The Bachelor Recap - Episode 3

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Once again, we open on our Bachelor walking along the beach contemplating life/romance/whether his polo could be any tighter (it couldn’t). Obviously, there’s a brief shot of him in the shower to remind us about the muscles.

Anna gets the one on one date. The date-card clue says “Lift off”. One of the girls genuinely asks if that means they’re going to space.

No turning back, you guys. We’re in this now. We’re in this.

Turns out Anna is normal, which after Ali/Jolene/etc is kind of a boring shock. She and Tim head to the Blue Mountains in a helicoptor, because the only time anyone travels by car on this show is when they’ve been kicked off. Lots of shots of trees and Anna saying “Oh my gosh!” Meh.

They go up in a sky-car and look at the view. Seriously – that’s all that happens. I literally have no jokes. I just want Ali to fly in on a chopper she stole and mark her man-territory with urine. In a desperate attempt to make this interesting, the producers start using their favourite tool: SERIOUS MUSIC. Tim says they’re going to do something that nobody in Australia has ever done before. What will it be? Will they jump? Will Anna wear a clear lip-gloss?

No.

They have a picnic. On top of the sky-car. That’s it. Apparently it’s exciting because HIGH. Although it’s not clear if the ‘Australian first’ is the ‘picnic in the sky’ thing or the ‘picnic with no food’ thing. Yeah – this is a foodless picnic. Because things aren’t dull enough already.

Can someone please tell Channel 10 that you can’t just sit on a blanket and call it a picnic? Without food, you’re just sitting on a blanket.

Anna is refusing to show any crazy, despite the lack of Doritos. Tim says he has a fear of heights. Anna decides admitting that makes him vulnerable so he is now meant to be her husband. Ugh. Can we pleeeease cut back to the hou – Ooooh! We’re cutting back to the house!

Bianca says she’s “not jealous – just envious.” YES. That’s better. Give us more!

Dani says she isn’t worried because “What’s that saying? The rabbit or whatever? The turtle… The turtle wins the race?” NAILED IT.

Ali seems to be handling being left out of the upcoming group date quite well. Disappointing.

Cut back to the one on one. GASP! DRAMA: Anna has never had a boyfriend. Will this scare Tim off? Cut to suspense-filled ad break. We come back to find out Tim doesn’t care. Well that was a whole lotta nothin’.

Tim then talks about her lips for 25 minutes, while staring at them like he’s that murderer from The Silence of Lambs and wants to put her in a hole while he softens them up a bit more.

We pan out and see that the intimate living room they’re sitting in is just a leftover set from the Bold and the Beautiful. I wish Ridge would come in and accuse Anna of betraying the Forresters by faking the death of her father’s illegitimate son. But he doesn’t. Tim gives Anna the rose, they kiss on the cheek and that’s it. That’s IT.

Back at the house, the girls asks Anna if she pashed him and she doesn’t say no. LIES! It’s the most interesting thing she’s done all night. Bianca isn’t buying it though, and in the heartbreaking absence of Jolene it looks like she’s been pegged as the new villian.

Next up, we have the group date. It’s in the desert, which Dani helpfully explains to us has “so much sand!” The editors are trying to trick us into thinking we’re somewhere in the Middle East by playing music Disney would use when focussing on a scary snake-charmer.

Osher looks like he may cry when the producers force him to say “You never know what’s over the next sand dune…” as he gestures to the closest sand dune. Obviously by ‘you never know’ he means unless you’re watching The Bachelor, in which case it will be The Bachelor. It is The Bachelor.

He rises above the sand like a god and ‘sand-boards’ (it’s a thing good-looking people do, you guys) down to the girls while they squeal with delight.

We then have lots of screaming and sand-boarding and bitchy looks etc etc etc. Emily wins a race and her prize is sitting with Tim on a camel. They talk about being on a camel. Worth it.

Cut back to the house and Penny is freaking out that she hasn’t had enough time with Tim. Has only met him twice, but obviously he’s the love of her life and that’s why it would be ‘gut-wrenching’ to leave. Ali continues to be normal.

Finally! Rose ceremony time. Each girl has a brilliant and unique plan: Talk to Tim.

He pulls Dani aside but seems confused because she doesn’t have on the side-boob dress like last time. This throws him and they end up having a scintillating converstion about siblings. DRAMATIC MUSIC: Some girls try to interrupt their private conversation but Dani sends them away.

Bianca gets her own back by telling the camera “I don’t think she’s that hot. Like I don’t. I’ve seen better.” It’s like Ja’mie King is a real person. (Excuse me while I take 2 heavenly hours to imagine Ja’mie on The Bachelor.)

YES! Ja’mie Bianca and Tim get some time alone. She admits to being confused about the rules since she doesn’t understand why she “has to share him.”

O.M.F.G – they’re sending Ali in. BATTLESTATIONS!! Have they been saving her this whole episode for an epic showdown with the only other girl left who can match her crazy?

Ali slowly walks over to Bianca and Tim. You know as soon as she interrupts, Bianca’s body will break open and a hybrid of Alien/Predator will emerge to eat her face. Sadly, by the look on Bianca’s face, Ali suspects the face-eating scenario may be on the agenda, and decides to play it cool by standing two metres away and staring at the back of Tim’s head instead. Smooth.

Penny finally gets a one on one conversation and manages to casually act like she hasn’t been on the verge of sacrificing a kitten to make it happen. She immediately becomes the best girl in the competition by telling Tim that he’ll only be the one for her ‘if he’s lucky.’ This concept seems to confuse him. Aren’t the girls the lucky ones? Muscles etc?

Osher comes in to explain how the rose ceremony works, because it’s only week 3 and there may still be some confusion. NO ROSE = YOU NOT PRETTY. GO HOME.

Penny gets first rose. Much deserved.

Serious music, close-up shots, tense faces words words words etc etc. Ali and Bianca both get picked, so at least we know the crazy is set for next week.

We fly through a whole bunch of women I don’t recognise. Seems like maybe the trick is to say nothing all episode then turn up to the rose ceremony in sparkly cleavage dress.

Dr. Judy ‘first rose in the Australia‘ and Sherri ‘only been on screen twice’ are booted. At least Judi will always have that first rose though, you guys. The first rose in Australia was hers. How can she go back to practicing medicine after such a massive acheivement?

Sherri leaving is a disappointment since she’s Tim Mathieson’s daughter and I was really hoping for some ‘Meet the parents’ eps with Julia Gillard. It should also be noted that she was one of the only normal women left, which means Tim is clearly building the ultimate crazy cast of my dreams.

Next week: Ali is getting a one on one. REPEAT: ALI IS GETTING A ONE ON ONE. Will Tim wake up in a pink bedroom with a wedding ring on his finger and no idea what happened?

Here’s hoping…

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