PSA: The cost of living is now driving people to DIY their own sex toys.

Times are tough, rents are soaring and a pack of chippies now costs nine bucks at Woolies. And if someone so much as whispers the words …cossie crisis… I may scream. 

So, while we’re dying our own brows and plastering on press-on nails, is it really any surprise that we’re taking more intimate matters into our own hands? Rather literally. 

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Because according to Normal, the sex toy company, people are getting, uh, creative.

From using cucumbers for non-salad purposes to employing electric toothbrushes as makeshift vibrators, those without the dosh to pay for a snazzy — and spenny — new high-powered device are looking for alternatives. 

So, when it comes to making do, what items around the home are a big no-no, and which ones will have you looking at them in a whole new light? 

Fruit and veggies.

You know, there’s a good reason the eggplant emoji is thrown around so often and it’s got nothing to do with the food pyramid. 

Maybe it’s just my mind that’s in the gutter too much, but how can you look at an exceptionally shapely carrot and not just think ...phallus? 

But you better put those ideas on ice because playing with your food has been given the thumbs-down by Normal. 

“There’s a real safety issue with putting any sort of organic matter, like fruits or vegetables, into your body or penetrating them,” the team said. 

“You don’t know what bacteria or pesticide may be on them. It may be something that could cause an infection.”

If you really can’t stop eyeing off that sizable zucchini, please don’t forget to use protection. 

“We recommend covering it with a condom and disposing of it immediately afterwards,” the experts said. “Don’t keep it around for your salad the next day, and certainly don’t leave it for your housemates to consume.”

Image: Giphy.

Wooden spoons and feature dusters.

Don’t want to dish out the cash for that fancy new whip or riding crop but keen to try spanking? Normal suggested heading to the kitchen instead. 

“A wooden spoon or spatula can be a great implement to use,” the sex toy experts said. 

Just make sure you start slow and gentle. And it can’t hurt to have a safe word. 

“Let your partner guide you on when to increase the force and speed,” Normal recommended. 

Feather dusters are also a great item to bring into the bedroom. Just glide them over the skin to tickle and tease!

Pillows.

Sometimes you just need a good ol’ grind and what’s closer to hand than what’s already in your bed. Call it the lazy girl’s masturbation, but it sure does the trick.

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“Some people enjoy putting a pillow between their legs and grinding or humping it to orgasm,” Normal said. “We recommend using a fresh and clean pillowcase each time, and using a pillow that only you use.”

The electric toothbrush.

I get it, just the sound of those vibrations is enough to get your engine racing, but it’s best to limit this device to oral healthcare. 

“The bristles on the toothbrush are perfect for your teeth, but might be too harsh for the delicate skin of the genitals,” Normal explained. “A toothbrush is made to scrub food and plaque off your tough, enamelled teeth — not to stimulate one of the most sensitive parts of your body.”

But hold fire, let’s not cancel the electric toothbrush just yet.

“If you’re really keen to give it a try, we recommend using it over the top of underpants or a thin piece of cloth,” recommended Normal. "And, of course, keep a designated brush solely for masturbation.”

An old Nokia 3310 however, is a different matter entirely. Not since I was making my own ringtones in 2004 has a device ever felt as earth-shattering. (And for the record, Beyoncé’s 'Baby Boy' really does the trick for rhythm.)  

List the hosts of The Quicky discuss the evolution of sex toys. Post continues after podcast. 

That scarf your nan made.

Gentle on the skin and made with love? Sounds perfect for your first step into bondage. 

“Scarves can make excellent blindfolds, and you can also use them to tie your partner’s wrists and ankles to a bedpost if you’re experimenting with BDSM,” Normal said. 

“In fact, we recommend them if you’re experimenting with restraints for the first time because they’re so soft and easy to slip your hand out of.”

Just make sure that your partner’s nose and mouth aren’t covered if you’re using them as blindfolds!

A bottle.

Let me be clear, this rule applies to any item that you or your partner may be considering putting up your bum. A bottle, a rod, a can of deodorant or even a tampon. Essentially anything that doesn’t have a flared base. 

Because #humananatomy. 

“If you want to experiment with anal play, please remember that you should never, ever insert anything into your anus unless it has a flared base which can stop it from going all the way in,” warned Normal.

“Unlike the vulva, the anus has no ‘end point’ — it continues on into your colon and intestine. So if a toy goes all the way in, it can easily get lost up there.”

And you do not want to end up in ED with a crowd of doctors trying to retrieve your item.

Normal recommends using fingers instead. 

Image: Giphy.

Back and neck massagers.

Samantha Jones was certainly onto something when she was caught out using a neck massager as a vibrator on Sex and the City. 

“If you have one of those vibrating massagers lying around, you can easily place it between your legs and use it as a vibrator,” Normal recommended. “Just make sure to clean it before and after every use."

Washing machines and tumble dryers.

Got a machine with a rumbly cycle? You may wanna try this. 

“Some swear that sitting on a dryer while being penetrated by a partner can bring on an amazing orgasm,” Normal said. 

So go forth readers and give these options a whirl. Just make sure any items you use for internal stimulation are made from body-safe materials or wrap them in a condom to avoid picking up bacteria. And always give your toys a clean once you’re finished playing with them.

Have fun, and then report back! 

Image: Getty, HBO + Mamamia.