The trope of 'persistent romantic men' in your fave romcom is actually problematic.

When I was young, I often fantasised about having a secret admirer. As Valentine’s Day approached, I’d imagine getting called to my secondary school office, as many girls did back then, to receive gifts left by their boyfriends. 

There’d be an enormous bunch of roses waiting for me too, only in my imaginings, the card would be from an anonymous sender, a secret admirer, watching from afar. These days, the thought makes me shudder.

As I aged, my fantasies evolved. Like many young adults, it was the dedicated pursuer I craved – the man who would do anything to be with me; the friend or colleague who was quietly in love, but too afraid to say anything. ‘He’s obsessed with you!’ In those days, a comment like this would bring a coy smile to my face.

These days, I know better. My life has taught me that obsession is not akin to love. It’s not even close. It’s easy to confuse obsession with love, though, and dismiss anything else as not enough. As a society, we’re taught to crave obsessive love, to expect it. To demand it. 

But it can be a fine line between romantic pursuit and unhealthy obsession.

The reasons behind our collective desire for obsession are as simple as they are complex, and start with our primal need for attachment, says relationship counsellor Susan De Campo. In simple terms, we all want to love and be loved. Within the contexts of both relationship counselling and family law work, De Campo has seen it all. She’s worked extensively with people who have been stalked, coercively controlled, physically, emotionally and sexually abused, as well as people who have perpetrated violence against others.

Through it all, obsession is a recurring theme. De Campo is clear in her message that obsession is dangerous. But, she says, Western culture teaches us that it’s desirable. "The idea that someone could be so smitten with us that they find us totally consuming is a fantasy that is easily perpetuated in movies and books – and that completely belies the reality of life," says De Campo.

Who could forget Rose and Jack’s first encounter in the iconic film Titanic? Sparks fly as they clash, with Rose, played by Kate Winslet, displaying a prickly exterior. Jack, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, doesn’t give up, though (nor does Rose really want him to), resulting in an epic love story. There’s Something About Mary goes as far as having its protagonist, played by Ben Stiller, engage in actual stalking behaviour, even hiring a private detective. He too, gets the girl.

Why? Why do these stories and characters draw us in, both men and women alike, time and time again? I ask Dr Victoria Kannen, a gender studies expert from the University of Toronto. Perhaps we’re drawn to these characters, she says, because the men depicted are the extreme antithesis of what we perceive real-world men to be – passionate, emotional, romantic.

"The role of 'romantic men as persistent' is a very common trope in film because, in real life, hegemonic masculinity teaches men to be aloof with their emotions," she explains.

"In film, the version of a man that straight women often want to fantasise about are men who express their emotions, are driven by passion, and can clearly articulate their desires. In film, it is the persistent man who tends to embody these qualities, while in real life, very emotive men can be hard to find."

There are countless films – old and new – where the concept of the persistent male pursuer is presented as irresistible, the ultimate romantic gesture. The Notebook, Gone With the Wind, The Piano, teen flick The Princess Switch. Even otherworldly films, such as Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Beauty and the Beast, romanticise obsession.

"Twilight is a perfect example of a film where a man stalks a woman, but it is presented as a heroic man in love who is taking care of the woman he loves," says Kannen. "In reality, this is a story of a man, who is very old, watching his teenage obsession sleep while unbeknownst to her. She is surprised, but okay with this behaviour because it is presented as being carried out due to love and desire. This is just one example of where this happens in their relationship, but it is a terrifying one that is glorified as the example of unproblematised possessive male love."

As De Campo says, "How obsession is portrayed makes us want it." We want to be pursued, to be fought for. We want someone to prove their love to us, to show us how much we’re worth.

Until we don’t.

Dr Angela Jay, a victim-survivor herself, has experienced this firsthand. "There is a very fine line between what we consider to be romance, and what we consider to be coercive control," she says. "The culture we live in dismisses a lot of these behaviours as [coming from] someone who’s passionate and enamoured. That if you are blaming someone else for your distress or threatening to kill yourself, then it’s kind of an expression of passion more so than manipulation and coercive control. I think more and more we are starting to recognise that behaviour for what it is, and that is emotional and psychological abuse."

"Love makes us do crazy things." These were the words used by Hollywood actor Will Smith to justify walking onto the stage at the 2022 Academy Awards and slapping the event host, comedian Chris Rock. This spontaneous act of aggression came after Rock made a distasteful joke at the expense of Jada Pinkett Smith, Will Smith’s wife. Smith casually sat back down, shouted at Rock from his chair and continued to enjoy the event. Later in the night, Smith received an Oscar. During his emotional acceptance speech, he attempted to explain away his outburst. "Love makes us do crazy things."

It’s a simple sentence, but a symbolic one. These six words represent all that is wrong with society’s tolerance of crimes committed in the name of love. With one woman murdered every week in Australia by a current or former partner, we continue to read media headlines about domestic violence that support this narrative.

But love doesn’t make us do crazy things. And it certainly isn’t dangerous. Confusing obsession with love is dangerous, though. In fact, it’s at the very heart of both domestic violence and many stalking cases. It’s what leads to entitlement. Unfulfilled entitlement leads to rage. It’s rage that makes people do crazy things. It’s rage that’s dangerous. Not love.

This is an edited extract from Obsession by Nicole Madigan, out now with Pantera Press.

Images: Supplied by Pantera Press.