Rosie Recaps Bachie Episode 10: The lights went out. Naughty things happened.

Introducing Mamamia Live – a frank conversation between two of Australia’s most outspoken women

Mia talks to Rosie about her best-selling new memoir The Anti Cool Girl and of course, The Bachelor. It will be as raw and moving as it is hilarious and you can meet Rosie in person afterwards as she signs copies of her book (which will also be available to buy if you haven’t got one yet!).

Catch them at the Intercontinental Sydney Double Bay on Monday 14th September at 6pm. Grab your tickets here.

Missed last episode’s recap? Get on that. Read it here.

We open on the girls just casually hanging out being casual at the Girl Prison. You can tell by the ominous music that the producers are going to try really hard to make it seem like there’s SAH MUCH DRAMAAA between the Originals and the Intruders. Unfortunately for them, the only one who seems really bothered by the new girls (Heather 2.0 and Rachel) is Ebru, which is odd since she’s only ever said about 7 words to Bachie Wood in group settings. She insists they have a ‘special connection’ and the Intruders are like, totally ruining it or whatever. Oh, Ebs. Well, at least the producers have someone bitchy to focus on tonight.

Oshie turns up with – GASP! – not one, but two date cards, and the amount of emphasis put on this MASSIVE TWIST tells us that this is going to be one of those episodes where nothing is happening, while the clever editing and music tries to convince us that something is actually happening. Allow me to do my part: SHUT THE FRONT DOOR AND CALL ME OPRAH! Two date cards! TWO? This show is just a mile a minute, a rollercoaster of confusing emotions! Two minutes in and something exciting has happened! etc etc etc.

Ugh. Here’s a pic of Oshie anyway, to pass the time:

The first single date goes to Totally Laid Back Cool Girl Heather, which is very awks since that is TLBCG Heather’s second single date, and Ebru hasn’t even had one. That’s basically the equivalent of being lapped in a race. YOU HAVE BEEN DATE-LAPPED EBRU YOU AINT GONNA WIN THIS THING GIVE UP NOWWWW. Seriously though, why is she still there? Oh well – she says she’s happy to be patient and spend her time leading the rebellion against the Intruders who are trying to steal the man who has so far tried to avoid being alone with her. #TRUELOVE

GROUP DATE TIME!

Before we continue, please let’s acknowledge tonight’s edition of HAIR WARS:

I think Oshie wins this one. And can I please just take a moment to say, I heard all of you LOUD AND FUCKING CLEAR last night when you expressed your shock and disappointment that I didn’t comment on this situation:

Yes, I will admit, that was a rare slip up on my part. Now let’s never speak of this again.

Oshie gives a ridiculously long and detailed explanation about the history of anthropology in order to explain the ‘meaning’ behind today’s group date. What he’s really saying is, “Soz – this is totes going to be another budget date, but if I give it a complex theme about love or whatever it makes it seem really legit. Now haul arse to the bus stop because we couldn’t afford transpo.”

And, just like I suspected, they go to a restaurant and have dinner in the dark. That’s literally it. No catamarans. No planes. No baths filled with hundred dollar bills. Just dinner. At a restaurant. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS SHOW? Here’s how I imagine the planning for this date went down:

“Shit. We can only afford to send them to lunch.”

“DAMN IT. Not even in a limo? Or a glorious NISSAN?”

“No. Lunch. That’s it. At like, a restaurant.”

“Ok well… let’s just turn the lights off and get Osher to say some bullshit about ‘love being blind’ or whatever.”

“PERFECT. You fucking genius. Shit, has anyone fed Osher today?”

They sit at a table in a dark room and squeal and spill things on each other. As follows:

Lana/Heather 2.0 identifies herself as a legitimate competitor by sitting next to Bachie Wood and shoving food in his mouth. But you know, in a SEXY way. Ebru cannot deal with this, because Lana/Heather 2.0 has now officially spent more time talking to their shared boyfriend than Ebru has. Bachie Wood offers Clearly-Not-Gonna-Last-Much-Longer-Rachel a glass of wine, to which she replies she’d rather just take the bottle and now she’s officially my hero and I love her so much I can’t even deal. Bachie Wood’s shocked and appalled reaction to her wanting to swig straight from the bottle confirms what I always suspected: He and I can never be together.

More spilling things/We’re sitting in the dark/This is so fun and definitely not cheap as shit etc etc etc.

The girls start to get frustrated that Lana/Heather 2.0 has enamoured Bachie Wood’s Bachie Peen by doing the sexy-food-in-the-face thing. Nina drops the following truthbomb: “We see it as someone taking up really precious time with OUR MAN, and that makes us angry.”

Okay. HOLD THE FUCK UP. ‘Our man’? I think we can all agree that the episode in the series where the Intruders turn up is the episode where we see how being locked in the Girl Prison so long has messed with the heads of these girls. The fact that you’re even upset about a man that you’re SHARING is so freaking sad. That you feel desperate and hurt about a guy who forced you to play fucking BUBBLE SOCCER and WRESTLE SHEEP to prove your devotion to his peen is waaaay out of whack, you guys. The fact that you even just used the term ‘Our man’ is proof that you need to get the fuck out of the Girl Prison and just lock yourself in a room for a week watching Xena Warrior Princess on repeat.

‘Our man’. Ew ew ew ew ew. Sigh.

Bachie Wood, romanced by the sexy food shoved in his face, selects Lana/Heather 2.0 as the lucky recipient of some alone time with him. He takes her to a Magic Sex Couch set up in some room with a view of the Harbour Bridge. I’m fairy certain it’s the exact same room he took another girl this season, but, to be honest, at this stage I’m just shocked that they’re not sitting on two milk crates covered with a blanket.

Bachie Wood insists that she’s a really, really ‘interesting’ person, a strange adjective to use when he’s only spoken to her for a total of fifteen minutes. But then, I suppose we do need to remember that Bachie Wood often confuses the word ‘interesting’ with ‘hot’, and then his Bachie Peen gets all kinds of confused. That’s why Emily stuck around so long.

They talk and he likes her because she’s ‘interesting’ and that’s the end.

SINGLE DATE TIME!

O.M. FUCKING. G this budget date problem is hitting crisis mode. We officially have a Pov Date Crisis on our hands, people! TLBCG Heather has actually just been plonked on the side of the road, in her pretty dress, waiting to be picked up. THIS IS HOW HORROR MOVIES START. Divert some hairspray/brown suit funds and rent out some fucking sea planes!

Bachie Wood eventually turns up in an ice cream truck, and for the second time this season I’ve found something I would rather date than The Bachelor. I’d kick Bachie Wood out the side, get behind the wheel and drive off into the sunset, all the ice cream I can handle in the trunk. And maybe swing by Channel Ten and break Oshie out of that dungeon and just drive and drive and drive and eat ice cream and touch hair forever.

BAchie Wood takes TLBCG Heather to some garden with a table covered with some chocolate stuff. Looks like the place has been decorated with those butterflies you find at Hot Dollar, but, c’mon, are we really surprised at this point?

Cut back to the Girl Prison. Some ominous music plays while the Originals and the Intruders talk about each other. It’s meant to be very exciting and bitchy, but nobody’s actually saying anything very exciting and bitchy so… Can we just see some more shots of my new boyfriend The Ice Cream Truck please?

Bachie Wood takes TLBCG Heather to a Magic Sex Couch that’s been set up in a wine cellar. Well… At least they’ve plopped some candles around. I don’t even know what else to say. Insert ‘Pov Date’ joke here.

He gives her a rose. They kiss. Talk about feelings and she’s clearly won this whole freaking thing unless he ends up loving her like a little sister or something except nah he won’t she is clearly the one who will engulf his Bachie Peen for eternity.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

Okay so literally nothing is happening. Lots of time-filler ‘the Intruders and the Originals hate each other except not really but if we keep playing serious music and show shots of them looking at each other then maybe we can inject some drama into this’ etc etc etc. TLBCG Heather talks about her date. Some more dramatic looks between the Intruders and the Originals. The girls talk about how ‘someone is going home’ in about ten different ways. That’s pretty much it.

Can Emily please get pissed again and come back to the Girl Prison to throw down with Nina?

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

Oshie’s Hair comes in and gives another long-arse speech about love and philosophy and anthropology and the history of man and comparative religion and ‘oh have a filled enough time to get us through the hour okay one girl is going home.’

Ebru is obviously the one who gets sent home, which she can’t believe, because she’s been there ‘so much longer than the intruders’. But seriously, she was on the¯\_(ツ)_/¯ pile for so much of that time, and two girls Date-Lapped in the last two episodes. She was always gonna go tonight.

Next week: BACHIE WOOD GETS SWEATY DURING A ROSE CEREMONY. Definitely tune in for that doozy.

You should follow Rosie Waterland on Facebook right here. Also, she’s written her first book (which she thinks is quite humorous) and it’s coming out soon. Pre-order it by clicking RIGHT HERE. 

Listen to the No Filter podcast that everybody’s been talking about – An interview with Rosie Waterland by Mia Freedman:

Missed a recap? Catch up here.

Episode 9

Episode 8

Episode 7

Episode 6

Episode 5

Episode 4

Episode 3

Episode 2

Episode 1