'Smoothies are not food, and putting them in a bowl doesn't change that.'

Smoothies in a bowl really represent everything I hate about society.

The health fad (aka “wellness movement”) has actually gone so far as to turn food into liquid and call it a meal.

Look, I’m down with a juice fast. Well, actually, the only people I know who have done them and enjoyed them are people I can’t hold a conversation with, so that was a lie.

But I do appreciate the need for some break time on the digestive tract. Mostly for just like, a couple of hours, but whatever. But juice is generally good, its yum and its full of vitamins. Drink juice. Just don’t drink it instead of a meal.

The only time I would ever have a smoothie instead of a meal is “on the run.” You try running with a bowl of brightly coloured mush on the way to work, see how that ends up.

It's still just a smoothie. And it probably has some oats in it (wait, are we allowed to eat oats anymore? It's a grain, maybe its quinoa oats?) But adding a banana and some chia into a pile of liquid doesn’t make it breakfast, it makes it baby food. It’s pretty much what my best friend feeds her one year old.

Since when did a “balanced” and “healthy” meal only come in the colours blue and/or green? Those colours for me = mould. I once looked after this little kid who ate a cupcake with blue icing and had bright blue poo for days. I can’t eat blue now.

All the smoothie bowls are blue or green. Blue for blueberries and green for kale. Then they make them even more appetising by usually putting some kind of ejaculate looking topping on it. Probably nut butter, pardon the pun.

Or if you’re somewhere fancy, coconut yogurt. And if it couldn't be more gross, add a shot of spirulina to it.

This week on our podcast about family life, we find out what to do when your teen is the only vego at the dinner table. 

I’m sorry hipster wellness addicts but balanced health is not a pretty coloured drink that makes a good Instagram post. A smoothie bowl wont make you look like the 18 year old long-limbed model with radiant face and perpetual smile who is holding said smoothie bowl.

And if eating that sh*t DID make me look like that I’d still rather eat and look like a donut.

There’s another really weird niggling feeling that seeing a smoothie bowl on Instagram gives me. It’s an uneasy queasy mushy feeling in my stomach and it's not because that’s how I’d feel if I ate it. Sorry, drank, it.

It’s that “health” has gone so far, that diet fads have gone so far, that pictures depicting a healthy lifestyle on social media have gone so far, as to suggest that women have to drink their meals now.

Okay okay, I’m taking it too far maybe. Being too dramatic. But as if there aren't enough food rules already. Don't eat grain. Meat is evil. Paleo is good. Wheat is the devil. Sugar will make your skin bad.

And what the hell is this new thing going around called Keto?! Don’t look it up - even looking it up will cause your arteries to clog. If I were following all of these food rules, CHEWING IS ALL I’D HAVE LEFT.

So in order to stay cancer free, keep my hormones regulated, stay slim, fit, healthy, “balanced” and “bikini ready” (*massive eye roll*), I can’t eat my meals anymore. I have to have them frozen, blended and covered in a crushed $20 packet of activated pumpkin seeds.

I don’t even understand the POINT of putting this blue green algae banana buckwheat combo in a bowl. I can't speak for anyone's digestive intelligence but my stomach is not stupid.

It is not going to see a drink in a bowl and think yep that's a meal and upon finishing it be satisfied. It’s going to drink it and then want eggs and toast.