From the day my baby boy was born I’ve second-guessed every decision I’ve made with regards to his wellbeing. While my confidence as a mother has definitely grown over the last 10 months, I am currently facing my biggest challenge yet – trying to balance the ‘mummy me’ with the ‘career-focused me’.
When I headed off on maternity leave last December, I was 80% sure that I wouldn’t be returning to my job. I said my goodbyes with a feeling of finality, wrote a letter to my boss thanking her for her support and was ready to start a new chapter in my life. A year later I’m preparing to go back to work three days per week and am wracked with guilt about leaving my precious bub in childcare, while at the same time feeling increasingly frustrated by my limited career options.
Most of my reasons for returning to work are practical ones. Alarmingly the money tree we planted in the backyard has failed to fruit and my savings have dwindled down to nearly nothing. Living in Melbourne means we have a mortgage the size of a Rudd’s ego for a house that seems to shrink as the toy box grows. If we are lucky enough to give our son a sibling, my husband and I would have to take up residence in a teepee in the backyard as our second bedroom is the size of a linen closet.
My other reason for returning to work part-time is selfish. I love my job. I love being good at my job. While I’ve adored spending 24/7 watching my baby boy grow into an inquisitive and entertaining toddler, I do miss the mental stimulation and social interaction of work. My ambition didn’t disappear along with my pert bosoms and flat stomach. I feel incredibly privileged that I get to spend my days singing “toot toot chugga chugga big red car” and smothering my bub with smooches, but a part of me is also looking forward to putting on some mascara and immersing myself in something other than trying to wake up narcoleptic Jeff.
My unwillingness to give up on my career aspirations makes me feel guilty, but then I think – why should I feel bad about not wanting to throw away years of study and hard slog to become a professional ironer? I believe that enjoying a stimulating and fulfilling career is essential to my overall happiness and that will make me a better Mum.
But who knows what the right decision is, I certainly don’t. On my first day back at work, I’m sure I’ll be bawling my eyes out in the office bathroom and feeling like the worst mother in the world. But if I stay at home, I think the isolation, cabin fever and monotony will probably make me a less tolerant and imaginative Mum. To clarify, I’m talking about myself here. I don’t think you’re any less inspiring, intelligent and imaginative if you choose not to work. I also don’t believe that you’re a better mother if you decide to stay at home just because you think it’s what you SHOULD do. Life is too full of ‘shoulds’. Some women are cut out for staying at home indefinitely and some aren’t. My aim is to try and find a happy medium and I’m hoping three days at work and four days at home will be it.
In a lot of ways Australian workplaces are still living in the dark ages when it comes to supporting new mums. I’m lucky enough to have a boss who seems open to me returning to a management position three days per week, but there is still a huge roadblock when it comes to even distribution of parental responsibilities.
My husband is a very devoted and hands-on father. He would love to work four days a week so he could spend one day at home with our bub but as a senior executive for a large organisation, that isn’t an option. The overall sentiment is that Dad brings home the bacon while looking after the bub from Monday to Friday is Mum’s responsibility. So Mum has to either give up her career until the kids go to school or be consumed by guilt and often judged by relatives and friends for going back to work and engaging childcare.
I’d love to see workplaces being more open to Dads spending one day a week at home which would allow more career-flexibility and less guilt for Mum while supporting Dad-child bonding. I know we are making inroads, but we still have a long way to go in recognising a Mum’s value in the workplace and a Dad’s desire to spend more time raising his kids.
I hope in time that mums like me won’t find themselves stuck between a rock and a demotion when it comes to balancing their careers with being loving and nurturing mothers. I also hope that Dads will feel more comfortable broaching the possibility of working part-time so they can share the Monday to Friday parental responsibilities. For now, I guess I’ll just keep lying awake at night trying to find an outcome that benefits the most important thing in my life – my son.
Did you go back to work after giving birth? Did you ever feel guilty?
Top Comments
This makes me terribly sad. The writer admits to feeling guilty about leaving her baby in childcare, as well as selfish in her desire to return to work. As a mother, I am of the opinion that she should feel both. She brought a beautiful life into the world and the best interest of that precious baby should come first. I was very blessed to have mum who desired to stay at home and raise me, and felt fulfillment in doing so. She was highly educated and had a career for over 10 years before I was born as well, and it never crossed her mind to dump me off and return to work. I cannot imagine leaving my precious children in the care of paid employees while I go off to pursue my own interests. There will be plenty of time for me to focus on my own interests when my children are grown. I have made huge, but very worthwhile sacrifices (no martyrdom here), to stay home with my children. We moved far from my childhood home to afford a comfortable life on one income and give our child better opportunities. Being a mother is not easy, nor is it all sunshine and roses, but it is the singular most valuable and important role of my life. I am certain that what I have written will strike a nerve in many readers, and that is great! Your judgments are self judgments. Look in the mirror as you get ready for your important day and think about all the moments of your children's lives your missing. Think about your child clinging to your leg, screaming, begging for you not to leave them. You will never get this day back again. At the hour of your death, if you look back on your life and wish you'd spent less time with your children, then frankly, you shouldn't have had children. There is no balance! Children deserve and need their mums at home providing unconditional love, security, and stability, not paid employees, such as nannies and childcare centers.
So you home school your kids 24/7 until they're grown as well? My daughter doesn't cling to my leg sobbing when I leave her, sorry to tell you. Maybe those of us who don't feel like you just deal better with the fact that our kids can be cool with others looking after them and actually thrive in the environment we put them into.
My 3 kids go to daycare and none of them have ever clung to me, cried or been remotely upset about me leaving. They actually run in and scream with excitement! We have no extended family so the workers provide a great opportunity for them to meet and spend time with other adults, it's very multicultural and the workers are all of various ages , 22 to 65 so the kids get a great range of experiences and learning opportunities from these wonderful carers. Your way works for you which is great, my way works for me. I don't feel guilty and certainly don't feel like I'm missing out. I don't feel my kids are missing out either otherwise I certainly wouldn't be working. My mum worked full time when we were all little because my dad died when we were young and she had no choice. My siblings and myself all turned out fine, all well rounded and happy. Although apparently according to Cory Bernardi we should all be criminals and promiscuous!
Thank you for documenting the struggle many women feel. I have been working on the problem of the balance for 18 months and have created a business called 100 Mums to try and solve the puzzle. We are now placing mums into work at their level in family friendly companies. We still have a long way to go but we are chipping away. If you dont mind I will share your article with the 100 Mums database.