It’s 2019 and people take wellnessveryseriously.

It’s no longer just your two servings of fruit and five of vege, washed down with eight-ish glasses of water, and an occasional sweat session at the gym.

It seems like if you’re not blocking magnetic and radioactive juju with a Himalayan salt lamp or grounding yourself to the earth with your bare feet, you’re not…well.

So, when The Times profiled the wellness habits of four people – who take their health very seriously – things got a lil’ bit…weird.

Especially when it came to a man named Tim Gray, who’s the founder of a hyperbaric oxygen treatment centre.

Some of Tim’s tips included:

– Measure your urine pH, weight, REM sleep and activity levels in a spreadsheet. Make this a daily task.

– Use a ‘HumanCharger’ for increased energy and mental alertness.

– Like Gray, do more fist bumping. He fist bumps every member of his 15-person team when he arrives in the office. He says it’s also his go-to morning greeting for his building concierge, and it’s something he’s done daily for the past four years.

– Only watching “half an episode” of aBreaking Bad-type drama at a time, because in his words, “I feel that, as we only live once, you’ve got to make the most of things and not waste your life in front of the TV”.

– Utilise the help of hyperbaric oxygen therapy (this can cost up to $100 per session) followed by an intravenous magnesium and amino acids drip.

In short, just be a real-life Chris Traeger fromParks and Recreation, but without the irony or sarcasm.

via GIPHY

Twitter, of course, loved it:

Wake up and journal, activated charcoal, infrared lights, urine pH tests, HumanCharger, fist-bump the concierge, hyperbaric oxygen, blue-light-glasses, Himalayan rock salt lamp, copper tongue-scraper, bed of nails

Best thing you’ll read today. AMAZING https://t.co/nKOadETB3P

— Matt Chorley (@MattChorley) January 12, 2019

We’ve all read at least part of that Times ‘Wellness’ article? My question is, given how these things always amp up the Woo element, is how’re these people unaware that they’ll be widely ridiculed? Do they live in the same media vacuum that houses potential Apprentice candidates?

— Michael Moran (@TheMichaelMoran) January 12, 2019

I read that Wellness article in The Times then immediately ordered a KFC for delivery. 2019 is great

— Angela Kail (@angiekail) January 12, 2019

There’s a “wellness” article in The Times today that has finally convinced me the people won’t live longer it’ll just feel like it. Look how BUSY these 3 are, all before 9am pic.twitter.com/xNAABYfoB8

— Sarah (@sbl1976) January 12, 2019

In particular, people took offence to the step about the Human Charger, which FYI is not your bed, but an iPod looking device which shines a LED light into your ear canal and apparently into the photosensitive parts of your brain. The benefits of which include increased energy levels, improved mood, increased mental alertness, recovery from jet lag and immediate childlike levels of naivete.

It’s not available in Australia (as of yet), but perhaps you can ask a friend who’s stopping by America, Canada, the UK, or anywhere else in the continental Europe to pick one up for you for about $200. Or…not.

Worth a read. The extreme end of the ‘wellness’ movement does not sound healthy at all. Also, my HumanCharger is coffee. https://t.co/LlcMMdv9iJ pic.twitter.com/ZTmOab4Oiy

— Michelle Smith (@ms215) January 14, 2019

How is the HumanCharger that shines light in the ear to give energy not your favorite? pic.twitter.com/4nhlPIfqW0

— farhanible (@farhanible) January 14, 2019

Husband just shone iPhone torch app in his ear – that’s the same as a HumanCharger right? No immediate energy increase noted.

— Alienwife (@Alienwife99) January 13, 2019

What is a Human charger? I thought that was sleep.

— Lata Oakley (@FilmMother) January 14, 2019

I was the same, ‘human charger’ my favourite????, mine would be set alarm for sensible time to get ready for work, slap it into submission so many times I wind up having to multitask by brushing teeth in shower and call cereal bar and can of Pepsi max on the drive in breakfast ????

— Yvonne Moulds (@yvonnemoulds) January 14, 2019

HumanCharger, a device that shines light into your ears “directly to the light-sensitive regions of the brain” is a real actual thing that you can buy for £175 #gif https://t.co/9agxvZXU3Y pic.twitter.com/pE32l706d7

— Katy (@krfabian) January 13, 2019

A HumanCharger sounds like it’s straight out of an Onion article

— Nick D’Angelo (@DrNick513) January 12, 2019

People also just spotted a few factual inaccuracies which were just…confusing.

That wellness piece in the Times. Don’t tel me how to select the most concentrated coconut water then immediately dilute it!?! pic.twitter.com/yIXLOFSAmk

— Ben Clavey (@BenClavey) January 12, 2019

There are so many delights in this Times Mag “Wellness” article. But this is hilariously untrue. pic.twitter.com/hiS32rYcvW

— Mikey Smith (@mikeysmith) January 12, 2019

Nothing in that wellness article from the Times is as weird as this: religiously only watching half an episode of a tv show should be grounds for putting you on some kind of register. pic.twitter.com/Qxtx3vHH81

— davejphendy (@davejphendy) January 13, 2019

However, the main consensus was that itcan’tbe this hard to be healthy, and what happened to just eating your vegetables and occasionally doing a yoga class?

There is an amazing piece about “wellness” in the Times. This isn’t particularly the maddest bit. (The poor concierge) pic.twitter.com/wIY8BFGgpf

— India Knight (@indiaknight) January 12, 2019

I know people have been banging on about this Times wellness piece for days, but honestly, the more details you isolate, the more hilarious…I keep returning to it for lolz – it keeps on giving…I mean, ‘associate centredness with one room’ ???? pic.twitter.com/XtmYHGfEet

— LD English Teacher (@teacher_ld) January 14, 2019

I don’t even drink but I’m going to start spending time in the pub just to reduce my chances of ever being around this person

— Trizzy Gillespie (@BlackXList) January 12, 2019

I- I’m just flabbergasted. Testing your urine pH every day? Human charger? Coffee with low mould? I am laughing and crying.

— Ali May Cudd-Ali (@alisaysaccio) January 12, 2019

What are your thoughts on these extreme ‘wellness fads’? Each to their own, or just a bit silly? Tell us in a comment below, we won’t judge, promise.