"Please don't make your child hug me hello."

It’s fine. Really. It is completely fine with me. And here’s why.

My friend to her small child: “Excuse me? Don’t be rude, give Avi a kiss hello.”

Me: “It’s okay, I don’t mind, she doesn’t have to.”

My friend: “Did you just hear me? You don’t want to be a rude little girl.”

Eventually, the kid gives in. Comes over and gives me a hug or kisses me on the cheek. And I feel terrible.

It’s not that I don’t want to hug my friend’s children, or my nieces, or chubby-cheek babies. I do. I really do.

It’s just…welll…there are multiple experts who say making a child to do something with their body (even a simple hug) when they don’t want to teaches them that they have no control over their body. That adults do.

Peter Saunders, chief executive of the National Association for People Abused in Childhood, says "Children should never be forced to do anything which makes them uncomfortable around [their body]. Children are instinctive and intuitive around people they are not comfortable with. And we need to respect that."

Of course you want your child to be polite. I understand.

And in our society, being polite means touching someone when you greet them. Whether it is a handshake for a new person, a side-cheek air-kiss for a friend, or a full body hug for family. And truth be told, sometimes I don't even want to touch people when I greet them.

But when you ask a child to do it, and they don't want to - because say, they are in the middle of drawing a Picasso-esque drawing - and you tell them to do it, you may be teaching them the wrong message.

You may be telling them that their thought of not wanting to do something doesn't matter. And THAT right there is the code that I don't want to interfere with just because of a greeting. THAT code is the little voice inside them that will alert them to trouble when you aren't around to protect them.

And I am not talking about never making your child do something. Teeth need brushing. Baths need to happen. I am talking about not wanting to squash that little feeling inside them that tells them to be careful. That they aren't comfortable.

Let's take another example. Something a little seemingly less harmless.

You're standing at a bus stop with your son. And an old man looks down and says "Hello little boy, aren't you very cute." or whatever old people say. And you nudge your son and say, "Don't be rude, Jimmy, say hello."

You just insisted that they greet a stranger. When we drum into our children to not talk to strangers, or to answer the door to a stranger. You have unintentionally just told your child that all those lessons are wrong. They are rude. And to be a good little boy, you need to talk to a stranger when they talk to you. Any stranger. All because you don't want that old man (who is probably really nice) to "tutt" you and call your sweet little boy rude.

So how do you balance the fine line between your child being polite and teaching your child they don't have to do something if they don't feel comfortable.

Explain to your child that saying hello to the old man at the bus stop is okay, because you are there.

Or tell your friends and family that if all your kid wants to do is wave, then that is completely fine. And if they aren't fine with it, it doesn't matter.

What matters, is that your child knows they don't have to touch someone if they feel uncomfortable.

If you are concerned about child abuse please contact your local authority: NSW 132 111, ACT 1300 556 728, NT 1800 700 250, QLD 1800 811 810 (Business hours) 1800 177 135 or (07) 3235 9999 (after hrs/weekends), SA 131 478, TAS 1300 737 639, VIC 131 278, WA 08 9492 5444.

Do you ask your child to give hugs and kisses to your friends and family?

Want more? Try this:

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