The sperm test, the man, the worry

My brain consciously thought – pregnancy will take MONTHS – and though I was unprepared to fully embrace the reality of pregnancy, cautiously, I could see the upside to this. I’d always wanted to be a dad – and why not?

And yet, the change in mindset was more powerful than I realised. It felt weird shooting live ammunition at a welcoming target.

At first, I was worried that my super sperm, presumably chiselled in my own self image would take no prisoners and I’d be holding my baby in my arms the very next day. As stupid as it was frightening. But as months turned into next month and then far too many months, where the sex became robotic, scientific and totally unfun, periods became a feared and upsetting failure.

Quicker than I could say cervical mucus, the inevitable question rolled into my head… is it me?

It may be that your man is embarrassed, worried or just nervous about having his sperm tested. The actual test itself is a doddle: one simply masturbates into a sterile cup. It can be done at home or at a hospital with an andrology lab, and yes, it is true—they do provide free pornography.

Along with millions of men worldwide, I have done the test several times, and for me doing the test in a hospital was definitely one of the most surreal experiences of all time. I showed up for my appointment, was led to a room (that locks from the inside, which is a very good idea, as they say that the organ that works the hardest while masturbating is your ears). I was then shown where the ‘reading material’ was and told to try not to spill any, or use lubricants or saliva while milking the snake of its venom.

As a fan of late 1970s styles, the reading materials were excellent.

No articles.

Matching the 1970s feel was the unavoidable idea that I was replacing Chevy Chase starring in an unreleased sequel to Fletch. Once the feeling of awkwardness had passed, I quickly contemplated my situation. This was a fully sanctioned wank. Not just by my wife, but surreptitiously by my family, my friends, even the federal and state governments of Australia. This was to be no ordinary wank. If there was a baby rattling around somewhere in my plums, by gum, I would flush the little fella out. I was not doing this act of self-gratification for myself. This was for the country. This was for the Wallabies. I could practically hear John Eales urging me on.

Locking the door, with Waltzing Matilda ringing loudly in my ears, I leafed nonchalantly through some softcore 1970s (or very cheap 1990s) porn, and put in a seriously entertaining performance. I was tender. I was loving. I was finished.

Handing the specimen jar back to the lab technician, the attendant treated it like a wine connoisseur would a glass of Penfolds Grange Hermitage. Honestly, she held it up to the light, gave the jar a swill and made a little comment under her breath. I’m sure it was complimentary . . .

So the initial test simply isn’t that bad, but some men do report that it can feel a little degrading. It’s all in the mind. I say go for it. The tough bit is next.

The results.

It was a very serious dent to my sense of masculinity when I was told that I had problems with my sperm. Many infertility issues can be treated, but there isn’t much that can be done for those of us with low sperm counts, poor mobility (how well they can swim) or poor morphology (the shape of the sperm). Every man and his dog told me that it wasn’t my fault, that it happens to everyone, and that it would work out in the end. Not one of them stopped me from feeling like a failure, though. Yes, there are sperm washes, artificial insemination and IVF, all of which can help you still get pregnant, but that doesn’t cancel the idea that your sperm are hopeless duds, a dying race or just too plain ugly to get a run with Charles Darwin’s theories. The medical processes certainly don’t stop you feeling that you and your boys are just not quite up to scratch.

Have you or your partner experienced the worry of a sperm test? How did you deal with the results?

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