Recently I discovered yet another term to describe the modern day single, a new term for a person who comes from the same realm as the F*ckboy. Introducing, The Honest Arsehole, a combination of everything you want, but who always makes it clear that you’re not what he or she wants… long term anyway. Now I personally don’t like to label anyone, I hate to create an us verse them mentality in a world where dating is already hard enough as it is.
But after complaining to a friend about a guy I had just met who one date in had already told me he wasn’t after a relationship, she explained to me this new ‘breed’ of single person. The Honest Arsehole, the perfect and oh so dangerous combination of charming, flirty and available (not emotionally though) with a double shot of honesty. The type of person, who will wow you yet not with the intention of winning you over.
Now let me set the scene a little here… This guy, the so-called Honest Arsehole, was a total gentleman in every sense of the word. He opened car doors for me. Sheltered me from the rain with his gloriously buff arms, meanwhile getting completely drenched. The type of guy who will kiss you on the forehead and cuddle you in the morning and then drop the line, ‘I’m not really after a girlfriend’. Yeah, you know the type.
Now unfortunately it’s not my first encounter with an Honest A. I myself, have dated many like this, one for four months, another for six months, another for two months, and every time it’s the same. I know, I’m an idiot! They’ll set it up within the first few weeks, making it apparent that they aren’t after anything serious. Meanwhile showering you with compliments, hanging out with you multiple times a week and texting all-the-time. It’s more than a booty call, you do things outside of the sheets and in the daylight. So, for the hopeful person wanting this to go somewhere, you ignore what he says about not wanting anything because his actions say otherwise. And here lies the difficulty with the Honest Arsehole.
When you tell your friends, you’ve been dating a guy for a month and you see him three times a week, but he doesn’t want anything, they tell you he’s a jerk. They ask all the typical questions like, why does he act like a boyfriend, take all the benefits of a relationship, but refuse to commit? Dump him, they say…
LISTEN: How to stop dating a type. (Post continues below…)
But then in his defence you find yourself saying, he’s always been honest about it, I knew what I was getting into. So that openness from the get-go makes him a nice guy right? And plus, he must be slightly confused because he acts like a boyfriend. Throw in those charming charismatic lines like ‘but I’m only talking to you’ that keep you hanging around. Hook, line and sinker… who knows, maybe he’ll change his mind.
But being the investigative writer that I am (note sarcasm) I thought I should seek to understand the psyche of the Honest Arsehole a little more. So I consulted with a close guy friend, who is a serial honest dater, if you will. Now it just so happens that this friend and I used to date about four years ago. I stuck around for four months, despite being told a week into it, that he “wasn’t looking for anything serious”. But in my defence I met his family, spent Christmas Eve together and went to his sports games…. So you can see why I was a little hopeful, yeah? And yep, four years later he’s still an Honest A. When I text to ask why guys seem to take this approach to dating he took ages to write back and I thought perhaps I had offended him (granted I am essentially referring to him as an arsehole). But then about an hour later an email popped up from him with an essay-length answer and his rationale was this…
“Perspective and expectation play the largest role in creating strong relationships and the reason that most do not work out. But what if you already know that you don't want a relationship? Whether it be for personal reason such as self-growth, the want and sometimes need to have one’s own space, or simply because you are emotionally unavailable? Does that mean you should take yourself out of the dating realm all together and live a life of solitude, avoid all intimacies with a woman in fear of not meeting their wants or expectations?
"I've always kept it crystal clear, if I've met a girl that I'm aware I won't develop feelings for, before I even cross the bridge of intimacy... I'll tell them, to their face, as bluntly as possible, that I DO NOT wish to date them, I don't have any plans of becoming their boyfriend and there's nothing that will change that. I try my best to set the expectations, so no one gets hurt. Of the girls I have seen, most of them I am still friends with today because I set such precedents. But almost all of them have gotten to a point where they believed they were able to change my mind. This I've been told in the past is due to my behaviour during the time we were intimate. The 'boyfriendy' vibe.
To me it's their own downfall, I've seen it again and again. At first they're 'totally cool' with just having a casual fling, they don't want a boyfriend. A month in they come to some realisation that they have in fact developed feelings and want a boyfriend and want that boyfriend to be you. Usually they don't say it straight away but there are signs. So you make the call, you cut it off because the energy between you has changed due to the lack of your own reciprocation. Then they blow up, it's a huge firework show and you get thrown under the bus as the bad guy, they tell all their mates that you're an arsehole. Even though you'd been straight up throughout the entirety of your time with that person, simply because they weren't able to confront themselves let alone you about how they felt."
It’s like by saying straight up that they don’t want anything - they are putting up a disclaimer they’re unavailable and you can continue at your own risk. Yet despite knowing this, we turn a blind eye and hope for the best. I know because I’ve done it, countless times. Which begs the question, is being honest enough? Does putting that honesty out there leave them exempt from any ramifications, or feelings developed from there on in? "I told her, but she kept going, it’s her own fault," he says. Meanwhile he cooks her dinner and introduces her to his friends.
I flagged with him, that while it’s true the people who choose to continue seeing an Honest A are perhaps not taking ownership of their feelings, maybe he needs to take ownership of his actions too. When I asked him whether it could in fact be a case of actions speak louder than words and that perhaps he does not accept that what he says and does could say two different things, he replied "that’s a girl’s logic". And yes, perhaps it is.
But do the lines not get a little blurry after seeing someone for a couple of months, a few times a week? Or is that just me? I guess I am from the school of thought that it takes two to tango, and while one may not be being true to their emotions the other is not being true to their word – having his cake and eating it too if you will.
I finished this conversation by asking if there is any hope for someone who meets an Honest A to end up together, to which he simply replied... “Nope."
So, I’ve realised this, when you meet an Honest A you need to take ownership of your feelings. You have two choices, you either accept that it’s just a bit of fun and be okay with that - if that is what you want then go for it! Or you say, fair enough but I’m looking for a little more than that and go your separate ways. Don’t waste your valuable time trying to change their mind, you are better than that. (May or may not be saying that to myself too).
And to the Honest A, rein it in a little buddy, quit blurring the lines and take ownership of your actions too.
Georgia is one half of The Lonely Hearts Club, an events company for single chicks, that are all about finding mates not dates! That said, she knows a thing or two about dating, or not dating... Because let's face it, it's a jungle out there. With six years experience in single town she is well versed in the wins and woes of the dating game. From dating a guy that stole cash from right under her, to seeing guys that led a double life, she often (ALWAYS) falls victim to the “emotionally unavailable man”. Safe to say she's a vortex for disaster when it comes to L-O-V-E, but hey it's a work in progress.
Can relate? To keep up to date with the latest events for single chicks head to, www.thelonelyheartsclub.com.au or follow us on Instagram.
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