'I want to go back to the time before I saw Netflix's The Perfection.'

There was a time in my life when things were simple.

I could see Allison Williams, the actress from Girls and Get Out, and not feel a shudder go up my spine.

I could see two people walking in the wilderness and my eye wouldn’t start twitching.

I could listen to cello music and not crawl into the corner, curl into the foetal position, and start murmuring “no thank you please, no thank you please”.

Puppies were cute. Sunshine was nice. Flowers were pretty.

Life seemed pretty damn good.

Watch the trailer for The Perfection. Post continues after video.

Then I watched The Perfection on Netflix.

The Perfection apparently follows troubled music prodigy Charlotte (Allison Williams) as she seeks out Elizabeth (Logan Browning), the new star pupil at her former music school.

From the trailer, I gathered that the pair play some cello together and then something scary happens.

Goodo, I thought.

I can get a bit of culture into me while I watch my murders.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So, I sat down on Sunday afternoon to watch Netflix’s latest offering.

I watched as Charlotte mourned the death of her mother and then travelled to Shanghai to meet up with her former teachers and mentors, Anton (Steven Weber) and Paloma (Alaina Huffman).

There she met Elizabeth.

The pair hit it off, played some cello together, and then hooked up.

Lovely, I thought. But where are my murders?

Then, it happened.

One hour and 30 minutes later, I had seen things I could never un-see.

There was vomit. And bugs. And limbs being chopped off. There were some very scared children on a bus in Shanghai and a disturbing house of horrors somewhere in middle America.

There was a twist that was so twisted it should never have been twisted.

One minute it felt like I was watching Mr Holland’s Opus and then the next minute it seemed like I was watching The Hills Have Eyes.

It was culture and gore and limbs and a message that got lost somewhere between that bus in Shanghai and the moment when an amputated limb was nearly inserted into someone else’s body.

It’s been four days since I watched The Perfection. I’ve now come to accept that my life will never be the same.

I’m doomed to live out the rest of my days listening to cello music, in the foetal position, while I quietly whisper “No Marnie from Girls, no”.

The Perfection is now streaming on Netflix.