And yet compared to many other serious illness such as skin cancer, ovarian cancer and even SIDS (895 babies die every year of SIDS – down 85% in the past 10 years thanks to scientific research which has revealed the risk factors and a massive push to education new parents), there is no ad campaign for Stillbirth and shockingly little money made available for research.
This week on Mamamia on Sky News, we looked at the issue of stillbirth in a touching, revealing and very candid way.
On our panel is Kristina Keneally, former premier of NSW and patron of the Stillbirth Foundation. Kristina lost her second child, a daughter called Caroline who was stillborn several years ago. And our special guest in this segement is Emma McLeod who also lost a daughter, Olivia, after a seemingly normal pregnancy in 2002.
Back then, there was no organisation to support Emma, or her family so she started her own and it’s still going strong today. The Stillbirth Foundation is the only one of its kind, supporting women and families who have experienced a loss that society still struggles to define.
Mia chats to Emma tonight about love, loss and her life’s work.
The full episode is now live right here (the stillbirth segment begins at 16mins 11 secs):
During the show we showed a humbling series of photos of stillborn children, photographed with their families so they had something to remember them by. Some photos are of the families and their other children. These are those photos.
The photos are taken by Heartfelt, which describes itself as:
What amazing work they do. Please consider donating to Heartfelt or to the Stillbirth Foundation. They need all of our support to continue the incredible job of giving comfort and support to those going through tremendous pain.
Top Comments
I read your story in the Sunday Telegraph and I cant tell you how timely it was I believed I was going crazy. My husband has just left me he cant cope anymore with my behaviour/emotional outbursts... here's my story from 8 years ago.
Today I have finally realised that I have an illness – I don't consider it life threatening (well not yet), but it could be if I don't ask for help. It took a lot of heartache, many regrets, and lots of physical and emotional damage to make me see. I am one of those people who’s tough on the outside, always does things for others actively involved in the community, perfectionist, very hard on myself to make sure I do everything right – and when thing don't go right the walls come crashing down and my partner shoulders the load. But from the outside I mostly look in control. My family have seen the cracks, my loving partner has definitely seen the cracks and fallen into them and my beautiful little girl – well I’m sad to say this is the only mummy she knows, so its kind of normal to her.
So how did I get to tell my story today? I finally pushed my partner too far – he knew the way I behaved wasn't normal or conducive of a happy home. Don't get me wrong we have had heaps of happy times but when it was bad it was bad and in the end he just couldn't communicate with me – he tried to tell me but I just didn't get it as I didn't know why I was acting the way I was and blamed him. So as they say you have to hit rock bottom before you can see things clearly. I hit the rocks last Tuesday and decided I cant be like this anymore there is something wrong with me I always have this overwhelming feeling of stress, anxiety and cant relax (these are just the surface symptoms).
September 28th 2004
This is the day my life changed. And when I mean changed my heart broke I felt an uncontrollable sense of loss and guilt. My anxiety and stress escalated to a point that I couldn’t manage anymore (I had no idea what was happening) so instead of acknowledging it I hid it.
I was 20+ weeks pregnant and not feeling well I went to the doctors he did a few tests and sent me home. I went to my parent’s house as my partner was at work. An hour later I delivered our stillborn baby boy in the toilet. I will never forget looking down and seeing his perfect little hand sticking up – that is the only memory I have of him. I was in complete shock in fact denial. I refused to see the baby in the hospital – my partner and our families did. I think at the time if I did it would all been too real. They took pictures and handprints and gave us his little tags etc. I have never looked at them. A number of times I have gone to the draw when I’m on my own but can’t do it. I hold it all in I wish I could ask my partner to look at them with me but I just cant ask him that would mean I would have to show emotion and acknowledge what had happened. So I have just shut it away for the past 8 years. His name is Byron.
September 31st 2004
I became extremely ill. It was kind of surreal in my head I was ready (or wasn't worried) to die which sounds weird but I think because I had just seen the death of my baby boy. I ended up contracting a hospital superbug one they had never seen before my body was starting to shut down. With a team of top Doctors and after 2 weeks in hospital I let me home with a central line and daily nursing – it took me 3 months to get back to ‘normal’ physical activity and work. I was extremely lucky girl as the professional kept telling me - the only thing that saved me was that I was fit and healthy. I hated being sick – it changed who I was I had to worry all the time about infection and I wasn't fun anymore. But there was more to come.
I was offered counseling by the hospital and they day I turned up this manic looking women (the counselor) came up and said she had other stuff going on could I come back another day – I didn't.
February 2005
Our little monkey girl Georgia was conceived. All I wanted was another baby to make up for the one I lost but also to love. I was completely terrified about having a baby because as I knew things can go wrong. The best fetal medicine specialists in Australia monitored us. But things did go wrong again at 18 weeks I started to lose Georgia. They sent me home on bed rest to see if the situation would rectify itself. I had surgery to prolong Georgia’s gestation. Quiet risky surgery but 2 of us came out in one body – she was alive and in my tummy. You can only image the stress and anxiety I was feeling. I had a job to do and the job was to lay completely flat until this baby was ready to survive in this world. So I layed flat on my back for 3 and a half months in a hospital room. My pregnancy was very clinical and monitored. I was diagnosed with reactive depression, which they said is normal for someone who was at work one day and here the next flat on their back. Ok so all this was normal. I can do it is all I said to myself. I took great joy every morning peeving off the Cleaner who could speak very little English. She just kept calling me dirty girl. I’m like lady I can’t move!!!!! I told my friends not to come anymore unless that had stuff to say to me – I got sick of people just staring at me. And then there was my partner he wore the brunt of it all. He would come at night and I could vent to and at him. Instead of sharing dreams we started sharing suffering. He would go and buy Georgia stuff and I was too scared to like it, as I didn't know if she would make it – really stressful stuff.
September 9th 2005
Finally the day came. 32 weeks pregnant and our little girl was born weighing a tiny 1500g but relatively healthy she was a little fighter. I felt love and joy but mostly I felt guilty - finely get out of this bed and have a proper shower. Georgia was in the NCIU and SCN for almost 7 weeks those weeks are just a blur I had huge anxiety leaving her so when I went home my partner would do the late shift then go to work the next morning it was just crazy. We did what we needed to do but I wish someone had set us straight. It was really unhealthy and was the start of our scheduled routine relationship. I had already closed the doors to affection because I thought everything and everyone would die or leave me. So no cuddles for my partner or Georgia or anyone. I cared and would do anything for them but didn't let them too close for the fear I would lose them.
And now I have lost them - I am on the road to changing my life it has only been two weeks but I feel more in touch with my emotions than ever. When I read the article in the Telegraph I just thought I hope if anyone goes thru either of my experiences with the still born or prem baby they get the support from the professionals before its too late.
I don't know how you survived all of that Jo.
There is never a 'too late' to hug your daughter.
Your story about baby Leo in to days Sunday Telegraph bought back many memories. I too have been through the loss of my first child, a daughter, due to Vasa praevia. My story unfolded 34 years ago almost the same as your story about baby Leo and his parents. Until now, I had not heard of another case the same or similar. My baby, Donna, also was delivered by c-section after my water was broken by my doctor to speed things up a bit. I was already 8 days over due and had had a small bleed which took me to hospital. My specialist was preparing for another emergency c-section when I arrived and he popped in to see me. With monitors around my belly for monitoring baby he proceeded to rupture the membrane. A huge loss of blood and a drop in foetal vital signs prompted a prep for surgery to be done after the emergency he was originally there for. The end of the story is the same as for baby Leo. No one could fore see the Vasa praevia which resulted in the death of my daughter two short days after her birth. Time does heal the horrific pain of such a loss but 34 years later still seems like it was only yesterday. I still remember her birthday as a special day and although, thankfully, the pain has dulled somewhat, it is a day I will always remember. My hopes are that baby Leo's parents will go on to have more beautiful babies into the future as I have done. None of them ever replace the one you lost but you will treasure every one of them. Life does go on and in time the darkness does lift.