By MIA FREEDMAN
It’s the question everyone asks when a woman (or man but we’re mostly talking about women) finally escapes from an abusive relationship: what took you so long?
I’ve asked it myself of several friends who have been with emotionally abusive men. And many years ago it was asked of me because I was there too, with a boyfriend who told me I was worthless, a slut, a flirt, a drama queen…..it went on for two years. He never hit me but in hindsight, it was still toxic and abusive.
Why do women stay with men who belitte us? Who hit us? Who abuse us? It’s a complicated answer and is intensely personal. Every woman, every situation is unique and yet there are so many similarities.
It’s like a frog in boiling water. At first, things are lovely. Pleasant. Warm.
Slowly, almost imperceptibly, it gets hotter. You wonder if you’re imagining things. He tells you you’re over-reacting. He apologises profusely. Things get better. And then they get worse. Each time is a new low point until one day you’re looking up at your life with your self-esteem in the gutter and no strength to lift yourself up and out and away from the man who is making your life hell but who has a powerful, confusing, torturous, invisible hold over you.
The water is boiling and you are trapped.
Weak men know the only way to dominate a strong woman is to demolish her self esteem piece by piece over a period of time. Isolate her from her support network. Make her feel so small and insecure and scared and destabilised that she doesn’t know HOW to leave. Or who she is.
And that’s why women who do get away are incredibly brave and generous to speak out and share their stories. Women like Tegan Gould, the former fiance of high profile sports agent and former AFL player Ricky Nixon, who was recently convicted of assaulting her. Not for the first time.
Top Comments
I too was in a very abusive relationship many many years ago! It is true I think they all do start out the same way, you know polite, kind, makes you feel like you are the only woman alive etc. I was still at school in year 10 when I met this guy, I felt an instant attraction and would have done anything to call him my boyfriend. Eventually he did become my boyfriend, the first physical attack came when he asked me to skip school to be with him, I had never skipped school before and it wasn't on my agenda, when I told him no I can't skip school, i was belted, I couldn't believe that he could do that, my thoughts then changed to oh he didn't mean that,it just shows me how much he loves me and wants to be with me, I actually turned it around in my head to make it acceptable. He apologized, it will never happen again etc. Eventually when I left school and started working, many more beatings occurred, you try and justify each one, if only i did that or why did I have to make him so mad!! We moved in together and the last straw came when he attacked me during my lunch break at work. I knew I couldn't keep doing this and I knew no one believed my stories as to why I had that bruise or that black eye etc. Eventually I left our little flat one morning and never went back, after work I rang a friend of my mum and dads and they picked me up from the local station. The next day my dad and brother went to the flat with the police and collected my belongings, he had written on the bathroom mirror in my lipstick how much he loved me!!!! It took me a long long time to get over that relationship and when you believe you love someone, it is just that little bit harder. I know now that it wasn't love at all!! I have been married for 26 wonderful years to the love of my life, I have 2 adult sons and I feel blessed each and every day. My hubby is a gentle giant and he has shown me what true love is. If you are reading this and you are in an abusive relationship, GET OUT NOW, it is hard to do but there are far better things waiting for you. No one deserves that sort of treatment and as I saw first hand you didn't have to do much to be abused. They never change, be courageous and get the help to get out, plan it and do. You won't look back.
oh. he only got 200 hours community service ? wow.
his victim will be dealing with the scares of this relationship for years if not forever. but i see in some of the comments that it was anyway kinda HER FAULT anyway, right. all good then.
you might change your mind if it's YOUR DAUGHTER, YOUR MOM or YOUR SISTER. it can happen to ANYONE, any class, education, attitude to men etc. i don't have much sympathy for young chicks who go for older dudes that have some sort of public profile either - BUT that's one side of it. noone goes and seeks ABUSE and noone deserves it.