HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
It’s Tuesday. And you know what we all need on a dreary Tuesday? Celebrity news. All of the celebrity news.
Why? Because we deserve it, god dammit.
Here’s a round-up of the best entertainment and gossip news from the last 24 hours…
1. Taylor Swift gave quite an R-rated speech at her best friend Abigail’s wedding
A cheeky guest at Taylor Swift’s best friend’s wedding has gone rogue and leaked the pop star’s speech online.
We’d be mad on behalf of bride Abigail Anderson, but we’re too damn busy delighting in the raunchy words Swift shared in front of hundreds of people.
In the leaked recording, the 27-year-old singer recalls a ~sexual~ story about Anderson and her new husband Matt Lucier.
“She’s running after him, there’s falling, there’s stumbling,” Swift says.
“They make it to the bathroom and… I can hear sounds that I can never, ever unhear… and then there’s silence.”
The recording cuts out, but not before viewers are treated to a shot of the newlyweds basically wetting their pants with laughter.
Ahhhhh, ‘sounds that I can never unhear’ coming from a bathroom with two people in it. Sounds like every university party in existence, actually.
2. Here’s a completely guilt-free peek at Roxy Jacenko’s “one million dollar” Birkin bag collection
Sometimes, you just really want to gawk at the exorbitant wealth of others.
Like the many luxurious possessions owned by PR entrepreneur Roxy Jacenko, for example.
The director of Sweaty Betty PR and The Ministry of Talent is said to own a collection of Hermes Birkin bags worth over AU$1 million – yes, that’s correct, ONE MILLION DOLLARS – and she’s just added another purchase to the pile.
According to Daily Mail, an image shared a couple of years ago showed the media personality owned red, orange, brown, hot pink and black crocodile skin Birkins, thought to be worth up to $100,000 each.
Recent posts reveal that her collection has swelled more over the last two years, to include matte black, navy, and tan bags.
While an updated image of her full collection hasn't be shared, you can often find hints of Jacenko's designer bags in her Instagram photos.
Oh, and a reminder to any non-Birkin-bag-owning women reading this (same): We still think your bags from Kmart/Colette/Strandbags are beyond lovely.
3. Hey, Trump government? Lena Dunham is texting you
In case you missed the memo, the American people are currently using a nifty little gadget to make their voices heard by members of Congress.
The app, called Resistbot, allows citizens to Text RESIST to 50409, or message on Facebook. Then, Resistbot won't only find out who represents them in Congress, but will also deliver their political message to the Congresswoman (or man) in under two minutes.
Lena Dunham is a big fan.
"Got a little too excited contacting my reps," the GIRLS creator wrote to her 3.2 million followers on Tuesday.
"Plz do it too," Dunham finished, adding the hashtag #defendDACA.
Dunham is a vocal defender of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals - an initiative brought into action by the Obama government in 2012 that protects the children of 'illegal' refugees to live, study and work legally in America.
Now with a Trump administration, it seems the DACA program is under immediate threat.
4. Carrie Bickmore's message for her son on his 10th birthday
The first double digit birthday is a big milestone for any parent.
Carrie Bickmore is no different, celebrating her son Ollie's 10th birthday with a candid image taken after she pushed him out into the world.
Caution: Feelings up ahead.
"What this tired mama didn't realise was just how awesome life would be with this little old man in it. Ollie we have been on a big journey together honey, but raising you has been the easy bit," The Project co-host and radio presenter wrote in an Instagram post to her 418,000 followers.
"I never take for granted how lucky I am to have been given the chance to watch you grow up...you are the kindest, happiest, funniest, and most resilient young man. Your dad would be so proud of you who are.
"Happy 10th birthday. Don't ever stop snuggling next to me (well maybe one day-but not yet!)"
5. There are serious signs Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry are back together
Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom have a long documented history of paddle boarding at the beach (mostly in the nude, which isn't particularly relevant, but, you know, very intriguing).
Now the pair are at it again, sparking fresh rumours that they are very much BACK ON (for those who missed it, they went on a 'break' in March this year). Break, schmeak.
The singer, 32, and actor, 40, seemed to be having a grand old time paddle boarding over the weekend in California, and are "both working on making it right this time", a source confirmed.
Only this time Orlando thankfully decided to wear pants.
We're all for this, but only if they stick to oceanic activities of the clothed kind.
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