I’ve been a serial dater from the very first “Will you be my girlfriend?”
That was nine boyfriends ago.
During my time with boyfriend number eight– let’s call him Brandon–, I invited an old friend with benefits to my apartment.
We didn’t have a full-on affair; we didn’t even have sex. But we cuddled on my couch, and I let him squeeze my butt a few times.
I knew full and well that I was taking advantage of that fact that Brandon was away in Mexico, and I didn’t care. I’d always dreaded being cheated on, but here I was doing to someone else what I feared.
And I’ll be the first to say: that’s f***ed up.
We can do one of two things here: throw our hands up and yell, “She’s a cheater!” “We’re done with her!” or we can understand why it is that this happened.
Here’s what dating is like for you, according to your star sign. Post continues below.
My relationship with Brandon started at the same time my previous boyfriend left me. I was in shambles.
Boyfriend number seven, Smith, and I talked about a future together. We planned to move interstate the next year. We talked about marriage. I even looked past that one time Smith choked me during an argument.
But we ended. And like a knight in rusty armour, Brandon swooped in to console me. After several rocky months, Brandon officially became boyfriend number eight.
But what Brandon was working with was a sombre, broken version of myself. I was hurt by Smith and covering it up with Brandon’s affection.
Then, Brandon revealed several weeks into the relationship that he wasn’t looking for a serious girlfriend, just someone to have fun with.
In my sad state, my insecurities ran rampant. In my heart, I knew I shouldn’t be with Brandon. I could never fully commit myself to this guy, mentally or emotionally.
I told myself that if someone better came along, I wouldn’t hesitate to leave.
Again, f***ed up. I know.
I didn’t trust that Brandon wasn’t cheating. I was jealous of his female friends; I picked fights over his feelings for me. Most nights, we ended on the sweet note of a horrible argument.
But I stayed because I thought the pain of being alone would hurt more than what we had. That fear kept me in the relationship. That fear caused me to get to the point where I could justify cheating.
On the night when my friend with benefits came over, I didn’t question the reasoning for my actions. I believed Brandon was most likely cheating on me.
I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal if we didn’t go beyond cuddling. I did a lot of things I wouldn’t have done if I truly cared for my boyfriend.