Mamamia recaps The Real Love Boat: "I waxed my bootyhole to be here."

Can you smell that?

It's the smell of fresh ocean air.

And drama. So much drama.

Australia's newest and shiniest reality television dating show is here and yes, it is ridiculously absurd. Absurdly ridiculous.

It's #dramaonthehighseas and WE ARE HERE FOR IT. Naysayers begone. Go back to watching The Wire and The Sopranos and *Insert Critically Acclaimed TV Show Here* and leave us "stupid" reality TV show viewers in peace. Yes, you are smarter than us. All hail you. Live long and prosper.

... Are the snobs gone? Great. It's just you and me. Let's get on with the show!

We open with host Darren McMullen telling us what to expect, which is this: A group of good-looking single men and women are plucked from obscurity and plonked on a cruise ship called Regal Princess The Real Love Boat, where they will date each other in order to find true love. From time to time, Darren will show up and someone will get voted off the Island. I mean, the... Boat.

It's MAFS meets Love Island meets Survivor. Also, there's a lot of this:

DRAMA. Image: Network 10.

Aside from Darren, there's Cruise Director Hannah Ferrier, aka former chief stew from Below Deck Mediterranean, Head of Entertainment Daniel Doody, and Princess Cruises’ Captain Paolo Arrigo.

There are many questions I have about the show, like, is Captain Arrigo the REAL captain or is he the captain of The Real Love Boat, which essentially is not a REAL boat because it is a SHOW being filmed on a REAL boat with REAL passengers? It's all very meta, and it makes us dizzy, so let's just factually state Captain Arrigo is the REAL captain of both the REAL and non-REAL boat. Whew.

Anyway, here we are in Barcelona, Spain, where the cruise ship will begin its journey. We meet our stunning singles at a Spanish villa and are told the ship will be leaving in five hours. As someone who gets to the airport at least 3.5 hours for international flights, this makes me nervous.

Also, I legit thought this contestant was Melissa George.

Melissa? Is that you? Image: Network 10.

Alas, it is not. 

As we meet our future Instagram influencers The Real Love Boat contestants, we realise that we're a single woman short, or, put another way, one man too many. 

The math isn't adding up.

Our six single women. Image: Network 10.

Our seven single men. Image: Network 10.

Darren kindly informs us that one of the guys won't even make it on the boat! As in, he travelled all the way to Spain only to pack his bags and make the 20 hour-plus plane ride back to Australia. That's way harsh, Tai.

Dental receptionist Moana looks shocked as she spots someone she knows in the single guys section. "We were friends," she tells us, laughing awkwardly. "Good friends. For a little bit."

Out of the 20 million people in Australia, somehow Moana and her "friend" Dan happened to make up the 13 people on episode one of this show. Such a coincidence! 

That's very helpful, Channel 10. Image: Network 10.

To help the women choose who they want to partner with, we are treated to a spot of speed dating. Like all speed dating, it is cringe-y and uncomfortable and there's only four hours to go till departure, dear god, can we SPEED this up? I can feel the sweat gathering at my temples.

Business manager Naomi is big on manifesting, and has made a manifestation board that she's lugged all the way from Australia to Spain. I have questions. Like, why is Anna Wintour on her manifestation board and what the heck is a Scruffie?

Wow. Image: Network 10.

Is it a new form of dessert or something? Image: Network 10.

Sari asks Paddy if he would care if they were in public together and she had to pull out her wedgie. Ah, pulling out (pun intended) the big questions, Sari! Paddy says he wouldn't care, which is wise because he is on national television and that is the only acceptable answer. 

The woman who isn't Melissa George but is in fact a woman named Sally gets into a deep and meaningful with single guy Jay. They bond over being single parents to their young kids. 

Blah blah blah, the singles all meet the other singles, great, great, good, good - WHY DOES NO ONE CARE THAT THE BOAT IS LEAVING IN 90 MINUTES? I CAN'T HANDLE THIS KIND OF STRESS.

Finally, after a zillion years of speed dating, thus rending the word speed dating null and void, the women choose who they'd like to partner with. It's obvious this guy below will be the one going home because he is the only one who hasn't been given the soft tinkling music accompanied by a backstory.

Fare thee well, person whose name we do not know. Image: Network 10.

Once aboard the love boat, the contestants get ready for a cocktail party. The women arrive first and proceed to do things like:

Lick the ice sculpture... Image: Network 10.

Drink... Image: Network 10.

And Moana tells everyone about how she and Dan "know" each other. As in, intimately. Image: Network 10.

Scruffie aka Naomi, who is partnered with Dan, is not amused. Image: Network 10.

Uh-oh. Scruffie has caught feelings for Dan, who was once in a "friends with benefits" arrangement with Moana. Looks like we're gonna need a bigger boat.

Unfortunately, before a screaming match can ensue, the men arrive. Shortly after, so does Darren, the Captain, Hannah, and Doody.

Darren tells the contestants that at the end of the cruise, one lucky couple will be crowned the winners of The Real Love Boat. Everyone cheers but inside they're asking, "Is that it? There's no prize money? You mean, the prize is... True Love? Screw this, I'm jumping off this boat."

We tricked you, haha! Image: Network 10.

As the party kicks on, Hannah and Doody creepily watch the contestants and tell us who is vibing with who. Apparently this is what the crew did on the original Love Boat drama TV series, which I never watched because it first aired in the 1970s and I wasn't alive then, and by the time the show ended in 1990, I was just a child and frankly it sounded boring.

Hannah and Doody watching the contestants reminds me of when sparkly vampire Edward watched helpless human Bella as she slept.

Must you? Image: Network 10.

The next day, the contestants all go on dates with their chosen partners. Digital strategist Tyler, who has never dated before, really likes personal trainer Dalton. She thinks their first date goes really, really well.

"There were definitely some sparks flying," Tyler says. "I think we've definitely got chemistry."

Dalton, however...

This is Dalton's perplexed face. Image: Network 10.

"I don't feel like there is any chemistry there whatsoever," Dalton declares.

Moana and Paddy head off on their date, which is wine tasting. While Paddy talks about flavours and smells and textures, Moana, god bless her, says, "I'm just getting straight wine."

"It tastes like wine." Image: Network 10.

As all the other dates happen around the boat, Hannah and Doody continue their creepy watch.

By the way, what happens to the REAL passengers on the boat, who've paid good money to be there, when the show needs to film a particular scene in the jacuzzi or the golf deck or the pool? Do the producers shoo them away? Channel 10, please provide answers.

Still being creepy. Image: Network 10.

After the dates, it's time for the recoupling, where the boys get to pick which girl they want to couple up with. They sit around the firepit and host Sophie Monk, looking fabulous as usual, walks in... wait a minute, sorry, wrong show! That was Love Island. I'm sorry, let's start again.

After the dates, it's time for the recoupling, where the boys get to pick which girl they want to couple up with. They stand on the deck and host Darren McMullen, looking fabulous as usual, walks in.

Dalton chooses Moana (much to Tyler's and Paddy's dismay). "It definitely caught me off guard," Tyler says. "If I had the chance, I would have picked Dalton again."

"Dalton picking Moana was a bit of curveball," Paddy says. "He knew I still wanted to get to know her better."

I mean, you can still get to know her, Paddy. You're all trapped on the same bloody boat, you know.

Single dad Jay chooses single mum Melissa George, which surprises no one.

Self-confessed nerd Josh chooses Tyler because he thinks she is "quirky" like him. Darren asks Tyler if being chosen was unexpected. 

"Unexpected? I mean, not really. He hasn't been subtle," she says. 

Josh's face says it all. Image: Network 10.

Dan picks Scruffie again. Perhaps she DID manifest him.

Chris picks Katie. I realise I haven't mentioned them this whole recap because they were boring because there was a lot happening so here is what they look like.

Katie and Chris, everyone! Image: Network 10.

Sari is the last girl standing and is of course "chosen" by Paddy. She's happy to be paired with Paddy because he is the only one she told that she "waxed her bootyhole to come here".

And THAT, my friends, is true love.

Sari the truthteller. Image: Network 10.

The Real Love Boat airs every Wednesday and Thursday on Network 10. The second episode is tomorrow, Thursday October 6. Will I be recapping? You bet your bippy, baby!

Feature image: Network 10.