"I'm married and I haven't had sex in four years. Is this insane?"

It’s the big question from an anonymous listener this week.

I’m in my late thirties, married, with two kids – 12 and 8. My husband and I haven’t had sex in over four years. 

We love each other deeply but we just don’t desire each other in that way. We still share a bed, but that’s as far as it goes.  

He is a devoted father and a lovely partner and we’re both happy, but sometimes…. I can’t believe I’m in a sexless marriage. 

We communicate openly about everything, and I’ve offered him a ‘free pass’ to see a prostitute to have his needs met, should they arise, but he says he’s happy with things the way things are, and I think I am too for now.

Is this insane? Will he or me, end up cheating, and should we fix it? Or is sex overrated anyway and is love enough?

Our agony aunt, Ask Bossy, starts this one with a big…..long…..sigh……

Listen here (post continues after audio)

Here’s the thing.

Bossy says we’re led to believe by Hollywood that sex in relationships is essential, but it doesn’t have to be.

All relationships are different. And some relationships don’t have sexual components, and that’s okay.

The problems arise, she says, if one or both of the partners are unhappy with it.

Mia Freedman calls it the Sex Gap. It exists in every relationship. At one end of the Sex Gap is how much one person wants to have sex. And at the other end, is the other person.  It’s when the gap gets wide and gaping that it can pose a pants problem. But in this case, since both parties are in the same place, it’s okay.

“In this case, both of them are happy not having that sexual dynamic in the relationship.  If you’re both happy in your relationship, be happy. Continue and carry on like that. Just check in every now and then.”

How much sex are people really having? (post continues after video)

Bossy says even if you’re not getting your raunch on, it’s still important to have physical intimacy in a relationship. Hugs, kisses, little pats on the back, a stroke of the arm, all leads to better connection.

Do you have a question for Bossy?

Record your question in your smartphone’s voicememo app, and email it to podcast@mamamia.com.au

Or email us podcast@mamamia.com.au

Mamamia Out Loud is like listening to your friends around the kitchen table. You can listen to the full episode in itunes or here:

What do you think? Can a sexless marriage exist, happily ever after?