A golden turd and a kid called Sandbox. This week's Real Housewives recap.

So this week we open on a very weird scene in which Lydia is shopping at a boutique with her grown-up stepson Sam, and there is some very bizarro chemistry between them.

“He does love beautiful things, I guess that’s why he loves hanging out with his stepmum,” Lydia says. And then: “Sam’s very similar to his father. He’s such a big spunk. Oops, did I say that? Stepmum?” Then she playfully slaps her own wrist, but you get the weird feeling she wishes it was spunky Sam’s butt.

She then spends $1700 on a faux leather clutch, and while spunky Sam is struggling to work out what the word ‘faux’ means, we cut to Gina.

Gina is still caught up on the whole psychic thing from last week. You know; where psychic Jackie was gossiping with Gina’s dead grandma, who told Jackie that Gina’s boyfriend in Miami is cheating on her, so then Jackie told that to Gina and now Gina is really upset.

Except Gina’s trying to make it clear that she’s totally not upset, okay? She also really wants you to know that she’s a barrister, and that’s why she doesn’t believe Jackie was chatting to her dead Grandma. “I’m a barrister,” she says. “I deal in fact. Because I’m a barrister. Barrister.”

Apparently Gina called her partner in Miami and told him that Jackie said he was cheating. He got really mad, so now Gina’s flying over to Miami to see him because she’s definitely not bothered by what Jackie said. Not bothered at all.

While shopping for new clothes to wear in front of her man because she definitely doesn’t think he’s cheating, Gina gets a phone call from Lydia. She tells her that she’s flying to Miami to be with her man because she definitely isn’t worried that he’s cheating on her. She says she doesn’t believe a word that comes out of Jackie’s mouth, anyway. She’s a barrister, okay? She deals in fact, not in psychics who gossip with dead grandmas.

SHE’S JUST GOING TO GET A SUNTAN, LYDIA. Duh.

Cut to Jackie and International Rock Star Ben Gillies in the car. They’re driving around and headbanging to music because they’re totally crazy! They’re not like all the other people on this show, okay? They’re zany!

In what is probably an exact replay of the conversation they had when Jackie signed them up for this show, International Rock Star Ben Gillies looks out the car window and asks, “Where are we going? Where are you taking us? What are we doing?”

At that moment, Jackie realises the cameras have been on them for a full 30 seconds and she hasn’t yet pointed out that her husband is International Rock Star Ben Gillies, so we cut to a talking head of her telling us that her husband is International Rock Star Ben Gillies.

They go into a bar, because apparently Jackie has decided that they’re ‘launching’ an alcohol line. “I’ve always wanted to create a brand,” she says. “It’s what every rock star couple should do.”

Jackie wants to ‘launch’ a tequila, but the bartender they’re talking to tells them that the market isn’t strong enough for tequila right now.

Jackie says that goes ‘straight over her head’ because, “For me, psychically, do I see this being a massive success? Yes.”

Well, that’s a solid foundation on which to make a massive business investment if I ever saw one.

International Rock Star Ben Gillies looks petrified, since I’m assuming this investment is coming from the money he made being an International Rock Star.

Jackie gives him a look that says she’ll curse him with one of her magic rug feathers if he doesn’t tow the line, so he manages to blurt out “I think… (sideways glance) definitely tequila as well… I get the vibe that it’s… I think we should…” That’s all Jackie needs. She cuts him off and keeps talking grown-up business with the bartender.

Next up, Lydia invites Jackie to meet her in one of her ‘favourite galleries’. She wants to talk about Gina, but also wants to get to know Jackie a bit better. Which, obviously she needs to do, or she wouldn’t have invited her to a gallery.

They walk around and look at paintings. Lydia hasn’t mentioned her jet or her money in a while, so they talk about that. Money money Porsche etc etc money. She actually says that she got sick of wasting sprays of her Chanel on regular planes because there were just so many ‘smelly people around’. That is an actual sentence that came out of her mouth. Jackie mentions that she and IRSBG (I’m officially sick of typing his entire name all the time) are thinking of buying a seaplane, and Lydia looks at her in disgust. A sea plane? You might as well attach wings to a 1986 Corolla.

Lydia takes care of the episode’s drama for the week, by telling Jackie that Gina has flown to Miami to be with her man, and that Gina bitched about her behind her back, by saying that she doesn’t believe a word Jackie says.

We’ve planted enough seeds for the Jackie/Gina throwdown for now, so Jackie says she needs to go see IRSBG in the studio, and we get to go to Andrea’s house.

Andrea’s kids are actually called Budd, Kiff and Buster. That’s not a joke. We watch her going over the minute by minute schedule with one of her five nannies. This particular nanny looks like she wants to punch Andrea in the face. Andrea mentions that her checklists are so good, she’s turning them into a book to help ‘working mothers’. Now every single working mother without five nannies wants to punch her in the face.

Andrea’s husband Chris makes an appearance. Last week he talked about dangerous pumpkins. This week he talks about checklists and discipline, so… Definitely one of the show’s more charismatic characters.

As soon as Andrea and Chris leave the room, one of the kids, I think Kit Kat or Sandbox or whatever his name is, climbs into the sink. So, five nannies is obviously a flawless system.

Cut to Chyka. This normal chick needs to redeem herself by doing something crazy this week, or she is not going to last long in this franchise. Real Housewives does not like the word ‘sensible’ and it will not stand for it.

Chyka talks about her incredibly successful business empire The Big Group. Not crazy. Shots of her employees working hard. Not crazy. This is getting boring… Sits down with one of her staff members and organises a dinner for the girls. Ahhh, so that’s how they’re going to use her this week: She will supply The Big Event.

Okay, that was way too sensible. We need some crazy.

Cut to… Jackie’s house!

Jackie is just getting home from the gallery with Lydia and she is furious that Gina has been talking shit bout her behind her back. Turns out ‘the studio’ she was going to see IRSBG in, is just a piano in the corner of their house. Convenient location, I guess. IRSBG does his job and acts as a sounding board while Jackie bitches about Gina.

Cut to Janet. She and Chyka have gone to a jewellery store to sell three pieces of her jewellery, because psychic Jackie said she would sell three pieces of jewellery. (I’m assuming Chyka is there to fill her screen-time quota.) Janet decides not to sell the pieces, but to melt them down into something new.

Ian the Jeweller then hands her what looks like a miniature golden turd (he no doubt needs more time to design something Janet-level fabulous), and she and Chyka are on their way.

Time for The Big Event, which is actually just all the women at lunch. Minus Gina, who is still in Miami totally not checking up on her man.

We discuss Gina and how she took off to Miami to see her man get a sun tan. Jackie then reveals her BIG SECRET – that she knows that Gina bitched about her behind her back. Jackie then totally throws Lydia under the bus by telling everyone it was Lydia who told her that Gina didn’t believe that had, in fact, seen Gina’s dead grandma at the dinner table.

There’s lots of chatter amongst the women. Here’s the general breakdown: “I can’t believe Gina asked Jackie about her partner cheating then Jackie talked to her dead grandma and said yes and then Gina’s feelings got hurt and then Gina called Lydia and told her that she thought Jackie was full of shit because she’s a barrister and she only deals in fact and then she went to Miami and Lydia told Jackie everything and how could Lydia be such a tattle-tale and now Jackie is mad at Gina for saying what she said on the phone to Lydia and not saying what she said to Jackie’s face.”

DRAMA.

Lucky Chyka’s husband Bruce turns up to have lunch with the girls and break the tension.

Jackie is very excited for the opportunity to tell someone new that she’s married to International Rock Star Ben Gillies. She points out that he’s from Silverchair. “But obviously you would know that,” she says to Bruce.

He doesn’t.

Talking talking money money sex jokes jets money talking.

“Can I make an announcement?” Jackie asks. “I know youse (woops – someone slips back into Newcastle speak after a few wines) are all talking in your own little worlds. But I’m actually having a housewarming.”

So the next Big Event will be at Jackie’s.

“It’s going to be a very rock star party,” she says. Because I’m not sure if you know this, but she’s married to International Rock Star Ben Gillies.

“Will youse all come?” she asks. They have to say yes, or else next week’s episode will only be 20 minutes long.

Next up, there’s a bizarre scene with Jackie trying on her wedding dress. International Rock Star Ben Gillies looks confused. I think we can leave that there.

Oh, something’s happening! We cut to Gina coming home from Miami. She says she asked her man if he’d been unfaithful. He said no, and was really upset about it, so he must be telling the truth.

Next, for some reason I can’t work out, we spend five whole minutes watching Gina have a conversation with another lawyer about the law. I get that she really, really wants us to know that she’s a barrister, but doesn’t she know how reality TV works? All we need to establish that she has a serious job, is to see a few shots of her walking around with a briefcase. Actually hearing about her job in detail is really not necessary.

Oh thank god, cut back to Jackie and IRSBG. She walks up to him in the living room and asks him what he’s doing. He’s too scared to say “Waiting for you to give me instructions” so just fumbles and manages to blurt out, “Just ummm… some… emails, and…stuff.”

Their relationship truly is an enigma.

Oh! It’s time for this episode’s Big Confrontation! Jackie and Gina meet for coffee, in a café that, surprisingly, has other customers in it.

Jackie confronts Gina about what she said behind her back. Gina looks nervous, but uses the opportunity to remind everyone that she’s a barrister. “It’s a Chinese whisper,” she says. “In court, it would be inadmissible evidence.”

Then Gina basically just sits there and lets Jackie argue with herself until she starts crying.

“I’m very accurate. I’m a very good reader. I could see your grandmother standing behind you,” Jackie says.

“That’s not my grandmother,” Gina replies. “That’s a demon.”

Oh holy mother of Oprah. I fucking love this show so much.

“It’s very clear in the bible about sorcerers,” Gina says. “And they are demonic. They’re not of god.” Yep – a barrister who only deals in fact just quoted the bible as foolproof evidence.

Now they’re just arguing about whether Jackie saw a demon or a little old dead lady. Jackie says little old lady. Gina says demon. Jackie, who is used to IRSBG nodding in agreement with everything she says, can’t even deal. Gina just sits there, watching her get more and more upset.

In a talking head, Gina looks so freaking pleased with herself. “When I cross-examine people, I usually stop when they cry.”

Jackie flees the café in hysterics.

If I’m ever facing prison, I want Gina on my side. That bitch is ICE COLD. I think I’m in love with her.

Next week, everyone comes to Jackie’s housewarming, and Gina gives Jackie jewellery as a gift, which is apparently completely inappropriate and totally offensive.

Can’t wait.

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The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs Sunday nights on Arena at 8:30pm. Catch up on past recaps here:

Episode 1