When she is not patting random dogs, Emma is putting down her ramblings for www.tinylovebug.com
Once you’re happily coupled up, or have succumbed to matrimony, it’s important to keep some single friends around to remind you of how good you’ve got it. It’s also important to constantly remind them that however they’re living their life; they’re doing single life wrong. If you’re not sure how to do this, I’m here to help get you started.
Force them onto dating apps
Harass all your single friends into joining as many dating apps as will fit on their phone. This is the most fun way to live vicariously through them. Then when they start hooking up with guys they meet online, start judging them for dating around and being picky, and remind them of the over-romanticised way you met your husband.
Tell them they should be out partying all the time
Make sure you ask them what they did on the weekend, and tut-tut when they reply that they have had a relaxing time alphabetising their Buffy the Vampire Slayer back catalogue. Remind them that they’re single, and as such every weekend should be treated as a 48 hour bender, before they are tied down with projectile vomiting spawn and a disinterested husband who would rather be playing golf then lifting a finger around the house.
When you do plan a girls night out together, make sure you spend at least three weeks over planning it (heck, it will probably take that long to find a babysitter), constantly use the phrases ‘girls night’ and ‘girl squad’ in the group chat. On the night itself, insist on consuming a bottle of champers before you leave the house, then shots once you’re at the bar, and make sure you end the night drunkenly attempting to twerk, before vomiting in the Uber on the way home. That’s showing your single friends how it’s done!
Listen: How Poh met her husband. Post continues after audio.
Constantly remind them that ‘the clock is ticking’
The endless, subtle hints of imminent infertility are the bane of single women everywhere. It’s kind of like warning them – have fun dating around, because it will all end in tears when you have too much fun being single and forget to produce some screaming progeny. Then those that don’t heed your warning will end up soothing their barren womb with seven cats and an addiction to romance novels. But obviously, don’t let them think that their pets are comparable to ‘real’ children. You’ll never know real love until your vagina has been ripped apart. Obvs.
Set them up with literally any single male you know
It’s a widely accepted fact that once a woman is over 25, she is ready to get married, settle down, reproduce and really live the suburban dream. With that in mind, it is up to you to save your friend from the misery of spinsterhood by setting them up with any available single man you know, even if it might mean, ahem, scraping the bottom of the barrel. But your friend isn’t getting any younger so you really are doing her a solid even if Tom is 15 year her senior, balding and spends his spare time playing with train sets in his basement, or Joe is already twice divorced with mounting credit card debt, hey, it’s better than being SINGLE.
Remind them of how much spare TIME they have
Like, as if you didn’t choose to be in a relationship, or are being forced to go to Barry’s D-grade soccer games every weekend, even though he spends half the time on the bench. Act completely astounded when they tell you what they do after work, whether it’s ‘watch the TV’ or ‘go to the gym’ or even ‘go to an art gallery’ (OK, but who really does that?). Wax lyrical about how you used to have so much spare time to waste on yourself, before you got married and had kids and realised how much more rewarding life is running yourself ragged cleaning up after other people who couldn’t be less grateful.
LISTEN: When everyone says “I cant believe youre not taken.” Post continues after audio…
Keep them updated on how #blessed you are
Social media is for one thing, and one thing only and that’s showing how perfect your life is, so other people will feel bad about theirs. Make sure no more than two days goes by without posting a picture of your little angels looking perfect in their matching outfits (right before one took their pants off and started peeing in the street, while the other one was wailing like a banshee), or the flowers your boyfriend brought home (well, you ordered and paid for them and just told him to pick them up, but what’s the diff?), or even a fancy dinner your husband took you out to (never mind it was because you caught him sending flirty texts to his secretary). After you filter the crap out of said picture, don’t forget to add some hashtags; #grateful #blessed #couplegoals #thankful #lovinglife
Constantly refer to them as your single friend
Whenever you introduce your friend to other people, make sure that they know her defining characteristic; ‘This is June, she’s single’. But be sure to say the single part in a hushed tone of voice, the same way you’d say ‘This is June, she has gonorrhoea’. Because being single isn’t just a state of being, it is a shameful one.
Once you have started implementing a few of these strategies (or all of them if you are truly dedicated), then you will be well on your way to irritating your single friends (if you have any friends left by this point). Who knows, they might even settle for a mediocre boyfriend, just to get you to shut your trap, then you’ll have someone to do the things all friends in couples do together; namely reminisce about the single days and how much fun you used to have.
When Emma is not forcing people to look at pictures of her dogs, she is putting down her ramblings for www.tinylovebug.com