For years, Samantha X was “the ultimate party girl”. Then, she says, she became "embarrassing".

For years, Samantha X was “the ultimate party girl”.

After leaving her career as a magazine journalist, the 45-year-old, whose real name is Amanda Goff, launched an incredibly successful career as an escort.

Over the past seven years, Samantha, who is Australia’s highest-paid escort, ran an agency of her own and even released two best-selling memoirs – Hooked and Back on Top.

But behind the scenes, the 45-year-old’s lifestyle came with an incredible price.

We went on a first date with Samantha X. Post continues below.

In an exclusive interview with Stellar magazine over the weekend, Samantha opened up about her struggles with alcoholism – as well as her journey to sobriety.

Samantha, who is now in her ninth month (and counting) of sobriety, admitted that it was her “double life” as Amanda Goff by day and Samantha X by night that ultimately impacted her relationship with alcohol.

And after splitting from her partner, Channel Seven reporter Ryan Phelan last year, Samantha increasingly began to turn to alcohol as an “emotional painkiller”.

“I felt weak and worthless,” she told Stellar. “And like at any moment someone was going to work out I was a fraud.”

“Life was becoming unmanageable,” she added.

Mia Freedman interviewed Samantha X on No Filter in 2017. Post continues below.

Although Samantha admits she didn’t drink every day, she described herself as a “blackout drinker”.

“I was a blackout drinker. I would wake up filled with guilt, shame and remorse. I did and said things the sober me wouldn’t have ever. I was the party girl that never grew up,” she wrote on Instagram in June.

“Drinking quickly went from something social to slow suicide for me around eight years ago. It quickly progressed into a handy tool to numb my emotional pain.”

On multiple occasions, Samantha found herself blacking out at parties before waking up back home with no recollection of how she got there.

On other occasions, her children were sent to school in Ubers.

“I felt like I had a role to play as the fun, exciting one. I was embarrassing. I did inappropriate things. Then I’d wake up feeling really dark the next day,” she said.

“I’d hit rock bottom. It wasn’t catastrophic; I didn’t lose anything. But I guess I was a high-functioning, spiritually dead person.”

 

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I love looking at before and after … first two photos are me hungover and wasted. The last two are since recovery. Sobriety isn’t just good for your mental and physical health, it’s a trillion more effective than ANY skincare out there..and this is only five months in! #recovery #bygraceofgod #sober

A post shared by Samantha X® (@samanthaxreal) on Jul 11, 2019 at 11:45pm PDT

 

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Five months ago today, I was feeling pretty low, useless, worthless, a waste of space. I felt a fraud and a bad person. I was always hungover and made poor decisions, and was very good at wrecking relationships. I didn’t feel I deserved any kind of love whatsoever. Then I surrendered and asked for help. I have been clean and sober for five months; the longest since I was 15 years old give or take. And in those five short months, my life has changed. I’ve cleared my debts, I’m a better, more present mother, I’m more organised, I’ve bought a more practical car and got rid of my expensive sports car that served no one except my ego, and I can look myself in the mirror. I pause when agitated, I no longer feel a victim, and I nurture my relationships. I’ve finally found something that interests me and I’m starting college in two weeks. And I have my sobriety to thank for that. I take my sobriety very, very seriously. My meetings come before anything and anyone, including family. If I drink again, if I drop the ball and get complacent, it’s back on and I’ll lose the things and people I love. I don’t want that life anymore. If you are struggling, you’re not alone. #alcoholicsanonymous #recovery #addiction #chooselife #sober #sobriety #keepcomingback #sobersisters

A post shared by Samantha X® (@samanthaxreal) on Jul 1, 2019 at 4:40pm PDT

For Samantha, rock bottom came in December 2018.

After calling up the host of a party to apologise for her behaviour the night before, the woman on the other end of the call said something which led Samantha to reflect on her substance abuse.

“She said, ‘Your behaviour yesterday was the reason I’ve been sober for 10 years’. That was a real light-bulb moment for me,” she recalled.

After that phone call, Samantha promptly joined a 12-step program meeting to address her problem with alcohol.

“If I didn’t go, I knew how the story was going to end,” she said.

“I had visions of me being found dead in a hotel room. I was just always surprised when I wasn’t.”

In September, Samantha announced that she was winding up her career as an escort.

“Sobriety brings on a new spiritual path. I am winding up escorting and have taken all advertising down,” she wrote on Twitter at the time.

 

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No fanfare announcement this time, just a gentle ending. I am always going to help and heal in my new role as coach, but it’s time to evolve. And the best thing about it- I’m doing it for ME. There is no man on my back pressurising me to give up. With sobriety, comes clarity. With clarity, comes confidence. And with confidence, comes change! Email: samantha@samanthax.com.au for enquiries and bring it on! #womenempowerment #womenhelpingwomen #gentleman #futureisnow #lifecoach #mentalhealthawareness

A post shared by Samantha X® (@samanthaxreal) on Sep 11, 2019 at 2:59pm PDT

Speaking to Stellar, Samantha explained that while the job “wasn’t disempowering”, it was time to move on.

“I love what I did, but once I sobered up, I felt like I’m worthy of a bit more,” she said.

“I always thought someone was going to come rescue me. But no one is. No man. No amount of money. It has to come from within.”

Now, while still running an escort agency, Samantha offers practical relationship coaching sessions for clients of any gender.

It’s not the first time Samantha has taken a step back from escorting.

Samantha also briefly quit escorting for 10 months, citing her relationship with Channel Seven reporter Ryan Phelan as her reason for leaving.

 

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A post shared by Samantha X® (@samanthaxreal) on Oct 13, 2019 at 3:26pm PDT

The pair met after Samantha appeared on Channel Seven to promote her book, Back On Top, and Phelan asked her out on a lunch date.

“We have pretty much spent every day together since [we met], I fell in love with Amanda, no one else,” Phelan told The Sydney Morning Herald at the time.

In January 2018, however, Samantha announced that the pair had split, telling Daily Mail, “The love was very deep between us, but sometimes love isn’t enough.”

Feature Image: Instagram/@samanthaxreal

You can read the full Stellar interview with Samantha X here.

For more on this topic:

• At 15, Samantha X knew she wanted to be an escort.
• Samantha X: ‘What goes on in the bedroom when I’m paid to sleep with women.’
• Samantha X on the number one unexpected question most clients ask her.

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you’re based in Australia, please contact Lifeline 13 11 14 for support or beyondblue 1300 22 4636.

You can access free and confidential advice about alcohol and other drugs by calling the National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline on 1800 250 015 or the 24-hour Family Drug Support helpline on 1300 368 186.