'I broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years. Then I started stalking her.'

Content warning: This post includes descriptions of stalking that may be distressing to some readers.

Tom* never thought he was the type of person to become obsessed with someone, let alone act on it. And yet that's exactly what happened. After Tom broke up with his partner of seven years, his heartbreak morphed into an all-consuming obsession that would last years.

"The first close to two years were amazing," Tom says of the early stages of his relationship with Kayla*. 

They were childhood sweethearts, first meeting as giddy teens in high school, and reuniting as a couple of years later. When Tom describes those early years, it's clear he hasn't forgotten the intensity of his feelings for Kayla. 

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"We were inseparable. Everything really felt like this was meant to be and all those good early signs were there," he says. "I was totally in love and loved her to death."

Despite his feelings, Tom was young, and sometimes longed for the single life. One day, he told Kayla how he felt, and while they didn't break up, his admission seemed to change the way she felt about him.

"Nothing was really the same after that," he says. "[But] we were very dependent on one another and so no matter how many fights we would get in, neither one of us would end the relationship."

Tom and Kayla stayed together for seven turbulent years, through fighting, cheating and general dysfunction, but after discovering she'd had a long-term affair, Tom asked her to move out. He took the breakup well at first. After all, it was his decision to end the relationship. But as the months wore on, he found Kayla was increasingly on his mind, occupying both time and space. Soon, he could barely think about anything else.

"That's when I started contacting her to see if maybe I could mend things once again," Tom says. 

At first, Kayla responded to his messages, but after a while she blocked Tom's number. Then she blocked his Facebook account, then Instagram. Instead of taking the hint, Tom started contacting her by email.

"I can remember spending days just waiting for her to respond to an email and writing these long-winded messages about how much I still loved her, what could be in our future."

Despite blocking him on social media, Kayla did reply to the occasional email. A couple of times, she even agreed to meet with him, unknowingly feeding his growing obsession. That’s the thing about obsession — it's not always obvious at first. At first, those on the other side don't know that they're inadvertently adding fuel to the fire.

"Social media was tough," Tom says. "I still remember the first day she posted about being with the new guy publicly, only a month after the breakup, and it was devastating for me. I've never felt my heart sink quite like that."

Tom became obsessed with viewing her accounts. Desperate to see Kayla's other social media, the ones she'd blocked him on, he tried to hack into her accounts. Other times he'd use friends' accounts to access the pages. Tom's obsession was taking over almost every aspect of his life. He even began dating women who looked like Kayla. "Even someone with the same name was enough for me at times," he confesses.

This behaviour continued for years, varying in intensity, often triggered by periods of loneliness. "Whenever my phone would be silent or when lying in bed at night, I always had the urges to send an email then."

Tom's friends and family eventually became aware of his enduring obsession and tried to distract him. But whenever he was alone, those urges would creep back in, crawling up his skin; a burning itch he had to scratch. 

"I knew what I was doing was obsessive, but I just couldn’t fight the urges to do outreach. I felt like I was stuck in this mental prison because so many memories were with her."

One night, Tom heard through the grapevine that Kayla and her new boyfriend were going to a concert. After a bit of digging around, Tom tracked down the man’s address, drove to his home and waited for the pair to return.

"When they pulled up, I drove up to them," he says. "I was shouting, screaming that she was still my girlfriend. If that isn't sheer obsession defined, I don't know what is."

For a long time, Tom couldn't sustain a relationship for more than a few months. "My ex was always on my mind," he says. But he knew he had to do something, anything, before things got any more out of hand. "The goal of each day was to find ways to distract myself from it, but I was always focused on how I could win her back. It was never going to happen, but I just tried and tried as best I could."

Tom's obsession lasted five long years, until he finally sought help from a therapist. "Talking to someone once a week was amazing, I finally had a person to just listen and not judge."

Tom is sharing his story because he wants others to know that obsession can happen to anyone. "It can derail your life," he says. "But you can escape it and you can overcome it."

Dangerous obsession.

Defined as "an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something", infatuation is common, and for the most part, it's a harmless, even exciting, aspect of a new romance, regardless of your age. Left untethered, though, infatuation can intensify into an all-consuming obsession. When feelings aren't reciprocated, the cracks begin to show.

At one time or another, most of us will love someone or something so intensely that it threatens to consume us. But how much is too much? When does passion transcend into obsession? And how does intense love differ from obsession?

Relationship counsellor, Susan De Campo explains it this way. "Obsessions invariably form when an individual is not able to fulfil an attachment need in a healthy, functional manner."

In Tom's case, his obsession turned into actual stalking, an illegal practice that affects around one in five Australian women and one in 13 men. Although the definition varies from state to state, essentially stalking involves repeated, unwanted contact — either in person or via technology or other means — that is likely to cause fear in the target. 

While anyone can develop an obsession, De Campo believes some people may be more prone to it, such as those who have experienced an insecure attachment in childhood or have a history of trauma. People who rely on external sources of reward to feel loved and validated may also have obsessive tendencies, as may those who don’t have a clear understanding and/or acceptance of boundaries.

"There is a very fine line between what we consider to be romance, and what we consider to be coercive control," she says. 

"The culture we live in dismisses a lot of these behaviours as [coming from] someone who's passionate and enamoured. That if you are blaming someone else for your distress or threatening to kill yourself, then it's kind of an expression of passion more so than manipulation and coercive control. 

"I think more and more we are starting to recognise that behaviour for what it is, and that is emotional and psychological abuse."

This is an edited extract from Obsession: a journalist and victim-survivor's investigation into stalking by Nicole Madigan, out now with Pantera Press.

*names have been changed to protect privacy.

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. 

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a Queensland-based organisation that helps women and families move on after the devastation of domestic violence. If you would like to support their mission to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most, you can donate here.

Feature Image: Getty.