"Are you sure you want to follow me into the toilet?" 15 questions I have for my toddler.

Toddlers. Am I right?

As a group, they are some of the most captivating, frustrating, entertaining, and charming little creatures on our planet. And as toddler parents, it’s our job to nurture their weird and wonderful imaginations, while somehow surviving their tyrannical meltdowns. 

It seems we spend half our time cleaning up after they cyclone through the house, and the other half wondering what on earth is going on in their sweet little heads.

Watch: Parents of toddlers, translated. Post continues below.

As the mum of a young toddler, I know the tantrums will only get more nuclear, but I also can’t wait for a time when my little one moves from stringing two words together, and pointing fervently at his object of desire, to forming full sentences and sharing everything that pops into his funny little brain.

So as a curious, and at times, exasperated toddler mum, here’s a definitive list of the questions I have for my toddler and yours:

1. Are you sure you want to follow me into the toilet every time? Does the smell not bother you?

2. I mean, it’s every time. Every. Single. Time. I can no longer relieve myself without a tiny observer and I’m not alone. According to John Hopkins, following you into the loo is a normal part of learning this new essential skill for themselves. The thing is, often my little one is not just there for observation. He also demands to sit on my lap with a book. That’s cool, I wasn’t that keen on my privacy or dignity, anyway.

3. How come the lasagne tasted like heaven yesterday, but is suddenly repulsive today?

4. How come you’re at least 75 per cent more adorable when you're in your PJs?

This is just a scientific fact. Seeing my little one toddle over, clean from their bath and ready for story time just melts me into a puddle.

5. What is it about garbage bins that is so damn cool?

"Bin! Bin! BIN!!!!" To my 18-month-old, there is nothing more impressive than a garbage bin. Why you ask? I look forward to finding out from him when he graduates to full sentences. 

6. Does every stranger need to know you just did a 'big fart'?

My niece has recently taken to publicly announcing her passing of wind. It is a daily highlight for my sister and I hope she never loses that kind of confidence. 

7. How did you manage to learn 10 new words in the last 24 hours?

Their little brains are moving at breakneck speed to take in everything they need to know about our fascinating world. 

8. Why has bedtime become World War three? Don’t you realise how good sleep is?

If only we could explain to them just how bloody good sleep is. I feel like it would clear up a lot of toddler/parental misunderstanding and make for a much smoother child-rearing experience. 

9. Is the bath water extra tasty?

Whether it's drinking from the tap or sucking the water out of a face washer, it seems bath water has that certain je ne sais quoi for toddlers. We may never know why, but at least they’re staying hydrated.

10. I’m impressed you can fit so many sultanas in one nostril but also, can you not?!

Need I say more?

Listen to This Glorious Mess. In this episode, Dr Justin Coulson shares why tantrums happen, what to say (and what not to say) to your toddler, and how to chat to them about their big feelings afterwards. Post continues below.

11. I love daddy too, but when will mummy be your favourite again?

Ah, the parental favouritism swing. Toddlers are pleasure seeking creatures and they’ll gravitate toward whoever is giving them the most fun, attention, and stimulation at any given moment. While it might hurt when they are showing a clear preference for another parent, remember it will swing back the other way in time, and take heart knowing that your toddler gets a mix of things from their relationships with each of you. 

12. Why is putting on clothes the worst thing I've ever done to you?

Since when did you turn into an uncooperative octopus with the kicking power of a big red roo? 

13. Do you realise that when you come up and kiss me on the lips, it’s basically the best thing that has ever happened to me?

Nothing in the entire world beats this feeling. Nothing. Not even the first sip of a double macchiato in the morning. 

14. So let me see if I’ve got this straight. You must push the pram, be held in prime pushing position, I’m not to touch the pram, but I somehow have to stop it from zigzagging everywhere? Okay, perfect.

Toddlers, what are ya gonna do?

15. Why is it that after you’ve pushed every single one of my buttons all day and I finally get you into bed, I just sit there scrolling through photos of you and consider waking you for one more cuddle?

Ah, the paradox of parenting. It’s the best of times, it’s the worst of times, and we wouldn’t change a thing.

Hannah Vanderheide is a writer, actor, and voice artist with a beautiful new baby boy. She's also a body-neutral trainer, eating disorder survivor, and wellness industry sceptic who loves to write about the sensible side of health.

Feature Image: Supplied