Hotel staffers confess all the dirty secrets you did NOT want to know.

OH GOOD GOD MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP.

*cough* Sorry.

It turns out hotel staff have been keeping some dirty ‘n’ disturbing secrets from us all, and after reading them you will never – EVER – be the same again.

Thousands have flocked to a Quora thread, clearly hellbent on ruining your hotel stays forevermore. Lucky for you, we’ve hand-picked the five most disturbing, and deeply apologise for your lack of sleep tonight.

Seriously… stop now if you want to sleep tonight.

Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn ya!

1. Dead bodies r’ us.

“Almost everyone who has been a manager in a hotel has encountered a dead body,” writes self-confessed hotel lover, Susan Barry.

At a hotel in 2011, Susan explains, “a woman had too much to drink, slipped into her jacuzzi, and literally BOILED to death. True story.”

Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes. I guess that’s me and jacuzzis done forever, then.

“The sad fact is that I could find 15 more stories,” Susan finished, adding: “Hotels are crazy, y’all.”

2. See those sheets? Yeah, them. They’re dirty.

Yes – YES – those sheets that look clean are actually the complete and utter opposite.

Peter Mayer has worked as a housekeeper in hotels, and has some very icky news to share:

“Sometimes sheets are not changed daily,” Mayer admits.

“It is not only true for unused beds, but in general. Shady and cheap hotel/motel managers and owners encourage staff to check if the sheets look clean. If they do, they tell housekeepers to just tighten it up from the corners.”

Excuse me, I just need t–

Oh, and that doona? FIIIIIILTHY.

“Blankets and bedspreads are almost never washed,” Mayer writes. “Many hotels do not even have extra bedspreads that are kept clean and could be used as an exchange.”

3. Your sex session is, err, very… public.

“We can hear you having sex. Yes we do,” says Farhad Aqeel. “Even if your TV volume is at max we can hear. We can even hear you slapping your wife/girlfriend’s ass.”

Well that’s… disconcerting.

4. Stop reading the reviews.

Farhad doesn’t stop there. If you picked this hotel because past visitors RAVED about it online, the joke’s truly on you, pal.

“We have excellent online reviews but all these reviews have been posted by ourselves,” he admits.

Seriously, you guys. My hotel-staying life is flashing before my eyes and I can’t… I can’t feel my face anymore.

5. Treat us nicely, or we'll spit in your food.

Michael Andrews is close friends with a bar manager at a well-renowned hotel, and what he has to say is nothing short of effing horrifying.

When a customer treats the staff poorly, the head chef will take revenge on their steak dinner.

"[Their meal is] dragged across EVERY surface in the kitchen, including the floor, before it is served."

Oh, it doesn't stop there.

"Cutlery for the meal was licked by the Chef's dog" and "A special ice bucket was kept to one side for this particular kind of customer. The ice was prepared by flushing the toilet, using the 'clean' water from the pan to make the ice for the 'special' bucket. All the bar staff passed the information on about who was to be served with this ice."

If anyone needs me, I'll be violently rocking in the foetal position.

Have you worked in a hotel? Confess your secrets in the comments...