Read The Real Love Boat recap of episode one here.
We open with Captain Paolo Arrigo doing captain-like things, almost exactly as though he is a REAL captain of the REAL love boat.
Exhibit A. Image: Network 10.
Exhibit B. Image: Network 10.
Captain Arrigo informs everyone that they are in Gibraltar, where Europe kisses North Africa.
Over in their cabins, some of the reality TV contestants watch The Love Boat... while they are on The Real Love Boat... which is filmed on an actual boat called Regal Princess.
This is weird. Image: Network 10.
Katie is really excited to be in Gibraltar.
"We're at the Rock of Gibraltar! I think," she says. "I assume this is the Rock everyone is talking about?"
You found it! Image: Network 10.
Darren has also found the Rock of Gibraltar - he is standing on it, in fact.
As he is excitedly informing us that a new single will be joining the show, this happens:
"Can I join the show too, Darren?" Image: Network 10.
Darren getting semi-attacked by this monkey is the best thing that has happened on this show thus far. What is even more hilarious is the other monkeys watching on placidly.
The host was a really good sport about it though and kept on filming. "We're expecting some monkey business!" he says, flashing his megawatt smile.
That's what you call a pro, ladies and gentlemen.
There's a monkey on your shoulder, Darren. Image: Network 10.
"Oh shit, get this monkey off me!" he says a moment later.
Over on the boat, the singles debate whether celebrity couple Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds will have a boy or girl.
"I reckon it's gonna be a girl," says Sally aka Melissa George.
"I don't know; I think it'll be a boy," says Tyler.
The guys are also guessing.
"I'm gonna say girl," Josh grins.
"Say she comes on and says, 'That Jay dude's a stud'," Dan says to Jay.
Oh wait, they're not talking about any sort of gender reveal at all - they're discussing the new person coming on board. Sorry about that, my bad.
Over in Moana's cabin, she and Sari are discussing flirting techniques. Sari, who is shy and introverted, asks Moana for tips on how to tell a guy she's interested without, you know, straight out telling him. And then she writes the tips down because there will be a test on them later???
"Subtle but not full on," she intones as she writes.
Pop quiz coming up. Image: Network 10.
Things are a bit tense between Dalton and Paddy because Dalton "stole" Moana away from Paddy at the recoupling the night before.
Naturally, they decide to sit together awkwardly.
Channel 10 is so helpful. Image: Network 10.
Sad Paddy. Image: Network 10.
"I noticed Paddy seemed a bit frazzled," Dalton tells us. "But at the end of the day, we're all here to find love and I'm gonna go for it."
Which translates to: Get stuffed, Paddy.
As the camera pans across the boat, we notice there are other people! On the boat! Look! Hello, other people!
We shall call them The Others, like the ghosts from that film The Others. Image: Network 10.
The singles all get together for another cocktail party, where they once again debate the gender of this mysterious new person joining them in their quest for true love.
Melissa George steals away with her partner, single dad Jay, and have a very reasonable discussion about red flags and green flags, and what dating outside of the show will look like.
This is entirely too sensible for us, so we are going to go away now.
This is reality TV, guys! No need to get real. Image: Network 10.
Dalton tells Moana that he had a chat with her previous partner, Paddy, and that Paddy was "off ya". This shocks Moana, because Paddy had told her there was a connection between them.
"That just pisses me off," Moana fumes.
Someone is lying. Is it Dalton? Is it Paddy? Yayyyyyy, DRAMA!
Oh look, more of The Others!
Hello! Image: Network 10.
Over by the bar, Sari tries to remember Moana's advice about flirting. She hasn't had time to study her notes as yet.
"Was it 'subtle but not full on' or 'full on but not subtle'?" she ponders.
Deciding it was definitely 'full on but not subtle', she does a backflip on the deck.
Nailed it! Image: Network 10.
Talk then goes back to whether a boy or girl is joining the show, which then leads to discussion about sexuality, which then leads to Chris admitting he is bisexual. He looks a little hesitant to tell everyone, especially Katie, who he's partnered with.
But Katie just says, "You telling me that is like saying, 'I'm a Virgo'. You're you; I'm gonna like you for you."
So many of these contestants are so reasonable.
It's very annoying.
The cocktail party ends up becoming a "gender reveal" party because the new arrival is on board.
Annnnnndddddd, it's a...
Girl! Image: Network 10.
Hairdresser Chelsea tells us she loves "bush doofs" (which is apparently something like a musical festival in the bush? I don't know but that's what it looks like) and is looking for someone who she can emotionally connect with and have a decent conversation with. She does not care about looks.
Therefore, the person she chooses to couple up with is Dalton. I'm sure she does this because she thinks she can connect with him emotionally and have a decent conversation with him.
"I find Dalton the hottest," she tells us.
Ah, well, okay then.
While everyone gets to know Chelsea, the "Cupids" do their creepy thing.
"Don't mind us. We're just watching you like the creepers we are." Image: Network 10.
The single ladies sit down for dinner afterwards with the Captain, Hannah, and Doody.
The Captain disappears after two seconds because he has captain-like things to do, remember?
Ahoy there, matey! Image: Network 10.
Doody lets us know that when they dock in Marseille, France, the next day, three couples will be going on a one-on-one date. The catch? The women have to pitch why they're the one who should go on the date. Another couple will also be staying the night in an upgrade luxury suite on board.
They go around the table and the women are perfectly pleasant and reasonable - OK people, don't you know this is a REALITY TV DATING SHOW? - until they reach Tyler, who is paired with Josh. She very brutally says she would rather not be paired with Josh, and something tells us she is likely not going to win a date.
Things also get awkward when Chelsea gives her pitch because she would like to go on the date with Dalton. Dalton is of course paired with Moana.
When it comes to Moana's turn, she talks about her connection with Dalton and Paddy, which turns into a "He Said" vs "He Said" and all the girls tell her, reasonably, that she needs to have a chat with Paddy to figure out what he actually said about her to Dalton. Naturally, this then happens:
"Stop being so logical, everyone." Image: Network 10.
"I feel like I've had a lot more drama than most of the girls here," Moana cries, and she's not wrong.
She then leaves dramatically, showing us that Moana is the only one who understands the rules of reality TV dating shows.
Moana for Queen! Image: Network 10.
The girls then join the guys in a cozy bar, where they explain everything that has happened. Except for the part about Moana.
"Moana's gone to bed," Katie says.
"Why did Moana go to bed?" one of the guys asks.
"It was just a big day and honestly it was a lot to handle," Sari says.
Dear god. Why doesn't anyone say: "Moana went to bed because she was crying about Paddy possibly saying mean things to Dalton, or Dalton pretending Paddy said mean things. Tell us what was said! So that we can misrepresent what was said and tell Moana all about it, thus creating more drama!"
Darren pops in to tell them who is going on the dates and who is staying in the luxury suite. He has obviously been bitten by the monkey that attacked him earlier because he is making weird monkey movements which he seems to think is "dancing". It's very concerning. Is there a doctor on board?
Somebody please help Darren. Image: Network 10.
Darren holds out three golden tickets as though he is Willy Wonka and proceeds to give them to: Sally aka Melissa George and Jay, Katie and Chris, and Chelsea and Dalton. The keys to the luxury suite goes to Naomi aka Scruffie and Dan, the man who was once in a "friends with benefits" arrangement with Moana.
Everyone is really happy and joyous.
So of course Darren then tells us that one unlucky single woman will be leaving The Real Love Boat - as well as the actual boat - tomorrow.
Everyone is suddenly not as happy and joyous... which makes us happy and joyous because, you know, DRAMA.
The Real Love Boat airs every Wednesday and Thursday at 7.30pm on Network 10. See you next week Wednesday for the next recap, friends!
Feature image: Network 10.
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