'Oh, apparently there are 10 etiquette rules for how ladies should eat. And I break all of them.'

Oh. 

I have just been informed that I have spent 29 long years eating my food completely and utterly... wrong. 

Not just wrong. Rudely wrong. Bad-table-manners-offending-strangers wrong. 

Apparently there are rules for how ‘ladies’ should eat (just ladies. No word on whether men have to follow them), and I break all of them. EVERY SINGLE DANG ONE.

School of Affluence founder Anna Bey has shared her dining etiquette advice in a 10-point YouTube list, and I feel uncomfortable about the word affluence but okay.

Watch some of the 'rules' below. Post continues after video.

She tells me that "an elegant lady would never be caught doing these things at a restaurant".

"Don't be one of those!!!" she warns and oh.....dear.

I am one of those, Anna. 

Rule one: Never place the wine glass in the wrong spot.

According to Anna, aka, my new etiquette coach, if you have a water glass it sits on the outside of your wine glass. And you have to put it back in that same order after every single sip. 

Sigh. 

Anna, I can't. I just can't, okay? That's simply too hard.

I have no further comment.

You're asking a lot of me for a 'rule one' and I simply can't deliver. 

Rule two:  Never cut the salad leaves in the salad. 

Anna, please, do you want me to be at dinner all evening? 

COVID-19 restrictions are kicking us out after 90 minutes at the moment. I have to eat on the chef's schedule, and you want me eating my iceberg without cutting it? 

BUT HOW?

This isn't pleasant. 

Rule three: You never 'make' a sandwich. 

Anna says you aren't allowed to take the whole slice of bread at the table and slather it in cheese/condiment/paste. You have to break it up into small bite-sized pieces and then slather each individual piece. 

MAKING SANDWICHES WITH TABLE BREAD IS WHY I GO TO DINNER, ANNA. 

These rules are simply not made for creatures like me. I once ate an entire foot long Subway sub in under five minutes. 'Pacing myself' is not something that I can control/want to control.

Would Anna approve of this behaviour? Y/N? 

Rule four: You have to refill your table guests' glass before your own.

I am not a monster. I have done this for my table companions before, but I can't promise that I always pour their glass first. 

SOMETIMES I AM REALLY THIRSTY....

Okay, now I feel bad.

Rule five: Never do the robocop. 

I thought this was robocop...

But apparently THIS is robocop: 

I DO THIS APPROXIMATELY EVERY TIME I GO OUT FOR A MEAL FFS.  

The robocop is when you place your knife and fork on either side of your plate, so the eating end is resting on the edge while the other side of the utensil is on the table. 

Anna says you have to rest them in an inverted "V" within the dish, with the utensils pointing back at you.

Okay, there is no reason I can't do this instead. I just don't....want to.  

You're not allowed to have the serrated side of your knife pointing outwards at any point throughout your dining experience. Anna says it's "not appropriate".

I do believe you Anna, that seems perfectly acceptable. 

Meanwhile, it me: 

SORRY ANNA. 

Rule seven: Never apply makeup at the table.

Anna says you go to the bathroom for this, always. 

But sometimes, Anna, I don't want to break the seal. And if I have to go to the bathroom to touch up my lippy, my bladder will see the toilet and demand I attempt to go. That's just a risk I am not willing to take. 

... No. 

Rule eight: Never hold a wine glass by the bowl or the base. Only hold it by the stem.

So none of this.  

 

 

Or this.  

 

Or this....ffs, Gemma. 

Yeah, pretty sure holding it by the "bowl" is my go-to.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

As an added rule, you aren't then allowed to also rest your elbow on the table while you hold your glass up.

Guilty once again...

Rule nine: Never blow your nose in public.

Like, ever?

Anna does say, if you're in an emergency you're allowed to "quickly dab it" but you must "try to go to the restroom for anything that is related to the nose".

BUT I GET HAYFEVER, ANNA. When I was a teenager my parents legitimately used to joke that they knew I was at home because "there was a trail of tissues around the house".

Sometimes, just sometimes, I will even use a table serviette as a tissue if I have forgotten to BYO.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. 

Rule ten: Never put your serviette on the plate at the end of the meal.

See, I thought this was helpful. 

I am clearing up the mess, so my waitress/waiter doesn't have to?!?

I officially give up. 

Who said I want to be elegant anyway.

I'm done. 

 Feature image: Supplied/Gemma Bath.