The crazy new thing the beauty industry wants to do to your vagina.

In this week’s edition of “things that no-one asked for and help women feel bad about themselves”, we present to you: vontouring!

Vontouring is the cute nickname for Protégé Intima Labial and Vulval Tightening. Because obviously that’s a bit of a mouthful.

Now don’t you go getting confused by the comparison to “contouring” which involves using make-up to fake cheekbones, because you can’t wash vontouring off at the end of the day.

Instead, according to sex bible Cosmopolitan it “involves holding a pen-like device which uses thermal energy to stimulate collagen production against the skin. The additional collagen production causes the skin to become plumper and tighter, reducing the shape and size of prominent or low-hanging labia.”

This is what it looks like if your beautician is applying it in the dark, and you’re already keeping it pretty tight in every other department:

Let’s be clear: thermal energy is heat. So someone is essentially applying a hot curling iron to your lady parts so that they freak out and creep back into themselves like a frightened snail.

The procedure is widely being referred to as “non-invasive, non-surgical labioplasty” for “clients aged 18 to 65 who report non-pleasing aesthetic appearance” of their labias majora and minora. However, we think what they mean to say is it is a non-body-positive, non-necessary procedure that is targeted at women and perpetuates the myth that they need their ‘privates’ to be ‘tidy’.

We’ll work on the marketing pitch and get back to you.

If you are wondering what is normal when it comes to the vj, we asked a doctor who specialises in our bathing suit bits (post continues after the video):

If there is one redeeming feature to be noted, it’s that of the women who tried it; 60% announced significant improvement of sexual satisfaction, according to Beauty Salon Freya Estetica.

You know what else helps sexual satisfaction though? Talking to your partner about what makes you feel good. Just a simple conversation. And you can save the $422 it costs to vontour. Just a suggestion.

In other news, we’re still waiting to here about the male equivalent to this procedure that we’re sure is getting rolled out shortly.

Stay tuned.

And while we’re talking about vaginas, here are a series of things that accidentally look like them:

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