"Am I being selfish if I elope?"

I’ve been thinking about it for a while. The big white wedding isn’t what I want. Can I do this instead?

I want to elope.

There, I said it.

Oh my god it feels good to get that off my chest.

I don’t want a big white wedding. I just don’t.

But I’m torn.

We had a great idea for an alternate wedding and we’ve told family about it and they loved it.

I’ve been engaged for a while and I just keep putting off setting a date because every time I go to I can’t. I just can’t 100% say that’s what I want. That venue, that celebrant, that band.

Yes, the places we’re deciding between are gorgeous, and so special and they fit all of our family and friends but I just can’t go ahead and put a deposit down.

There was one place I was so sure I wanted as my reception venue. I priced everything. We decided we'd go ahead then they asked for a deposit and I instantly had second thoughts. I still love that place, I really do, but I still haven't put down a deposit.

Eloping keeps lurking in the back of my mind.

There's a few things making me learn towards eloping.

The first is money.

Oh. My. God. Weddings are expensive. Insanely expensive. I could do so much with the money I'd spend on a wedding. Like have a holiday - which I could do while I elope! It's a double win.

The second is the show.

My best friend just got married. I love her. I do. She is amazing. But the show. It was such a show. SOOO many people. People she doesn't even talk to. Actually, people she doesn't even know. There were friends of parents and twice-removed second cousins. She's my best friend, I know the people she talks to and it's not those people.

She loved it though, every single second of it. She was the centre of attention.

Sure it's my wedding day, I don't mind dressing up and having eyes on me but I don't want the show. I don't NEED the show. I want casual. I don't even want a white dress let alone the big white showy wedding.

I want my wedding to be about our wedding, our marriage, about us. Not the hand made decorations on the tables and the specially ordered favours from overseas.

Then there's the people I know. I know too many.

Yeh yeh, I hear you "poor her, she has too many family and friends. Boo hoo."

Well in the case of weddings it's hard. I have about 5 separate friend groups. All who expect to be invited. All who have partners and kids. All who I see regularly and the ones I don't but I've known forever and would want them there. Not to mention a gigantor family, including in excess of 15 nieces and nephews.

That's A LOT of people.

And of course there is one major item making me consider eloping. The location.

My fiancé and I holidayed a few years ago and absolutely fell in love with a resort on a remote island. It was paradise. Every time I picture my wedding, I picture it there.

But the one thing that is really stopping me from eloping is my family.

I'm such a family person. I am so close to mum. I'd want her there and she doesn't have the money to follow me to our remote island paradise. I also have quite a few siblings, all who are married and would want to come with their partners and kids too. And then there's our grandparents. Fortunately we still have grandparents who are alive and would be honoured to attend our nuptials. Am I taking that away from them?

My fiancé and I have discussed it and he's torn as well. We love the places we've found locally and we'd love to share it with a big group of family and friends but we just don't think the big wedding is us.

Are we being selfish if we elope?

What would you do in this situation? Do you have any advice for this bride-to-be?

This reader is known to iVillage but has asked to remain anonymous.

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