Mamamia recaps The Bachelor: We almost had our first full-blown sex scene.

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Ssssssshhhh pls.

Two white people are trying to enjoy a date which involves unnecessary forms of transport and they need your full attention.

After Matt and Monique drive in a car to get on some planes, they sit in front of another plane to chat about their feelings.

It feels… excessive.

When Mamamia met The Bachelor. Post continues after video. 

Look. This is all lovely but we don’t care CAUSE WE SEEN THE PROMO AND WE KNOW ABBIE’S ABOUT TO STIR SOME SHIT.

You see, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. That time of the year when Osher creates a “photoshoot” with the sole aim of getting the womens to stand around in groups b*tchin’ about each other.

We like it a lot.

This year’s theme is “leading ladies” and also “fairytale endings” which makes zero sense to anyone who’s actually seen the movie version of Romeo and Juliet.

Anywho, the first photoshoot involves a woman allegedly named “Issy” playing dead, Nichole with a H and Jessika Power Rachael playing tradies who would definitely fight you in the pub, and some other random woman playing… actual death.

As meticulously planned by Osher, Abbie, Vakoo and a miscellaneous white woman stand around watching and conclude there's no chemistry between Matt and Issy in a scene that requires her to play... dead.

Next is Osher's take on Cinderella, which involves Mary trying to murder Matt and Sogand in their sleep.

It's terrifying for everyone involved... especially Osher who had to bury the bodies under the rose bushes.

We then move onto Romeo and Juliet, which we now know is just Osher for "two people standing around awkwardly while other people comment on their height difference".

Cool.

And then it... happens.

We witness the most awkward ancient Egyptian threesome in the history of ancient Egyptian threesomes.

Matt and Vakoo, dressed as Antony and Cleopatra, are sitting on a couch and Abbie is doin' a fan.

Then Abbie decides to molest precisely all of us.

We unpack all the latest antics on the Bachie mansion on our Mamamia Recaps podcast... Post continues after audio 

She puts down the fan, sits on the ground, grabs Matt's face and looks at him with the same intensity that I look at a Quarter Pounder.

It continues for approximately 395894 minutes until Osher starts giggling uncontrollably from behind the couch and asks for his mum.

Pause. 

It's cocktail party time and Osher has devised a new way to get more screen time.

He's found an empty fish bowl and he's decided it would be fun for him if the contestants put tiny notes in it so he can shake it all around and giggle.

He tells them that either Sogand or Abbie will get to spend some alone time with Matt in the orchard, depending on how many times their name is put in his fancy fish bowl.

The women stand around and discuss this decision for the next six years, while Osher eats some free crackers and signs some copies of his book that just happen to be lying around the mansion.

Then Osher grabs his fish bowl, does a little count, and Abbie's name is put in there more than Sogand's so she heads to orchard to meet regular ole' Matt.

But Matt's got a surprise for her.

You see, he ain't regular ole' Matt, he's... Glasses Matt.

It's almost... too much.

After telling everyone she wouldn't kiss Matt because they're approximately two metres away from his 16 other girlfriends, Abbie done kisses him. A lot.

It goes on for approximately 448955 minutes until an alpaca farts in the background.

One of the contestants says Abbie is "around the corner, hooking up with our boyfriend" and true.

When Abbie arrives back at the mansion they're all suitably annoyed at her snog session, because as we know, the unwritten rule of the bachelor is that you can kiss the bachelor on a single date but you can't kiss him in front of a judgy yet flatulent alpaca.

Sssssshhhh pls.

It's rose ceremony time.

Everyone else gets a rose and then Vakoo gets a rose which she... cries about.

She's probably struggling with some repressed memories from that ancient Egyptian threesome she never consented to.

The only person who doesn't get a rose is "Issy" because of that one time she failed to have chemistry with the bachelor while she was actually dead. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

This has been a weird night for precisely all of us.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

Catch up on all our Bachelor recaps, right here: 

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 1: "It's showtime, b*tches." The bride who divides the mansion.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 2: NO, SERIOUSLY THEY'RE GOING TO KILL EACH OTHER.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelor episode 3: There's a twist at the cocktail party and one woman DONE LOSES IT.

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