Should you end a friendship over one insult?
That’s the question raised by a woman’s story of finding out a good friend of hers had called her “hideous” in an online group conversation.
Sharing her experience on UK parenting forum Mumsnet, the woman said that within a group WhatsApp conversation with six of her closest friends, she found one had written that she “looks a state in her Facebook photos from last night. Why does she feel the need to wear such hideous clothes all the time?”
Ouch.
The poster said this was obviously meant to be a private message, but since it was there for the whole group to see, she decided to confront her friend.
Listen: Friendship breakups are often harder to get over, but why don’t we talk about them as much? (Post continues after audio.)
It’s this friend’s response that has Mumsnet users, urging the woman to break up with her friend immediately.
“I sent her a message saying ‘Thanks for that,’ and she’s just replied saying, ‘My mistake, but don’t start making a song and dance out of it as I was only joking’.”
As fellow Mumsnet users pointed out, saying it was a “mistake” but that she was “only joking” don’t exactly compute.
Quite justifiably, the poster says she and the woman had been friends for “20 years and I thought we would have grown out of being bitchy by now”.
“I feel really crap knowing one of my best friends has been making fun of me.”
The woman’s post prompted forum users to conclude she was not talking about a true friend and that “dropping” her would be her best move.
“If a real friend had said something tactless and accidentally shared it with you this is not what their reaction would be,” one woman said. “Their prime concern would be having hurt your feelings.”
“She is not a friend. You don’t need her in your life.”
But is ending a friendship over one insult really the best option?
Rebecca Sparrow, Mamamia columnist and co-host of wellness podcast The Well said there are simple ways to tell if a friendship has turned “toxic.”
She says it’s important to pay attention to those who don’t clap when you win – a clear indication they don’t want to share your triumphs and are only there to feed off your misery. In other words, the makings of a wholly unhealthy friendship.
Other signs include, Rebecca said, that you don’t like who you are when you’re around them, you feel drained or depressed after spending time with them, that you have to pretend to be someone or something you’re not and that your gut instinct tells you that you can’t trust them.
“If you have a friendship ticking some of these boxes, it might be time to get the hell out,” she said.
Bec suggested that if you are about to end the friendship, you have two options: “Confront the person a la The Bold And The Beautiful” or let the friendship die a slow death due to neglect.
Did you have a similar experience with a so-called friend? How did you handle it? Tell us in the comments below.
Top Comments
The woman who I thought had been my best friend for 6 years had slowly gotten more and more difficult to be around. Demanding, contrary, insulting, controlling, and a financial resource seemed to be our only connection anymore. She came to my home every day for lunch and dinner with very minimal contribution to meals. We lived only 2 houses apart so it was easy for her to come back and forth between our homes. Nothing I said or did was right or acceptable to her anymore. After all those years and daily contact I had never been allowed past the first step up into her home. She has terminal cancer and through various surgical recoveries always stayed at my home along with her cat and any physical therapists were only allowed to meet her at my home and never hers. She had become stranger and stranger over time. At one point I asked her over the phone why I had never been allowed inside her house. Her reply was because she didn't trust me and that I had a big mouth and might tell someone what she has. I was stunned, shocked, terribly hurt. I doubt seriously that she is hiding the Hope Diamond so I don't understand. She thinks I am stupid and nieve and couldn't find my way out of an open paper bag. Wow!! Turns out my so called best friend doesn't even like me. She said she has much better friends that she has known longer and she only wants them to take care of the things in and around her home when she passes. Funny how none of those much better friends even bothered to call her during any of the months on end while she was recovering. I told her I never wanted to speak to her again. I have not seen or spoken to her since then and tomorrow will be exactly one year since that dark day. I was terribly upset and still am but I am also alot happier without her constant criticism. After 7 months of crying over the situation I decided to think of it as the cancer had spread to her brain and she didn't know what she was saying. I fool myself by saying she has died and it help to ease the pain of all her cruelty over the years. Obviously there is alot more to the story but that would take too long.
My thought would be how many other comments have been made that I did not see!
I had a friend (yes I said had) that was the one that if she had a boyfriend, would ignore me, or have me as the third wheel, hated every guy I had ever dated (because they were not attracted to her), and if I was dating and she wasn't, would go out of her way to break us up (and sleeping with one of them is just the tip of the iceberg). I have not spoken to her in about 10 years, not since she invited everyone else in our group to her wedding, but somehow my invite must have got lost in the mail. I think it I was always the 'DUFF' (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) to her anyway.