The 4 rules of "selfish parenting".

The idea of being selfish seems the antithesis of being a mother. How can you be selfish when practically your whole life revolves around the needs of others?

But a new book is calling for just that parents – and mothers in particular – to embrace their “selfishness” and to put themselves first, in order to benefit their child.

Celebrity lifestyle guru Olga Levancuka – also known by the delightful tag the ‘Skinny Rich Coach’ – has previously written a book ‘How To Be Selfish (And Other Uncomfortable Advice)’, which encouraged women to put themselves first. Her latest book to cause controversy is urging parents to be selfish, to learn to say no to their kids. It calls upon Mums to take time out for themselves.

Apparently, it’s enraging parents. Personally, I’d like to hear if these rules enrage you, because I can’t really see where the selfishness in any of this is.

Here’s some of what she has to say:

1. Learn selfishness from your kids.

 “And who would be best to learn from how to be selfish? From your very own progeny of course! They know how to be selfish best. Kids are excellent psychologists and are great at getting other people to do their tasks for them. Do the same. Get your kids to do stuff for you.”

Sounds good to me. Good, sensible common sense. Nothing particularly controversial here. Now just to put it into practice. I have three kids aged 3, 5 and nearly 7. “Getting them to do stuff for me” isn’t quite as easy as it sounds.

2. Don’t over-praise your kids.

“Think for yourself. If a child, after a long struggle, finally solves her math tasks, does she really need to be told that she has done well? Doesn’t she know, without being told, that she has accomplished something? Don’t waste your time over-praising. Don’t call your kid ‘good girl’.”

This is an oft-debated parenting issue – whether to praise your child or not. Some say too much praise is building a generation of children with no resilience, but other kids need that little bit extra.

Other kids light up at the idea they have pleased their parents. Those same children whose faces explode into happiness when after begging one hundred times “Watch me Mama” they look up and you actually ARE watching. Those are the ones that need that little bit extra.

3. Let children do their own thing while you do yours.

I’m not sure Olga is advocating you just leave their child home alone while you head out to the gym.

But I can see her point. My oldest son was always with me. I played with him. I walked with him. I talked with him incessantly. We did puzzles and Lego and had teddy bears picnics.

We read books and I held his hand as he went down the slippery dip. I soaked up every minute I had with him. I immersed myself with him.

By the time I had my third child I simply couldn’t do that. Mentally or physically. She has her two older brothers to entertain her. She likes to play alone. She often HAS to play alone, as I am busy with the other two or work. And when we go to the park I actually talk to the other Mums and leave her to it. Sure we play together, but nothing to the extent I did with her brother. And the difference in their personalities is reflective of that.

Now nearly seven, my son still doesn’t like to be alone. He doesn’t like to play by himself and demands my attention whenever he can. He doesn’t know how to be alone. My three-year-old is far more resilient and independent. And I can see in hindsight why.

4. Get some you-time.

“Create a close network of parents-friends, and agree on a day when they look after your kids so that you get some ‘you’-time”.

Now she’s talking! What parent doesn’t need that? What person doesn’t need a little break away from whatever their main focus in life is to refresh them so they conquer another day.

Selfishness, or just common sense? Really if this is what selfishness is then we could all do with following a few of these rules. Now if only we could get the kids to co-operate too.

What do you think of these four rules of selfish parenting?

This story originally appeared on our sister website iVillage and is republished here with full permission.