Every second Saturday Chloe hides. She knows what is coming and she doesn’t like it. She hides and she cries. Small tears of resignation, of defeat. She knows what’s coming, she accepts it.
Her older brother Ben holds her hand and they say goodbye to their mum for 24 whole hours when they go to sleep in another house. A house that they are also meant to think of as their own.
After a few hours away Chloe smiles again and is happy. She’s loved and embraced and fussed over. She forgets she was anxious and frightened only that very morning. She plays with new toys and visits new parks and enjoys special treats.
It’s only 24 hours and when it’s over she returns to her ‘other’ home tired but happy.
But once she is home she begins to worry because she knows it is going to happen again. She knows she liked being there, but the thought of doing it again makes her fretful and stressed.
Chloe and Ben’s situation isn’t unique. Their parents separated over a year ago and every second weekend they spend 24 hours with their Dad.
In 2012 alone over 40,000 Australian children were affected by divorce. It’s an issue which raises shackles on all sides of the debate. Many of you are already feeling defensive reading this.
Many of you are cross, poised to write angry responses. Ready to condemn us with accusations of bias. The fact is, it’s a delicate subject to approach.
But the facts are also that Chloe and Ben’s story is real, their feelings are real. Their situation is real.
It seems necessary to put in several disclaimers. Yes, Chloe and Ben love their Dad. Yes, Chloe and Ben’s Dad should be part of their lives. But should Chloe and Ben’s lives be disrupted in this manner?
Should they have to stay overnight with him when it clearly makes Chloe anxious? Is it just about satisfying the needs of her Dad rather than her?
It’s a debate yet to be answered by experts around the world.
No one disputes that the overwhelming issue is doing what’s right for the child. But it seems even deciding what’s right is bogged down in controversy.
A UK parenting expert has entered the fray with the claim that pre-school children of separated parents should not spend nights with their fathers. Her claims – that even one night away from their mothers could cause toddlers lasting damage – has angered fathers’ groups.
Psychologist Penelope Leach whose previous parenting books have sold in the millions argues in her new book Family Breakdown that the rights of a child must always outweigh those of the parents. She says that we can make the divorce process better for children.
Before you agree or disagree here’s what she says:
“When people say that it’s ‘only fair’ for a father and mother to share their five-year-old daughter on alternate weeks, they mean it is fair to the adults – who see her as a possession and her presence as their right – not that it is fair to the child.”
She says there is ‘undisputed’ evidence that separating children from their mothers ‘reduces brain development’ and creates a tendency toward ‘unhealthy attachment issues’.
Fathers’ rights groups have reacted savagely to Leach’s book saying it is “absolute poison”.
Ian Maxwell of the charity Families Need Fathers told The Independent, “The bond between fathers and children is just as important.”
The thing with debates like this is that no matter where you turn, you can find evidence to the contrary.
Only a few months ago a paper by Professor Richard Warshak was published which showed that it is fine for toddlers to spend “some” overnight time with their fathers if the child is “comfortable” in their care.
Whether or not you agree or disagree with Penelope Leach there IS one part of her philosophy that no one could dispute does speak the truth – that in family breakdowns the overwhelming priority should be given to the needs of the children. Not the parents.
What do you think? Is it always in the child’s best interest to spend time with both parents?
Top Comments
Given that 1 in 3 women are domestically violated and not as an isolated incident rather then these 'reports' actually reported...
Minister for Family and Community Services, Gabrielle Upton, said on average
there were nearly 15,500 proven charges of domestic violence in NSW each year.
- https://www.nsw.liberal.org...
That the glass ceiling still unaccessable to most all women and the argument
for Gender Quotas still relevant in Australia... perhaps EVIDENCES as a first world
country that Australia still cannot deal with either DV or Gender Quotas from
the top down and men sitting in the top paid hours and jobs would effectively
mean women are still completing the majority of the UNPAID and personal
sacrifice of the 20-30 years to raising children...
The Family Court fails to refer for investigation and prosecution of those many
appearing for the first time since escaping DV - and as prisoners - of the perp
who gets access contact and/or custody because he ensures victims are
imprisoned UNTIL the bruises fade... unlike the life-long legacy of invisible
trauma now compounded at least for the victims.
And YES some men are victims of domestic violence BUT the clear difference is that
women and children assaulted are not educated of the consequences like – invisible
symptoms – being in fear of men and until educated thru therapy or education in
this that is more common to being suffered by women and their children UNLIKE
that of men who claim staying for their children but not the wife when finally
leaving is not in fear of women…
If only all of our best scientists and the religious 'Experienced' men of faith can work on and discover the answer to the ONE question that has always haunted mankind instead of seeking credit and fame for something that they are getting paid to spruik!
If only we could make extinct the single act of RAPE!! Then we would automatically also be making extinct all acts of paedophilia too!
And how would that make you feel? Or better still how would that make all victims feel? Including all of the ones that haven't yet found the strength to dob on someone who has committed an act of sexual assault or rape!!
And is that the main reason why victims sometimes take 20 - 30 years before they do or of those having passed and never able to DOB on their predator?
As a human being, could you lie to protect women and children from domestic violence and sleep at night? Or are you not that kind of person? Are you a man that does nothing because you don’t see any or are you one of those men who always say that it’s someone else? What do you do for them?
Do you believe that all women and children lie just to get away from a DV man?
And why wouldn’t they just walk away if they were REALLY free to make that
choice?
Or doesn’t it matter just because it’s not YOU?
What as this got to do with the article?
My boyfriend has 40% custody of his kids and they dread going to their moms house. They hate having to make that change. And she is so manipulative. She tells the kids it's important that she keep seeing them because "mommy's love their kids more than daddy's". I don't think its fair to single out dads and make it seem like they exclusively are the problem. There are a lot of awful mothers out there.