By ROSIE WATERLAND
Well, order has officially been restored to the earth and all feels right in the depths of my soul. We finally open on Bachie Wiggum thinking about life and love the only way he knows how:
Doing sit-ups. Shirtless. On a cliff-top. At sunset. Looking out at the ocean.
Just look at that brain in action.
Cut to Ridge Forrester’s house, and Osher’s humiliation kicks off almost immediately this week. In he struts, big smile, sad eyes, not a hair out of place. He pulls out the single date card and says:
“Sorry to tell you I’m not here to cook you breakfast. But I am here to give you THIS.”
Oh Osher. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. STOP DOING THIS TO HIM CHANNEL TEN! DON’T YOU KNOW HE WAS ON AUSTRALIAN IDOL?
Oshey makes as dignified an exit as he can. Goes back to his trailer to read Foucault and dream about Mark Holden inventing the Touchdown.
The one who always wears lipstick gets the single date. Louise, I think. All the girls squeal and jump up and down and help her get ready. Anyone else feel like this is what happens when a new sister wife gets welcomed into the fold?
YES. This date isn’t just on a yacht. It’s on a SUPER YACHT. Not a catamaran, but close.
Bachie Wiggum, wearing a polo shirt and boat shoes, pulls off the “Bachie on a Boat Collection” look perfectly. Louise squeals as she runs into his arms.
This episode has already reached peak squeal. I wonder how Bachie is going to handle coming across women who don’t start shrieking indiscriminately the second they see him? I imagine he’ll be frightened and confused. Like my brain when anyone tries to explain metadata.
Water activities/fun in the sun/we are compatible etc etc etc. Lipstick Louise spends a lot of time explaining that she is actually low maintenance even though she wears red lipstick all the time because everyone on this show has decided that red lipstick is the international symbol for high maintenance.
After eating seafood on the Super Yacht, Lipstick Louise decides that Bachie will always be there for her if she ever needs him. #SOULMATES
He gives her a rose. They kiss. Can’t go in for a close-up because Bachie is now wearing high-maintenance lippie.
WEIRD COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Tonight’s group date is a cocktail party at Ridge Forrester’s house, which confuses everyone because we are only 25 minutes into the episode, and sequin cocktail party fights to the death don’t usually happen until the end.
WHERE IS OSHER! I’M FRIGHTENED OSHER! I’m sorry they made you say that thing about breakfast, but we need you now! The usual narrative of the show is changing and everybody is confused!
Thank glob. There he is. And his hair is in a suit which means this is serious.
Oh Osh. You’ll get through this, babe. Just think of all the Nice ’n’ Easy you’ll be able to afford.
Osher takes Bachie outside and breaks the devastating news to him:
Six more girls are coming into the house. Poor Bachie Wiggum has to date six more women, on top of the nine already inside.
Bachie looks despondant. There may be people starving in Uganda, but this is serious, you guys.
Bombshell dropped, Osh heads back to the hyperbaric chamber that will keep his hair in place until his next scene.
The new girls start pulling into the drive-way.
Mary. 27. Acting student. Wants a man who is tall and fit. “I don’t like mediocrity,” says the 27-year-old acting student.
Rachel. 27. Medical Sales. Like the netball girl who left, but with basketball.
Anastasia. Not important enough to get any more info.
Tahnee. Not important enough to get any more info.
Aley. 25. Fashion Blogger. NOt important enough to get any more info.
Lauren. Dance Teacher. Not important enough to get any more info.
Alright, introductions out of the way, let’s head inside, where the original girls are LOSING THEIR FREAKING MINDS.
They actually cannot deal with how unfair this is. They were only okay with Bachie dating the nine of THEM. Nine is obviously the maximum number of girlfriends your boyfriend may have. Bringing in six more women is just CRUEL AND RIDICULOUS.
How very dare he date 15 women at once? DOESN’T HE KNOW NINE IS THE OFFICIAL ALLOTTED NUMBER OF WOMEN ALLOWED?
Okay, drama bombs are happening all over the place so we’re going to have to break this down into highlights:
Tears/tears/how could he do this to us/I thought he was such a good guy/I feel so betrayed/tears tears tears.
Canadian Killer Horse Girl feels “depreciated in value.” Because being one of 9 is obviously fine, but being one of 15 is just offensive.
Audrey Day-Knight tells the new women: “Youse should get to know each other,” just minutes before holding her head high and saying she thinks they lack beauty and grace.
The following girls are only now feeling like they’ve made jokes of themselves:
Closet bogan Sam.
Canadain Killer Horse Girl.
Audrey Day-Knight.
Osher’s stand-in Chantal.
Curly Hair #2
Someone called Kara.
Poor Bachie has to put out several emotional fires. Which, considering all the girls are reacting like Ebola has reached the mansion, turns out to be quite easy. After having Bachie tell them they are special, each girl immediately accepts that she is special. And why wouldn’t you believe the man dating nine fifteen other women when he tells you that you are the one he really likes?
I’m not sure how this happened, but it seems like this has actually made the original girls like Bachie even more. He even makes a solemn speech about life presenting us with challenges and your partner being someone you should be able to face those challenges with.
Wow. he is actually turning the fact he just started dating 6 more women into a test of character.
Bachie Wiggum is a douche.
Emotional storms subdued, he spends some time with the new girls. He seems nonplussed with the one who has degrees in Law and Engineering, but he really clicks with the one who says she finds him very tall and attractive.
Back inside, civility is falling apart. Audrey Day-Knight is telling everyone about this thing she read about once called ‘segregation’. It’s this thing you use to keep people who are different and therefore scary away from you. Audrey thinks that ‘they’ should live in a separate part of the house. She also wants ‘them’ to use a seperate bathroom. And if they ever have to ride a bus you can be damn sure the ‘others’ will have to sit up the back. Behind a curtain.
The party is broken up before Audrey has time to distribute flyers about the dangers of sharing food with the different people.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME.
Someone called Kara thinks that if one of the original girls goes home tonight, that would be “an absolute travesty of justice.” I think we can all agree that the severity of this whole situation is defintiely on par with modern-day genocide. Somebody start a Change.org petition. Stat.
OH MY GLOB DRAMAAAA: Canadian Killer Horse Girl TURNS DOWN THE ROSE. Bachie Wiggum has been rejected.
Oh, except she doesn’t. It’s just a Canadian Killer Horse Girl ploy for attention. She takes the rose after five minutes of crying about Killer Horses and her emotions.
Two new girls whose names and faces I’ve already forgotten are sent home to their proud families.
And that’s it.
I feel like I need a nap. And possibly a shower.
Next week: Will Audrey Day-Knight be successful in her attempts to segregate the bathrooms? Will Bachie convince the girls that they need to let him date 37 more women to prove they can face life’s challenges? No. But there is an actual Bachelorette Bake-Off. Because what’s the point of testing their mothering skills if they don’t have the cooking skills to match?
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