"When you love someone so much, it hurts." The moments in motherhood nobody tells you about.

Watching your children grow up can be hard.

With every milestone, there is a feeling that they are escaping you, and that they will no longer need you.

That is exactly what Laura Mazza experienced when her son Luca’s kindergarten teacher suggested he was ready for school.

Opening up about the emotional experience on Instagram, she explained that she never expected starting school to be such an emotional time.

“Last night we were looking at schools for Luca. He’s going to start his first year. The idea of him going to school has always really excited me! Cute little uniform, new adventures! I have never thought of it as an emotional experience but more an exciting one! Then his kindergarten teacher said she believes he is ready to start school,” she began the post.

“And that’s when I realised I am not. It was only yesterday that he was born, just yesterday he was saying his first word. Where did the time go? Although he never slept so it actually felt like five years before he turned one, but still! Two kids later and my little baby grew and is now a little boy. I’m not ready for him to go to school, to start his life growing up and being independent,” she added.

She wrote that she worries that he will be bullied or be a bully, or that he will fall and cry without anybody seeing.

 

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Last night we were looking at schools for Luca. He going to start his first year. The idea of him going to school has always really excited me! Cute little uniform, new adventures! I have never thought of it as an emotional experience but more an exciting one! Then his kindergarten teacher said she believes he is ready to start school. And that’s when I realised I am not. It was only yesterday that he was born, just yesterday he was saying his first word. Where did the time go? Although he never slept so it actually felt like 5 years before he turned one, but still! Two kids later and my little baby grew and is now a little boy. I’m not ready for him to go to school, to start his life growing up and being independent. What if he gets bullied? What if he is the bully? What if he falls and cries and no one sees? And it killed me. Luca was my experience with postnatal depression and for that I’m so grateful. He saved me. He made me aware of the severity of my mental health issues, he made me realise I have unresolved childhood issues. He made me stand up to the darkness in my brain and he gave me the light. He is so beautiful. Oh crap, now I’m crying again. Every night he makes me come into his bed, sometimes I love it, other times I don’t, but he hadn’t come in last night… and I thought, great it’s already started where he won’t need me. I went to the toilet and when I came out, he was standing there and said “mummy I’ve been waiting for you!! Come and snuggle me!” Oh my beautiful Luca, I didn’t know it but I was waiting for you my whole life… I might bitch and moan about motherhood but you, and your siblings, are the sunshine in my life. And as he chatted away about his day and his friends, I made a little promise, that I will snatch these moments forever, and that everything else can wait. My little baby is growing up and that is the part in motherhood they don’t tell you about, when you love someone so much, it hurts. They can’t tell you, because you’ll never know until you feel it.

A post shared by Laura Mazza (@themumontherun_) on Apr 3, 2019 at 8:02pm PDT

The mother of two continued to detail her experience with postnatal depression, explaining how her son opened her up to her own emotions.

“Luca was my experience with postnatal depression and for that I’m so grateful. He saved me. He made me aware of the severity of my mental health issues, he made me realise I have unresolved childhood issues. He made me stand up to the darkness in my brain and he gave me the light. He is so beautiful,” she wrote.

“Oh crap, now I’m crying again. Every night he makes me come into his bed, sometimes I love it, other times I don’t, but he hadn’t come in last night… and I thought, great it’s already started where he won’t need me. I went to the toilet and when I came out, he was standing there and said ‘mummy I’ve been waiting for you!! Come and snuggle me!’,” she added.

Laura continued to reflect on that fact that your children growing up before your eyes is a part of motherhood nobody tells you about.

“Oh my beautiful Luca, I didn’t know it but I was waiting for you my whole life… I might bitch and moan about motherhood but you, and your siblings, are the sunshine in my life. And as he chatted away about his day and his friends, I made a little promise, that I will snatch these moments forever, and that everything else can wait. My little baby is growing up and that is the part in motherhood they don’t tell you about, when you love someone so much, it hurts,” she wrote.

“They can’t tell you, because you’ll never know until you feel it.”

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