Rosie Reviews: Bachie is not allowed to keep all of his girlfriends. Cries at the injustice.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Oh my glob, you guys. THREE FREAKING EPISODES TO GO.

And of course, because we’ve been waiting for it for so long, the editors have chosen to open tonight’s ep with a Bachie-Thinking SUPERCUT. He’s running and thinking. He’s swimming and thinking. He’s shirtless and thinking. He’s Bachie. And he’s thinking:

It’s like Sandra Sully has been saving that just for me. Love you, Sandra. Let’s do lunch. And please let Osher out of the basement once in a while – his hair needs the Vitamin D to stay strong.

Well, it’s Home Town Date-Night tonight and WE ARE NOT MESSING AROUND, PEOPLE. Things kick off immediately with Lipstick-then-not-lipstick Louise.

LOUISE’S HOME TOWN DATE: PICTURESQUE THREDBO.

Bachie meets Louise in her home town of Thredbo. Of course she looks like Malibu Stacey: The Snow Bunny Edition. Lots of frolicking in the snow ensues/making snow-angels/I’ve missed you so much/let’s not mention my other girlfriends/isn’t the snow beautiful etc etc etc.

TIME TO MEET THE FAM:

After sufficient snow-frolicking levels have been reached, they head off to Louise’s family home to meet her parents and brothers. And – Woah. Hold up. Louise is LOADED. Check out that freaking snow mansion. She could probably just buy The Bachelor and end this whole thing right now.

Her dad Terry reckons it’ll take him half an hour to be able to tell if Bachie is serious and if this is a real, long-term thing. Really, Tez? The fact Bachie has forced your daughter to compete against 29 other women for his attention hasn’t already given you some kind of indication of what this thing is all about? You’re meeting a man who judged your daughter’s character by seeing how long she could stay on a mechanical bull, and you reckon you need another half an hour?

Okay, buddy.

Uh oh. DRAMA: Bachie spills a drink on Terry. He says it was an accident, but I think it was clearly a desperate attempt to get him to change out of that super-tight black polo. I don’t think Bachie appreciated not having the tightest shirt in the room.

Tez goes to clean up, then he and Bachie share a special romantic moment outside:

End date.

SAM’S HOME TOWN DATE: THE PICTURESQUE MORNINGTON PENINSULA.

Bachie and Sam meet. Lots of hugging/missed you/so excited to see you etc etc etc. They sit in a spa for a while. Romance.

TIME TO MEET THE FAM:

So closet-bogan Sam comes from a glorious family of equally adorable closet-bogans. I assume they talk about NRL while Sam’s sister pulls Bachie away for a private ‘Oh, we’re just casually making a salad together’ chat:

She asks Bachie what he likes about Sam, and he immediately lists several things about her looks. But they have only been on two dates you guys, so I guess that’s understandable. Also, Bachie has a lot of girls to keep track of, and he was really struggling with his reading practice this week, so give him a freaking break, okay?

Closet-Bogan Sister takes Closet-Bogan Sam outside for a very secretive secret talk about Bachie. Sam asks Sister-lady if there’s anything she’s concerned about. Sister says no.

Really? No concerns? Not even this:

They have a glorious Closet-Bogan dinner with classy matching stubby-holders because they are the glorious Closet-Bogans of my dreams:

Before Bachie leaves he pressures Sam into saying that he’s the only one for her. She won’t say it. You know, because of the whole ‘three other girlfriends’ thing. And as usual, when ladies no do what Bachie like, Bachie brain no compute. Bachie confuse:

“I’m really confused. After everything we’ve gone through and everything we’ve done, Sam seems to be doubting herself. And doubting our life together.”

Yeah. She is so freaking selfish. How could she be doubting your relationship when you have clearly proved yourself by culling your girlfriends down from 30 to 4? DOESN’T SHE SEE HOW INCREDIBLE YOU ARE? What. A. Bitch.

End date.

LISA’S HOME TOWN DATE: PICTURESQUE NOOSA. Of fucking course. Did anyone on this show not grow up in a massive family home located in a ridiculously picturesque location?

Okay. Nothing happens on this date.

TIME TO MEET THE FAM:

He meets her parents and sister at their huge waterfront mansion, because of course she grew up in a huge waterfront mansion:

All I can keep thinking is if I did a home-town date on this show, I’d be taking Bachie to a very picturesque Houso-complex in North Ryde, often affectionately referred to by locals as ‘The Ghetto’. We’d have a lovely view of the mattress collection in our neighbour’s front yard. And we could swing by Macquarie Shopping Centre for lunch in the food-court, which has a Maccas AND a KFC.

Anyway. Everybody seems to have a lovely time.

End date.

GUSHICA’S HOME TOWN DATE – A NOT-SO-PICTURESQUE CARAVAN PARK AT OCEAN BEACH

Lots of calling things beautiful etc etc etc. The date is so boring that the editors actually spend a significant portion of it focussing on the features of the car they’re driving:

TIME TO MEET THE FAM:

IT’S AT A FREAKING CARAVAN PARK! Well, it’s in one of the ‘fancy cabins’ at the caravan park, but a caravan park is a caravan park is a caravan park, amiright? Finally! A home town date I can relate to. Apparently this is where Jess and her fam went on holidays when she was a kid. Interesting that she chose to bring Bachie here rather than her actual family home. What is she hiding? Brick veneer? Fibro? I wish we had seen the real thing. Although, seeing Gushica at the Ocean Beach Holiday Park is actually the most I’ve ever liked Gushica.

Boring boring dinner dinner boring boring.

Bachie takes Gush outside and has slow-blinking forehead sex with her until she has a Gushgasm. At least we know he isn’t a selfish lover.

End date.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

Oshie’s here! And what a glorious relief it is. An entire hour of his courtesy laughs last night was not enough to make up for the fact this is the first time we are seeing him in tonight’s episode. He looks magnificent as usual. And he really is pulling off his best sombre/serious face this evening. Because love’s journey is ABOUT TO END FOR ONE LADY.

He gives Bachie a very heartfelt and meaningful handshake. It’s a two-hander, because EMOTIONS:

Although I’d like to think that Oshie was secretly passing Bachie a note, telling him the exact times that Sandra Sully is out of the Channel Ten building. If they can plan it just right, maybe they could escape together, and spend the rest of their lives travelling the world, Oshie curled up in Bachie’s front pocket. They could make it a show. It would be called ‘The adventures of Oshie and Bachie.’ I could host, and we’d all live happily ever after. #BACHIEANDOSHIEANDROSIE4EVA

LISA GETS THROUGH.

LOUISE GETS THROUGH.

OH MY GLOB DRAMAAAAAA BOMB:

Bachie needs a private moment with Gushica. Some emergency slow-blinking forehead sex, perhaps? No! He has some feelings he needs to talk about! He basically tells her that if she doesn’t commit to him fully right now, while he has three other girls in the next room, he won’t be able to pick her because she obviously isn’t serious enough.

Ugh.

DO NOT STAND FOR THAT SHIT, GUSHICA. TELL HIM THAT HE IS A MASSIVE KNOBCLOUD AND YOU WOULD RATHER HAVE A DICK IN THE EYE THAN GIVE IN TO HIS RIDICULOUS ULTIMATUMS!

Sigh. She takes none of my suggestions. She does exactly what he wants. Goes into Gush overdrive and tells him that he is the one for her blah blah fucking blah. I miss Laurina.

They head back into the Rose Ceremony room. Bachie is very emotional. He is not happy that he is being forced to get rid of one of his girlfriends. That Sandra Sully is one tough biatch. Bachie is overcome with the injustice of it all. How could they be forcing him to be monogamous? Hasn’t he proven that he can juggle MULTIPLE women? Oh glob… He can’t take it… It’s just so unfair… He’s losing it… It’s coming… Here it comes…

And he’s lost it:

Sandra Sully is not moved by Bachie’s glass case of emotion. She has spoken. One girl must go.

Bachie picks Gushica as the loser. GUSHICA IS BOOTED. Probably because the other three had mansions and she had a caravan park on the Cennie Coast.

He takes her outside to explain. Much tears. She goes in for a final round of slow-blinking forehead sex, but he rebuffs her: HE GIVES HER THE CHEEK. Love is officially dead.

NEXT WEEK IN THE FINAL TWO EPISODES:

BACHIE ABANDONS SOMEBODY IN SOUTH AFRICA AND PROPOSES TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

I actually can’t take this. It’s almost over, you guys. It’s almost over.

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Missed a recap? Catch up here:

Final Episode

Episode 19

Episode 18

Episode 17

Episode 16

Episode 15

Episode 14

Episode 13

Episode 12

Episode 11

Episode 10

Episode 9

Episode 8

Episode 7

Episode 6

Episode 5

Episode 4

Episode 3

Episode 2

Episode 1

In other news, Osher Gunsberg makes his own podcasts, which are fun, interesting and you can listen to them while picturing his excellent Bachie hair. Check them out here.