Rosie Recaps The Bachelorette FINALE: The Ultimate Peen Owner is chosen.

Missed last episode’s recap? Get on that. Read it here.

Annnnd we open with some very grand sweeping ariel shots of the beach. And of waterfalls. And of majestic cliffs. CHANNEL TEN HAS SPENT MONEY ON THIS AND THEY WANT YOU TO FUCKING KNOW IT. QUEEN SULLY HAS RELEASED THE LAST OF THE FUNDS.

She’s even let Oshie out of the Channel Ten dungeon and plonked him on the edge of a cliff so we can get some glorious ariel footage of his hair not blowing one inch in the salty New Zealand breeze.

Holy Daffodil, you guys! This is it. We’re at the end. Tonight Bachie Queen will pick the Ultimate Peen Owner who will play with her special button for eternity.

But before the episode can really get started, we need to spend five solid minutes learning where the money to pay for it actually came from. Oh Sully, you sly girl you. I didn’t think there was enough money in the couch cushions to pull off a last-minute trip to New Zealand. I knew the funds were depleted! But you weren’t going to let a sister spend time with her final two Peens in some park in the outskirts of Sydney. No – this needed to be epic. Which means one final, glorious piece of product placement to pay for the whole damn trip. I can’t be AIR NEW ZEALAND sure, but I’m fairly AIR NEW ZEALAND certain that AIR NEW ZEALAND possibly had AIR NEW ZEALAND something to do with AIR NEW ZEALAND the financing of this trip on an AIR NEW ZEALAND plane to New Zealand.

Because it’s definitely extremely important for the show that we see lots of shots of how people travel to New Zealand. Via AIR NEW ZEALAND, in case you were wondering:

Well played, Channel Ten. This wouldn’t have felt like a finale without some shameless placing of products. AIR NEW ZEALAND. (Can I have a jet now?)

So. Tonight, Bachie Queen will have one final date with each Peen Owner. They will also meet her family, who are all inexplicably in New Zealand. (Probably because they were flown there on a stylish and comfortable AIR NEW ZEALAND plane. Srsly – my jet pls.) And the final humiliating challenge has also been set: Bachie Queen expects each of the Peen Owners to tell her that they L.O.V.E love her tonight, obviously so that the humiliation for the one who gets booted will be at its maximum level.

Here we go.

Professional-Soccer-Player-Except-Not-Really (PSPENR) Michael’s turn to get grilled by Bachie Queen’s family in the hopes of putting some Manufactured Drama into this episode:

Bachie Queen’s sister is an epic No Sass Wonder Woman who has zero time for bullshit. The whole meeting basically consists of her making faces like this every time PSPENR Michael talks:

I love her. I want to go on public transport with her and have her scare people into giving up their seats for me.

Sasha’s turn to get grilled by Bachie Queen’s family in the hopes of putting some Manufactured Drama into this episode:

Same again. Lots of SERIOUS MUSIC. Lots of terrifying shots of the No Sass Wonder Woman Sister making this face:

YAAAAS KWEEN.

Well, that’s the end of tonight’s ‘Meeting The Family Manufactured Drama’. Both Peen Owners did fine, although it seems like the terrifying sister liked Sasha more than PSPENR Michael. Time for final dates.

PSPENR Michael’s Absolute Last Chance to Prove He’s Not An Unlovable Loser:

YESSSS A HELICOPTER PICKS THEM UP AND FLIES THEM TO A PLACE THEY COULD HAVE EASILY DRIVEN A CAR TO. As it damn well should. We’ve waited far too long for an extravagant and pointless helicopter pash:

They go white water rafting, and we spend way too much time watching them go white water rafting. C’mon. We know this date is just going to end up on a Magic Sex Couch plonked somewhere in New Zealand, so can we just get to that please?

Next up is a swim in a gorgeous and very marketable hot spring (isn’t NEW ZEALAND just so amazing with so many beautiful tourism destinations and doesn’t it look like an incredible place to travel to via AIR NEW ZEALAND? etc etc etc)

PSPENR Michael does his duty and informs Bachie Queen that he loves her, thereby ensuring that he will now be extra humiliated if he is not chosen as her final Peen. She rewards him with a little bit of steamy touching of special places:

End date.

Sasha’s Absolute Last Chance to Prove He’s Not An Unlovable Loser:

YESSSS THIS ONE INVOLVES A YACHT. Not a super yacht, but I guess it’ll have to do.

They sail along the glorious NEW ZEALAND coastline that is just so tourist-friendly and definitely looks like a gorgeous – oh fuck it, you know the joke. AIR NEW ZEALAND etc etc etc.

Sasha’s only job on this final date is to tell Bachie Queen that he loves her. He already gives her the clit-tingles, and has since day one. But this date isn’t about her Special Button. This is about setting up his possible humiliation by forcing him to admit he loves a woman he’s only been on a few dates with.

Take a look back through some of our favourite moments this season. Post continues after video:

OMFG a seaplane picks them up from their yacht and drops them on a private island. THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT WE WANTED ALL SEASON, CHANNEL TEN. Y’all need to get Queen Sully to hustle Air New Zealand for spare change ALL THE TIME. Tell them you’ll loan them Oshie! All he needs to live is hairspray and a few tight suits.

Bachie Queen and Sasha proceed to do the only thing you would want to do if you were on a private island in New Zealand: they sit on a Magic Sex Couch plonked on a patch of grass:

Sasha does his duty. Tells Bachie Queen that he loves her. She seems to like it way more when he says it than when that other dude said it, whose name I can’t even be bothered typing now because it’s obvious Sasha has won and will tingle Bachie Queen’s clit forever and ever.

TIME TO HUMILIATE SOMEONE!

First, Bachie Queen needs to do some final Serious Beach Thinking. Yoga-silhouette style:

Bachie Queen gets ready. The Peen Owners get ready. Lots of SERIOUS MUSIC plays while they all talk about how SERIOUS this is as they get ready. We follow their drive through the gorgeous tourist destination that is NEW ZEALAND, until they arrive at the Final Spot of Humiliation. And Bachie Queen could not have picked a more perfect location: she will select her Ultimate Peen Owner while standing next to a Giant Droopy Peen Tree:

I just wept. I am weeping. The Final Spot of Humiliation is a Giant Droopy Peen Tree. Fuck I love this show.

Okay, the first Peen Owner is about to get of the car to talk to Oshie’s Hair, and everybody knows that the first person to get out of the car is the loser and it’s obviously going to be PSPENR Michael so let’s just get to it please.

It’s PSPENR Michael. He has been deemed this year’s Unlovable Loser.

He talks to Oshie while sad violin music plays – the kind you would expect to hear at a early 19th century Irish funeral. PSPENR looks hopeful. Oshie should win a Logie for the ‘you’re about to get dumped on national television but I can’t give anything away’ face he manages:

He walks down a hill to meet Bachie Queen at the Final Spot of Humiliation. Meets Bachie Queen under the Giant Droopy Peen Tree. She cries and tells him that he is the Unlovable Loser.

He handles it with dignity and is lovely. Will now go back to his life as a Professional Soccer Player Real Estate Agent. Is forced to walk up a giant hill and is kicked out of the country immediately. Probably on Tiger Airways, because AIR NEW ZEALAND is only for winners.

Alright, well now that we know who wins, this is boring. I’m kind of hoping at the last minute, David The International Model will jump out from behind the bushes and propose to his own face.

But no, what has been completely obvious since Episode One is what happens: Sasha, the one who has given her Special Button Clit-Tingles from the start, is announced the Ultimate Peen Owner. What gripping, suspenseful, unexpected television this has been.

He walks down the hill, meets Bachie Queen under the Giant Droopy Peen Tree, and is told that she loves him. She cries. He seems slightly underwhelmed. They kiss. And that’s it:

We are done. We are at the end. Time to pack up Oshie’s Hair and put him back in the Channel Ten Dungeon until next year. Excuse me while I go and get very drunk and try to erase the word ‘peen’ from my brain.

Until 2016…

You should follow Rosie Waterland on Facebook right here. Also, she’s written her first book (which she thinks is quite humorous) and it’s OUT NOW. You can purchase it by clicking RIGHT HERE. 

Missed a recap? Catch up here:

Episode 9

Episode 8

Episode 7

Episode 6

Episode 5

Episode 4

Episode 3

Episode 2

Episode 1