Why hello there, fellow muggles.
We are gathered here today to delight in the godlike creature that is Ryan Thomas Gosling.
Because we’re all super busy, and perhaps haven’t had the chance to see the 36-year-old’s latest blockbuster La La Land, let’s watch our own special version, okay?
I mean, the movie’s received an unheard score of 93% on Rotten Tomatoes… but who needs to watch two hours when we can cover all the good stuff in two minutes?
Exactly. Nobody.
Here’s a revised version of the film specially made for all the Gos fans out there. You’re welcome.
Opening credits: Oh, here we have Ryan Gosling doing a teeny tiny smirk in the dark! With a cute lil’ moustache too. Adorable. Love it. Would create a hundred million babies with him.
Scene One: Now we have Ryan Gosling twirling a lady on a pier. Because he’s Ryan Gosling, and that’s just how Ryan Gosling fills in his spare time.
Is anyone else feeling their ovaries violently twitch right now?
… Just me?
Scene Two: Ryan Gosling strolls away, whistling pensively. Even straight dudes hyperventilate and faint.
Scene Three: More whistling and beach thinking. Crisp white shirt does wonders. TM Lewin and MJ Bale battle for lucrative sponsorship deal. But Ryan Gosling is unaware. Carries on being a solid 9000/10.
Scene Four: Two of the world’s most attractive people meet. The universe threatens to explode.
Scene Five: Naturally, they decide to dance to save it.
Scene Six: Ryan Gosling makes a stupendous home cooked meal, to make every man ever seem like a completely different species. Somehow still manages to look sexual with oven mitts on. Divorce rates skyrocket.
FIN: Emma Stone eats his goddamn face. Why? Because he’s freaking Ryan Gosling and it’d be rude not to.
Bless your cotton socks, Ryan Gosling. Bless your freakishly sexy and handsome cotton socks.
