The top 10 worst movies to see on a first date

Have you ever gone to see a movie and walked out thinking, “Wow, that wasn’t what I expected!”? It’s probably not a mistake you want to make on a first date – especially if you were expecting a light rom-com that was really a horror movie about a serial killer on a murderous rampage. Luckily, our News Editor Rick Morton is here to help by listing the top ten worst movies you could possibly see on a first date. He writes…

The Internet is a treasure trove of ‘worst’ lists. That’s because people with web connections are manifestly unhappy and they like to tell you about it. That’s why I’m going to jump on the bandwagon and, under the guise of being incredibly helpful to you, tell you the 10 worst movies to see on a first date. Not just any old bad movies that can be counteracted by a hot pash behind the gumball machine, either. The worst. The kinds of movies that could make your sex appeal wither and your partner turn celibate and start life anew high on a mountain-top surrounded by iconography and tulips. So, without further ado, the movies you must avoid at all costs if you hope to make it past the first date.

 

1. Any of the ‘Saw’ movies.

The point where entertainment and watching somebody saw through bone with a hacksaw intersect is probably the point where romance dies. A Venn diagram showing the intersection of the two likely has a picture of your partner barricading him or herself behind the bedroom door and sobbing quietly into a pillow. In fact, if you thought watching somebody fall into a pit of hypodermic needles was the key to your partner’s heart, your future looks bleak and could possibly involve the ownership of more than seven cats. Because seven is the cut-off point.

2. Basic Instinct

You could get away with this if you pretended to your date that you thought it was a documentary about the nurture instincts of various mammals. But you’d be lying. Watching the, ahem, Sharon Stone legs-adrift scene would be torrid enough with the person you’ve just started dating but worse still if, as a friend of mine did, you turn to your partner and nudge her at the exact moment. In fact, in the long, sad history of big mistakes this ranks somewhere between the invention of arseless chaps and sending military aid to Middle Eastern dictators.

3. Pearl Harbour

For fans of three-hour long metaphors for the utter devastation of a fledgling romance, this film fits the bill. However, if you prefer the direction of an awful movie about war and poorly acted romance to be somewhat divergent from your love life, for the love of all that is good, do not go and see this. You may think your partner will weep into your open-but-ultimately-searching-for-sex arms but they will actually be drawing up a list of ways to get those three hours back. They’re not time lords, so the next best option will be not spending the next three hours with you. It will seem like bliss, in comparison.

4.Knocked Up

I pass no judgment on those who might like a little something more on a first date. But I’d imagine nobody wants to be thinking ‘babies!’ to the rhythmic beating of your love-making. Babies…babies…babies. Especially where you don’t know each other that well and the man becomes a blank canvass, all the easier for her to super-impose all the obvious failings and less-than-perfect man-qualities of Seth Rogen. Mood. Killer. This kind of movie obliterates all the fun of a first date in a horrible time warp that makes you wonder how each half of the date would handle parenthood, dirty nappies andlate nights feeding. It’s not fair when all you really wanted was food, a film and a…fun night out.

5. Chocolat

Oh, look at you, all a picture of refined sensibilities and uncompromising romantic ambition. Wrong. The movie is practically called Chocolate. That’s all your date will want. Chocolate. It’s set in a bloody chocolate store, for Pete’s sake. You don’t have any chocolate. Those silly choc-top ice creams don’t count either because they’re awful. Your date wants chocolate and you are a totem of non-chocolate-having-ness. There is no surer way to write yourself into the history books of stupidity. And it’s in France. France is infinitely more romantic then the eerie glow of your 14-year-old television and the smell of half-eaten cans of tuna in your kitchen.

6. Romeo and Juliet.

Hold on, not for the reasons you might think. Everything works. It’s a beautiful love story about two lovers from opposing worlds. Just like you and your partner whose parents are a little over-bearing. Yeah, it’s just like that! And sure if there was a horrible miscommunication between you and your date that could end in suicide you could just whip out the mobile phone and check that everything was OK. “Sure honey, just checking you hadn’t purchased some obscure poison or anything because I’m totally fine.” No, the problem here lies in the inevitable war between both of you about what ‘wherefore’ actually means. One of you will think it means ‘where the hell are you’ and that one of you will be wrong. That’s just un-date-able.

7. An Inconvenient Truth

The only inconvenient truth that will present itself to your date, having been dragged along to see this, is that you are criminally boring and nowhere near as hot as the polar ice caps. This is a fine movie if you want to force your Year 8 science class along, or if you have a friend who really likes footage of polar bears swimming. It’s even more terrible if you lean over to your date and say ‘I just wanted to break the ice’ because the only thing worse in dating world than climate science is the horrific abuse of puns.

8. Grizzly Man

I’ll be blunt. This is a movie about a man who gets eaten by a bear. And not even a fictional movie. It’s a documentary. About a man who gets eaten by a bear. If any of you are even remotely turned on after watching this, I’ll book an appointment at the clinic.

 

9. Mad Max

A dystopian tale about a barren future where the thin veneer of civilisation has been worn away. Or, a powerful omen of the future you and your date might spend together if you go and see this film. The same rule applies to any film about a chaotic and civility-free future. These films are fine intellectual pursuits if you want to have that discussion with your date, but in my experience, analysing the undercurrent of savagery in modern society and how it could all be gone in an instant does not get you to first base.

10. Silence of the Lambs

The set-up. You’re a great cook and you’ve cooked dinner for your date at your place. You make her relax with wine in the living room while you cook up a storm. It’s delicious, your date says, what is it? It’s your secret ingredient, you respond, in an effort to make yourself seem mysterious and talented. And then you both go and see this, a movie about a man who eats people and delights in serving them up to the unsuspecting. You’re sick. Double points for terrible if your date’s name is Clarice.