health

We're calling it: this is the most ridiculous dieting trend of the year.

From thecorsetdiet.com

We all got the memo that the only way to a better body is through good diet and exercise, right?  I mean, I wasn’t in Pilates trying to achieve the impossible and get myself a thigh gap when some well respected scientist took to a lectern and announced that there is a miracle solution that sheds pounds while requiring little to no effort, was I?

No?  Then why the heck are we still persisting with the search when we know the only way to get rid of our arse is to get off it??

As I perused the internet this week I came across not one but two of the most ridiculous weight loss solutions I’ve ever heard of, and I haven’t even included that bird who lives on nothing but bananas… it’s no surprise you’re skinny, sweetheart, you’re not eating anything.

The first of these ingenious regimes is ‘The Corset Diet’ brought to you by the good people at www.thecorsetdiet.com

According to their website they offer “surgical gastric band stomach reduction the Victorian way” and before you start thinking that ‘The Victorian Way’ means getting knocked out with chloroform while an under-aged chimney sweep comes in to broom out your excess fat, or a meal plan reminiscent of the ‘Irish Potato Famine’, the ‘Corset Diet’ actually requires nothing of you except wearing a corset for 6 hours a day.  So simple, and perfect if you work in an organisation that doesn’t mind if you turn up for work looking like you’re off to a bondage night after close of business.

Described by health experts as a solution they would not recommend for long term weight loss, the good people at corsetdiet.com have rebuffed those ‘scientific’ opinions from members of the ‘medical’ fraternity and stated that despite those doctors combined years of study and research, their own ‘research’ has found that this is actually the ‘best’ way to shift stubborn kilos fast.

Here I was thinking that the most reliable opinion was always that of the individuals who went to university but apparently we’re to take our advice from an organisation that I’m pretty sure is just the Ponds Institute dressed up for a ‘50 Shades of Grey’ party.

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The genius’ at the Corset Diet state that calorie counting and restrictive diets require willpower and take a long time to achieve results, and who can be bothered wasting precious time ‘doing stuff’ when you could just strap on an item of clothing that promises to ‘reduce the internal volume of your stomach’?

And speaking of strap-ons, when you purchase your corset you also get free membership to something called The Shhh Secret Society which on closer inspection appears to be a lingerie and adult toy website.  What more validation do you need about the reputability of this product than the fact that it comes with a complimentary vibrator? Although maybe that’s just their accompanying exercise program, I guess I’ll have to read the fine print.

There is now such a thing as beauty denim.

Now, if ‘sex-ercise’ isn’t your thing or if you just don’t have the staff on hand to lace you into a corset every day before breakfast, there is another option for the more fashion conscious amongst us and that is “Beauty Denim”.

For this invention we can thank Brazilian designer, Alexandre Herchcovitch who claims he has developed a pair of jeans that smoothes away cellulite with frequent wear.

Naturally those pesky ‘doctors’ have come out to spoil the party again by reminding us all that there is no cure for cellulite, which is often triggered by poor diet, bad circulation and a slow metabolism but while they have their ‘facts’ Alexandre has his ‘Emana yarn’ which apparently absorbs electromagnetic waves emitted by the body, providing tissue stimulation and preventing the accumulation of cellulite.

Sounds like exactly what every woman wants…a pair of jeans that absorbs heat around your crotch area.  Perfect for all those individuals who feel like they just don’t get thrush as much as they’d like to.

Seriously ladies, take off the denim, get out of the corset and jump on the treadmill.  We’re better than this.

Rachel Corbett hosts Triple M’s national Drive Show ‘Merrick and the Highway Patrol and is a writer/performer on ABC2’s ‘The Roast’.

Fess up. Have you ever tried a ridiculous diet? What was it, and how badly did you get suckered in?

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