Six things you can do in the time it takes to cook dinner tonight.

Hello, readers, friends.

You know what I bloody love? Food. Wanna know what I do not bloody love? Cooking.

Aside from damp toast and burnt cereal, my repertoire includes two-minute noodles and a confusing concoction of potato gems with condensed chicken soup (my family calls it “Michelle’s spew dish,” and no, I don’t recommend you try it).

You get my gist – while food is fab, cooking cannot pass go, and it cannot collect $200.

That’s why, when I heard of a service that does all the boring chef-y stuff for me, I threw my entire body at the laptop screen and yelled “TAKE MY MONEY,” for approximately seven minutes straight.

When I found out they don’t charge for delivery AND the meals are fresh not frozen, I think I blacked out.

I’m not quite sure how to break it to my boyfriend Mitch that I’ll be leaving him for a healthy meal service… but I’m sure he’ll understand when he hears about the free delivery thing.

If you think I’m being slightly dramatic, let me show you how much I despise cooking. Because if there’s ever been time for a listicle, This. Is. It. People.

Here are all the things I’ll do instead of preparing these tasty Youfoodz meals myself:

1. Chargrilled Lemon Pepper Chicken = Dog Admiring.

Instead of spending valuable minutes differentiating the different types of black pepper, I’m going to play with my dog Peanut for half an hour.

If she’s not in the mood for playing (Peanut may or may not have behavioural issues), I will just lie on the floor and gaze into her big eyes while rubbing her tummy. Because DOGS, you guys. Dogs are the best.

Dog admiring is an important past time. Don't waste it. Images: @beigecardigan

2. Rustico Chicken Pizza = Fake tanning.

Not cooking this ~fancy~ yummy pizza will give me enough time to do the whole shebang, that means exfoliation, application and moisturising.

Whenever the option of looking like a bronzed goddess is up for grabs, SIGN ME UP.

By the time I sit down to inhale my pizza whole, my skin will be looking like Heaven-with-a-capital-H.

3. Peanut butter protein balls = Endlessly humble bragging on my favourite social media platform.

I can hardly wait to tell my distant acquaintances from high school and second cousin once removed about my enviously healthy, magazine-worthy protein ball life.

Nobody has time to make these things from scratch, right? Us women have got sh*t to do… like making our girlfriends feel crippling jealousy on Insta.

For good measure, I’ll chuck in the cursory hashtags #blessed #happy and #freetimeismetime on the 17 filtered images of them too. You know, to make myself look really #authentic.

#blessed. Image: Giphy.com

4. Pesto gnocchi = Watching Gilmore Girls.

Is there any better to way to spend my free time? I think not.

Fun fact: 98 per cent of foodies say pesto gnocchi is the dish they choose when watching Gilmore Girls.

Yep, that’s a legitimate statistic that I definitely did not just make up to validate my own opinion. I promise. Google it.

5. Choc protein mousse = Closely examining the pores on my nose.

Before you say anything, let’s just remember that this is a judgment free zone. (Or, as I like to call it, a JFZ, because acronyms are both A. fun and B. make things sound like international airports.)

Okay? We good? Here we go…

Examining your pores in the mirror is one of the most cathartic things to do in your spare time (JFZ!!!!!). Don’t ask me how or why - because I don’t make the rules, pal. That’s the way the Universe was made, okay? It must be science, or the alignment of the stars, or crystals, or energies… or something... I dunno.

Observing your skin’s texture is much like taking a nice relaxing bath, except for the fact that you’re not taking a bath - you’re examining your pores.

And what dessert is best paired with taking a bath examining your pores? Eating a fluffy, chocolatey mousse. Duh.

Cathartic. Image: Mean Girls.

6. Vietnamese bowl = Entering competitions.

If there’s anything I love more than food, it’s being rewarded for my mind-boggling resemblance to a sloth.

Enter: online competitions!

Now that I’m not slaving away over rice noodles or turkey mince, I have the time to enter Lazy Person Giveaways like this one from Youfoodz, which hands out $40k worth of prizes in the six weeks leading up to Christmas.

I know, I KNOW. I’m frothing at the mouth just writing about it.

Bless your spiffing cotton socks, Santa. (Oh, and you too, Youfoodz. Does extra flattery mean I might win? … Maybe? … Maaaaaaybe?)

What would you do with your free time?