There is nothing more romantic than the idea of sliding down your partner and licking off chocolate as it slowly oozes down.
And there is nothing more messy, sticky and unappealing than the reality of it in your bed. All over your sheets. Or worse a whole bath full of it.
Our good mates at the Bachelor reminded us last night how terrible some ‘sexy’ ideas can be after Richie plopped himself in a chocolate bath with Alex.
The situation was clearly ridiculous and obviously required a THOROUGH shower afterwards. Humans have lots of crevices.
But these aren’t the only things modern life tells us are sexy that actually aren’t. Try these.
1. Ice cubes
Ooh so sexy, am I right?
Nope. It's uncomfortable. Maybe it's sexy if you're into pain but for the most part you'll be squealing like a chased pig.
2. Lolly G-strings
Tasty? Fun? Sexy?
How about unsanitary, uncomfortable and unflattering.
Let's hope nobody has a long day at the office.
3. Costumes
Lions and tigers and batmans, oh my!
It's an expensive way to remind yourself the sexy nurse on the package never looks like the sexy nurse in the mirror. Mostly just silly.
4. Chocolate Body Paint
We've all done it. Did it ever work out for any of us?
Or did we all just get a mouthful of hair or hurt our jaw after someone was a bit ambitious with the chocolate pouring.
5. Sexy Dance
Has anyone else seen that episode of The L Word where Carmen does a sexy dance for Shane?
Well. I've tried to recreate that and it was like seeing Joan from accounts lose it at the Christmas party. Not sexy.
6. Complicated Lingerie
So, you went out and blew $400 on a corset with more clips than a dog groomer.
You spent 20 minutes in various states of yoga trying to get it on and now your partner is ripping away freely.
"... Why won't it come off?"
"You need to un-clip it -"
"I did!"
"No you nee - don't pull it!"
"I'm not!"
"YOU ARE."
~ romance ~
7. Sex in a Spa
Another common mistake. Ooh. Steamy make-out session leads to steamier bikini removal? Ooh. Are you feeling faint? Wait till you feel faint and uncomfortable.
8. Sex on a Beach
Sand.
That is all.
9. Being Tied Up
"Hey baby, let me make use of those cable ties we had left over from moving."
"Hey... baby... I can't... I can't get it off..."
10. Filming It
Think you can Paris Hilton the shit out of a sex tape?
Think your bedroom eyes and that thing you do with your hair will come across as Spielberg levels of on-screen gold?
THINK AGAIN.
Unless you have a full camera crew, your sex tape is going to make you look like two lumpy magnets with googly eyes.