic and cruel.

Here's hoping that no one can try to scam Tanya and get away with it.

Cameron.

Image: HBO/Binge.

If Cameron doesn't end up dead at the end of this, we riot.

Cameron was the most obvious villain from day one: a douche bro who makes Gaston look like a nice guy, the type of person who would strip off in front of a relative stranger as a power play, and a man who definitely would've thrown kids in lockers at school.

He's hot, but otherwise there is absolutely nothing redeeming here. You know someone's bad when you are GLAD their wife has fathered a child with another man and pulled the wool over their eyes.

He's only spared the top spot because he's not married to, and trying to con, Tanya.

Greg.

GREG.

WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU.

The Greg who met Tanya in season one seemed like an okay guy, but that quickly unravelled in Sicily. He treats his now-wife like a burden. He belittles and fat shames her, and appears to be cheating on her, despite the fact that she literally saved his life.

Which is all bad on its own.

But then, later in the season, it becomes very clear that Greg is wrapped up in Quentin's plan to con Tanya for her money. Did you see that photo?

GREG, WTF ARE YOU DOING HERE. Image: HBO/Binge.

GREG IS MASTERMINDING THIS WHOLE CON.

I hope he returns to Sicily in time to fall off a cliff or something. 

In the wise words of Mrs Artichoke Di Grasso: "What do we need men for?"

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer and co-host of The Spill. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: HBO/Binge.

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