Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 1: Australia just met the creepiest villain in Bachelorette history.

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Ssssshhhh pls.

It’s bach time.

Channel Ten has given us a good two weeks to get over calling Abbie a hornbag and also to hopefully forget about that time we all fell in love with a hot astrophysicist and then slowly went off him because he said “sexual chemistry” too many times.

To distract us they’ve given us an Angie who we’re guaranteed to love because:

a) She loves watching trashy TV just like us, and
b) Doggos. Lots of doggos.

We open on Angie saying that over the past few years she’s prioritised dogs over dudes and… same. 

She then explains that sometimes she thinks too much with her vagina and legend has it if you lean towards the TV screen and listen closely you can hear Osher quietly giggling in the background.

PAUSE.

HE’S HERE.

OSHIE BE HERE.

After Osher and Angie chat, Osher goes and hides behind the bushes and the mens start arriving.

Here are the MVPs.

Timm with two Ms. Doesn't mind a sunflower.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Carlin. Nice hair. Doesn't say much.

Rosie. Likes treats and barking at imaginary things.

Kayde. 25. Is a Shit Zac Efron.

Ciarran. 25. Enjoys a neck tattoo. Describes himself as a "sexual Willy Wonka".

Jess. 36. Local councilman from Noosa. Brings an actual throne to sit on and then tells Angie she has to work for the key to his "front door apartment" which she certainly does not want.

Ooooooh plot twist pls.

Osher's been doin' a sneaky sneak.

You see, next we meet Mark from Brisbane who is actually not Mark from Brisbane but Angie's brother Brad who's going undercover to see what the guys have to say about his sister's boobs.

Osher's very excited.

Undercover Brother Mark enters the mansion and the mens immediately start talking about his sister's boobs.

PAUSE.

Osher's here and he has a fancy yellow rose pls.

He explains to the boys that it's the "24 hour rose" and the man who receives the rose will get to spend 24 hours alone with Angie (and 38 crew members) on the first single date.

The men "oooooh" and "ahhhhh" and Osher seems quite chuffed with himself.

Once Oshie leaves, the men stand around talkin' about cutting each other's grass and then Shit Zac Efron announces he's about to do some Jim's Mowing before stealing Angie from Rosie's dad who we just discovered is named Jamie and is still wearing an unnecessary fireman outfit.

Jamie walks around the mansion telling everyone about the grass cutting incident and all the boys say he's "sweatin" but that could be because he's wearing a full fireman outfit for no particular reason.

That nice young man who doesn't talk much has written a song for Angie. He begins serenading her and then Shit Zac Efron AKA Jim's Mowing decides to do some grass cuttin'.

He jumps over an unnecessary fence, grabs the guitar, and plays three shit chords before realising that he's made a terrible mistake.

The nice young man who doesn't say much tells Shit Zac Efron to go away and he says he's just "really horny" which actually... makes sense.

The boys continue to cut each other's grass and then Sexual Willy Wonka has a lil' twerk in his red velvet, innit?

Jess The Local Councilman says he doesn't want the 24 hour rose even though he's a middle-aged man in a cape who has no chance of winning this thing.

Angie and Undercover Brother Mark go have a chat while the boys call him a "dark horse" and a "stallion" and other equestrian-themed things.

Undercover Brother Mark tells Angie that Jess The Local Councilman doesn't even want Oshie's special 24 hour rose.

Angie be pissed.

She takes Jess The Local Councilman for a chat and like a typical politician he denies saying it, while loudly cackling and stroking an evil looking cat which has suddenly appeared and wrapped itself around his shoulders.

It's at this point that we realise that the majority of the men seem to think they're at some kind of fancy dress party.

Still wearing his cape, Jess The Local Councilman accuses the man in the unnecessary fireman outfit of telling Angie he doesn't want Osher's fancy rose, while a random man skulls a beer in the background.

They go back and forth for a while before the man in the unnecessary fireman outfit tells the camera when people spread lies about him it makes him feel worthless and... true. 

PAUSE.

Oshie's back and he's got an announcement pls.

He tells the men about his sneaky sneak with Undercover Brother Mark and does himself a giggle.

Angie gives Carlin, who has suddenly found his voice, the 24 hour rose because of his face and also... his face.

Sssssshhhh.

It's rose ceremony time.

The man in the unnecessary fireman outfit gets a rose after broodingly staring into the distance and talking about whether he will get a rose/what he will do if he doesn't get a rose for approximately 49509 minutes.

Ciarran and his red velvet suit gets a rose.

Timm with two Ms gets a rose.

Shit Zac Efron gets a rose.

Then Angie calls out Jess The Local Councilman's name. He walks up to her and when she asks him if he accepts the rose he... pauses.

He then YUCK gives Angie two kisses on the cheek YUCK and walks back to the other men.

NOPE.

NO.

NO HE DID NOT.

When he joins the rest of the men he turns to one of them and says "How was my pause?"

DUDE YOU ARE A MIDDLE AGED MAN WITH A RECEDING HAIRLINE WHO IS WEARING A CAPE YOU DON'T GET TO PAUSE.

Just when we think he couldn't get any creepier he... winks at Angie.

SIR.

THE WHOLE COUNTRY'S SKIN JUST CRAWLED.

ANGIE AND OSHER DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

Oh... and two random men we've never laid eyes on get sent home and we hope they live full and happy lives.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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